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What Seph Did Next
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
Loktar
Internet God
Yeah I have been gutted several times at the other boards me and Seph have in common. Just not so much here.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Seph walks into the factory. There is MAN with his back to Seph.)
Seph: Hey, you, do you fuckers produce Hasty Surprise here because I need to have some of that shit inside me soon or I'll start punching popes, you feel me?
(The man turns round. IT'S MENTALIST.)
Menty: Hello Seph, me old tin-plated badger with delusionals of hedhehoghood.
Seph: Menty, you purple paedo, what the fuck are you doing here? Am I already high? Was this visit to Scotland some real bad trip? If so you better get me some series brain destroyers to erase the memory.
Menty: I was in the neighbourhood so I thought I'd drop in, me old...kettle.
Seph: Wait a minute, Menty would never call me a kettle. Who are you really? Tell me or I'll dig up your gran and brush your teeth with her fanny bone.
(Menty smiles AND TURNS INTO GAGH.)
Gagh: It was me, Gagh! LENNY HENRY JUST PONDERED EVIL!?
Seph: Gagh you fucking cactus, why were you pretending to be Menty.
Gagh: So that you wouldn't EXPECT ME TO KILL YOU!
(He pulls out a SPACE SWORD and swings at Seph. Seph blocks with his lightsaber.)
Seph: I'm beginning to suspect you aren't Gagh either.
(Gagh turns into a GREEN ALIEN with NO NOSE.)
Alien: I will collect the bounty on your head!
Seph: You're a fucking alien!
Alien: Didn't you know? For your crime, the bounty is INTERGALACTIC. You are wanted everywhere in the universe for what you did!
Seph: Cool.
(Seph ROLLS under a strike from the alien's sword then SLASHES THE ALINE ALL UP ITS BACK.)
Alien: AAAH, MY BACK!
Seph: That's what you get.
Alien: I'll kill you!
Seph: Doubtful, you ming mong.
Alien: You don't know our POWER! My people were the FIRST intelligent life in all the universe! When we first lived, there was no gravity. WE HAD TO INVENT IT so that life could evolve! There would be no life in the universe if we hadn't given you the gift of gravity! THAT IS HOW POWEFUL WE ARE.
Seph: If you invented gravity, and gravity is needed for life, how the fuck did YOU fucks evolve WITHOUT gravity?
Alien: What!? ARE YOU QUESTIONING THE SACRED TESTS?
Seph: No, I'm kicking you into this machinery, you noseless waste.
(Seph kicks the alien into some MACHINERY.)
Alien: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Out of the other side of the machinery comes TINS OF CAT FOOD.)
Seph: Fuck, it's a cat food factory! Where am I going to get boohated now!?
TO BE SEPHTINUED
Seph: Hey, you, do you fuckers produce Hasty Surprise here because I need to have some of that shit inside me soon or I'll start punching popes, you feel me?
(The man turns round. IT'S MENTALIST.)
Menty: Hello Seph, me old tin-plated badger with delusionals of hedhehoghood.
Seph: Menty, you purple paedo, what the fuck are you doing here? Am I already high? Was this visit to Scotland some real bad trip? If so you better get me some series brain destroyers to erase the memory.
Menty: I was in the neighbourhood so I thought I'd drop in, me old...kettle.
Seph: Wait a minute, Menty would never call me a kettle. Who are you really? Tell me or I'll dig up your gran and brush your teeth with her fanny bone.
(Menty smiles AND TURNS INTO GAGH.)
Gagh: It was me, Gagh! LENNY HENRY JUST PONDERED EVIL!?
Seph: Gagh you fucking cactus, why were you pretending to be Menty.
Gagh: So that you wouldn't EXPECT ME TO KILL YOU!
(He pulls out a SPACE SWORD and swings at Seph. Seph blocks with his lightsaber.)
Seph: I'm beginning to suspect you aren't Gagh either.
(Gagh turns into a GREEN ALIEN with NO NOSE.)
Alien: I will collect the bounty on your head!
Seph: You're a fucking alien!
Alien: Didn't you know? For your crime, the bounty is INTERGALACTIC. You are wanted everywhere in the universe for what you did!
Seph: Cool.
(Seph ROLLS under a strike from the alien's sword then SLASHES THE ALINE ALL UP ITS BACK.)
Alien: AAAH, MY BACK!
Seph: That's what you get.
Alien: I'll kill you!
Seph: Doubtful, you ming mong.
Alien: You don't know our POWER! My people were the FIRST intelligent life in all the universe! When we first lived, there was no gravity. WE HAD TO INVENT IT so that life could evolve! There would be no life in the universe if we hadn't given you the gift of gravity! THAT IS HOW POWEFUL WE ARE.
Seph: If you invented gravity, and gravity is needed for life, how the fuck did YOU fucks evolve WITHOUT gravity?
Alien: What!? ARE YOU QUESTIONING THE SACRED TESTS?
Seph: No, I'm kicking you into this machinery, you noseless waste.
(Seph kicks the alien into some MACHINERY.)
Alien: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Out of the other side of the machinery comes TINS OF CAT FOOD.)
Seph: Fuck, it's a cat food factory! Where am I going to get boohated now!?
TO BE SEPHTINUED
curiousa2z
Be patient till the last.
SEPH IN THE HOUSE!
bumping so he doesnt miss this
bumping so he doesnt miss this
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Another episode coming tonight.[/dr dave]
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Seph is alone in the cat food factory.)
Seph: I suppose I could go and free Loktar from the living Hell he's in...hang on, what's this?
(There is an alien DEVICE in the room.)
Seph: That green noseless cunt portion must have left this here. Wonder what the fuck it is...
(Seph presses a button on the alien device and without warning he is TRANSPORTED! Seph finds himself on an ALIEN SPACESHIP.)
Seph: Fucking hell I wish I was high right now.
(Two ALIEN GUARDS run out.)
Alien Guard: HALT, who goes there?
Seph: I go everywhere.
(The ALIEN GUARDS fire ENERGY WEAPONS at Seph but he deflects their shots with his lightsaber then runs the bastards through.)
Alien Guard: I had...six hundred children...uuuuurgh...
Seph: I father six hundred children in a weekend, cunt.
(Seph walks into a room. There is someone with their BACK to him. Seph approaches the person with his lightsaber ready. SHE spins round. It's a BEAUTIFUL SCIENTIST WOMAN.)
Woman: Oh my!
Seph: Alright.
Woman: How did you get on our ship?
Seph: Killed a noseless green bastard and stole his transporter.
Woman: Oh, okay.
Seph: Wait, you're an alien too?
Woman: Yes.
Seph: But you look like a beautiful human scientist and you speak English.
Woman: My species JUST HAPPENED to evolve to look exactly the same as yours and speak the same language!
Seph: Ah, okay. Want to have sex?
Woman: I..I can't..I have lab work to do...
Seph: You need to chill out, take some monkey joy pills, you know?
Woman: Well...these chemicals I'm working with can be used as a narcotic...
(Seph grabs the nearest test tube and downs the suspicious green liquid within.)
Seph: FUCK YEAH. Reminds me of Bodger's Old Tonic, if you know what I don't mean.
Woman: Umm...sure...
(She drinks a small amount.)
Woman: Oh my...I feel...funny...
Seph: Only one cure for that...
(He KISSES HER.)
Woman: Is this what you humans call...love?
Seph: No.
TO BE SEPHTINUED
Seph: I suppose I could go and free Loktar from the living Hell he's in...hang on, what's this?
(There is an alien DEVICE in the room.)
Seph: That green noseless cunt portion must have left this here. Wonder what the fuck it is...
(Seph presses a button on the alien device and without warning he is TRANSPORTED! Seph finds himself on an ALIEN SPACESHIP.)
Seph: Fucking hell I wish I was high right now.
(Two ALIEN GUARDS run out.)
Alien Guard: HALT, who goes there?
Seph: I go everywhere.
(The ALIEN GUARDS fire ENERGY WEAPONS at Seph but he deflects their shots with his lightsaber then runs the bastards through.)
Alien Guard: I had...six hundred children...uuuuurgh...
Seph: I father six hundred children in a weekend, cunt.
(Seph walks into a room. There is someone with their BACK to him. Seph approaches the person with his lightsaber ready. SHE spins round. It's a BEAUTIFUL SCIENTIST WOMAN.)
Woman: Oh my!
Seph: Alright.
Woman: How did you get on our ship?
Seph: Killed a noseless green bastard and stole his transporter.
Woman: Oh, okay.
Seph: Wait, you're an alien too?
Woman: Yes.
Seph: But you look like a beautiful human scientist and you speak English.
Woman: My species JUST HAPPENED to evolve to look exactly the same as yours and speak the same language!
Seph: Ah, okay. Want to have sex?
Woman: I..I can't..I have lab work to do...
Seph: You need to chill out, take some monkey joy pills, you know?
Woman: Well...these chemicals I'm working with can be used as a narcotic...
(Seph grabs the nearest test tube and downs the suspicious green liquid within.)
Seph: FUCK YEAH. Reminds me of Bodger's Old Tonic, if you know what I don't mean.
Woman: Umm...sure...
(She drinks a small amount.)
Woman: Oh my...I feel...funny...
Seph: Only one cure for that...
(He KISSES HER.)
Woman: Is this what you humans call...love?
Seph: No.
TO BE SEPHTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Seph pulls his boots on. The scientist alien woman is lying in bed, looking SEXUALLY FULFILLED.)
Woman: That was...amazing!
Seph: It was better than punching a badger, I suppose.
Woman: I'm so glad you ended up on my ship!
Seph: Your ship?
Woman: Yes, I'm SCIENCE CAPTAIN of this SCIENCE vessel.
Seph: So why were those guards trying to fucking shoot me in the balls?
Woman: Oh, they were just trying to stun you.
Seph: Oh. I fucking killed them. Maybe I should have just chopped their arms off.
Woman: Nah, they weren't the same species as me. They were a slave race we conquered years ago. Thier lives mean nothing!
(She spits on the floor.)
Seph: Wait, you're a space racist?
Woman: Everyone is my species is.
(She spits on the floor again.)
Seph: Stop spitting on the floor!
Woman: Sorry. So, I hear you killed a green-skinned noseless bastardfuck? GOOD FOR YOU!
Seph: Well he said there was a bounty on my head or some shit. I didn't kill him because he was green. I hate all races equally.
Woman: A wanted man, eh? HOW SEXY!
Seph: Your personality seems to have changed overnight.
Woman: You did that to me! With your FUCKING SKILLS!
Seph: Well it's happened before.
Woman: What are you wanted for anyway? Torching some children?
Seph: Don't know, don't care, fuck anyone who comes for me, I'll slice them up.
Woman: I'll check the database...OH MY GOD...
Seph: Yes, I suppose I am.
Woman: No! You're...you're him! HIM! MY WHOLE MISSION IS TO FIND YOU. AND STOP YOU!
Seph: What?
Woman: You fucked a hole in the very fabric of space!
Seph: Sounds like something I'd do. So that's why I'm wanted? Funny, I don't remember fucking any fabric lately...
Woman: It's more complicated than that, YOU PRIMATIVE HUMAN. I, being a SCIENTIST ALIEN, have determined that you actually fuck the hole in the fabrice of spacetime IN THE FUTURE! Then the damage TRAVELS BACK IN TIME to destroy the universe! I have to STOP YOU from fucking this whole so that the anomoly will cease to exist!
Seph: Oh.
(She pulls out a gun.)
Woman: Oooh, I'm so conflicted! You fucked new life into me, and yet the next time you fuck something it could destroy the universe...I must kill you! BUT THE CONFLICT!
(Seph stabs her through the heart with his lightsaber.)
Seph: There, conflict over. Space Nazi bitch. Fair lay though.
(He notes down her details in his LAY LOG.)
Seph: Guess I have a spaceship now.
TO BE SEPHTINUED
Woman: That was...amazing!
Seph: It was better than punching a badger, I suppose.
Woman: I'm so glad you ended up on my ship!
Seph: Your ship?
Woman: Yes, I'm SCIENCE CAPTAIN of this SCIENCE vessel.
Seph: So why were those guards trying to fucking shoot me in the balls?
Woman: Oh, they were just trying to stun you.
Seph: Oh. I fucking killed them. Maybe I should have just chopped their arms off.
Woman: Nah, they weren't the same species as me. They were a slave race we conquered years ago. Thier lives mean nothing!
(She spits on the floor.)
Seph: Wait, you're a space racist?
Woman: Everyone is my species is.
(She spits on the floor again.)
Seph: Stop spitting on the floor!
Woman: Sorry. So, I hear you killed a green-skinned noseless bastardfuck? GOOD FOR YOU!
Seph: Well he said there was a bounty on my head or some shit. I didn't kill him because he was green. I hate all races equally.
Woman: A wanted man, eh? HOW SEXY!
Seph: Your personality seems to have changed overnight.
Woman: You did that to me! With your FUCKING SKILLS!
Seph: Well it's happened before.
Woman: What are you wanted for anyway? Torching some children?
Seph: Don't know, don't care, fuck anyone who comes for me, I'll slice them up.
Woman: I'll check the database...OH MY GOD...
Seph: Yes, I suppose I am.
Woman: No! You're...you're him! HIM! MY WHOLE MISSION IS TO FIND YOU. AND STOP YOU!
Seph: What?
Woman: You fucked a hole in the very fabric of space!
Seph: Sounds like something I'd do. So that's why I'm wanted? Funny, I don't remember fucking any fabric lately...
Woman: It's more complicated than that, YOU PRIMATIVE HUMAN. I, being a SCIENTIST ALIEN, have determined that you actually fuck the hole in the fabrice of spacetime IN THE FUTURE! Then the damage TRAVELS BACK IN TIME to destroy the universe! I have to STOP YOU from fucking this whole so that the anomoly will cease to exist!
Seph: Oh.
(She pulls out a gun.)
Woman: Oooh, I'm so conflicted! You fucked new life into me, and yet the next time you fuck something it could destroy the universe...I must kill you! BUT THE CONFLICT!
(Seph stabs her through the heart with his lightsaber.)
Seph: There, conflict over. Space Nazi bitch. Fair lay though.
(He notes down her details in his LAY LOG.)
Seph: Guess I have a spaceship now.
TO BE SEPHTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Seph is speaking to the crew of the spaceship. Most of them are slaves from various different races.)
Seph: So I guess I'm your fucking captain now. Any of you got a problem with that?
Aliens: No!
Seph: But I brutally murdered your scientist captain...
PINK ALIEN: She was a bitch anyway! We were all slaves before you freed us!
Seph: Right. But you kind of still are slaves, because if you step out of line I'll cut you up with my lightsaber.
Pink Alien: That's still better than what she used to do to us!
Seph: What did she do?
BLUE ALIEN: Things with FORKS.
Seph: Sounds perverted. I'm starting to like her again...
Alien With No Head: Too late, you killed her!
Seph: Hmm, good point. But there must be a lot of space pussy out there, right?
Alien With Ten Hands: Sure!
Seph: THEN TAKE US TO THE SPACE PUSSY!
Alien Made Out Of Wood: Aye aye! Setting course for FUN LAND! We shall arrive in 17 hours.
Seph: What the fuck am I going to do for 17 hours?
(A SNAKE ALIEN slithers over to Seph.)
Snake Alien: Ssssseph, I am Trooser, the ship's second in command. I have some Black Hole Boochess pills in my quarters.
Seph: What are we waiting for, let's stuff those things in our ears or whatever you aliens do with them.
Trooser: There is one thing. I know everything of our captain's work. I know that one day you will destroy the universe.
Seph: Everyone destroys the thing they love.
Trooser: Quite! Don't worry, I shall keep your sssssssecret! You and shall be great friends...
Seph: Whatever, maybe I'll end up deep frying you and serving you to scottish people, just take me to the drugs...
Trooser: Yes, captain...
(Trooser SMILES EVILY while Seph isn't looking!)
TO BE SEPHTINUED
Seph: So I guess I'm your fucking captain now. Any of you got a problem with that?
Aliens: No!
Seph: But I brutally murdered your scientist captain...
PINK ALIEN: She was a bitch anyway! We were all slaves before you freed us!
Seph: Right. But you kind of still are slaves, because if you step out of line I'll cut you up with my lightsaber.
Pink Alien: That's still better than what she used to do to us!
Seph: What did she do?
BLUE ALIEN: Things with FORKS.
Seph: Sounds perverted. I'm starting to like her again...
Alien With No Head: Too late, you killed her!
Seph: Hmm, good point. But there must be a lot of space pussy out there, right?
Alien With Ten Hands: Sure!
Seph: THEN TAKE US TO THE SPACE PUSSY!
Alien Made Out Of Wood: Aye aye! Setting course for FUN LAND! We shall arrive in 17 hours.
Seph: What the fuck am I going to do for 17 hours?
(A SNAKE ALIEN slithers over to Seph.)
Snake Alien: Ssssseph, I am Trooser, the ship's second in command. I have some Black Hole Boochess pills in my quarters.
Seph: What are we waiting for, let's stuff those things in our ears or whatever you aliens do with them.
Trooser: There is one thing. I know everything of our captain's work. I know that one day you will destroy the universe.
Seph: Everyone destroys the thing they love.
Trooser: Quite! Don't worry, I shall keep your sssssssecret! You and shall be great friends...
Seph: Whatever, maybe I'll end up deep frying you and serving you to scottish people, just take me to the drugs...
Trooser: Yes, captain...
(Trooser SMILES EVILY while Seph isn't looking!)
TO BE SEPHTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Seph and Trooser arrive at his quarters.)
Seph: Where are the fucking pills.
Trooser: In my bed...under the sheetssssssss!
Seph: Right, I've just figured out that you want to have sex with me, which is understandable, but you're a fucking snake and I'll poke your eyes out with my lightsaber if you come near me.
Trooser: No, they really are under the sheets.
(Trooser pulls the sheets back revealing DRUG PILLS.)
Seph: Nice.
(Seph dives on the bed and fifteen second later there's no pills left.)
Trooser: What about me? I want a mind-altering experience too!
(Seph kicks Trooser in the side of the head, knocking him unconcious.)
Seph: How's that?
(Seph suddenly goes into a TRANCE.)
Seph: What's going on...
(The room melts away around Seph. Suddenly he is in bed with a MYSTERIOUS PALE WOMAN.)
Seph: Your breasts are so pale.
Woman: I know, I know. I'm so happy we can be together.
Seph: Fuck, your thighs are pale too.
Woman: Oh Seph, you say the sweetest things! Kiss me!
Seph: I'll shag you.
Woman: Oh Seph!
Seph: Oh Woman.
(He starts kissing her and everything starts shaking.)
Woman: Don't stop!
Seph: Hmm, seems like I might be about to fuck a hole in the very fabric of reality just like that alien scientist I brutally murdered told me I would. Maybe I should stop...
Woman: But then we won't be having sex anymore!
Seph: Good point, well made.
(SUDDENLY Seph is BACK in Trooser's quarters. Trooser is waking up.)
Trooser: Oww, my head...
Seph: Yeah, umm, you took way too many pills, mate.
Trooser: Strange, there seems to be a boot-shaped print on the side of my face...
Seph: Weird. Anyway, I just had a vision of the future.
Trooser: Really! What did you sssssssee?
Seph: I think I was fucking a hole in the very fabric of reality or some shit.
Trooser: How...interesting...
(Trooser gives an EVIL LOOK to camera.)
Seph: You constipated or something?
TO BE SEPHTINUED
Seph: Where are the fucking pills.
Trooser: In my bed...under the sheetssssssss!
Seph: Right, I've just figured out that you want to have sex with me, which is understandable, but you're a fucking snake and I'll poke your eyes out with my lightsaber if you come near me.
Trooser: No, they really are under the sheets.
(Trooser pulls the sheets back revealing DRUG PILLS.)
Seph: Nice.
(Seph dives on the bed and fifteen second later there's no pills left.)
Trooser: What about me? I want a mind-altering experience too!
(Seph kicks Trooser in the side of the head, knocking him unconcious.)
Seph: How's that?
(Seph suddenly goes into a TRANCE.)
Seph: What's going on...
(The room melts away around Seph. Suddenly he is in bed with a MYSTERIOUS PALE WOMAN.)
Seph: Your breasts are so pale.
Woman: I know, I know. I'm so happy we can be together.
Seph: Fuck, your thighs are pale too.
Woman: Oh Seph, you say the sweetest things! Kiss me!
Seph: I'll shag you.
Woman: Oh Seph!
Seph: Oh Woman.
(He starts kissing her and everything starts shaking.)
Woman: Don't stop!
Seph: Hmm, seems like I might be about to fuck a hole in the very fabric of reality just like that alien scientist I brutally murdered told me I would. Maybe I should stop...
Woman: But then we won't be having sex anymore!
Seph: Good point, well made.
(SUDDENLY Seph is BACK in Trooser's quarters. Trooser is waking up.)
Trooser: Oww, my head...
Seph: Yeah, umm, you took way too many pills, mate.
Trooser: Strange, there seems to be a boot-shaped print on the side of my face...
Seph: Weird. Anyway, I just had a vision of the future.
Trooser: Really! What did you sssssssee?
Seph: I think I was fucking a hole in the very fabric of reality or some shit.
Trooser: How...interesting...
(Trooser gives an EVIL LOOK to camera.)
Seph: You constipated or something?
TO BE SEPHTINUED
curiousa2z
Be patient till the last.
!
curiousa2z
Be patient till the last.
damn.