NeonMercuryASH
beer, I want beer
And you call yourself " Cock". Yes. I can see how that would be more sophistocated than, say, Coq au vin.
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What Seph Did Next
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
And you call yourself " Cock". Yes. I can see how that would be more sophistocated than, say, Coq au vin.
NeonMercuryASH
beer, I want beer
All because it has a hole in it!
NeonMercuryASH
beer, I want beer
Can Sock talk?
NeonMercuryASH
beer, I want beer
Ribbed?
NeonMercuryASH
beer, I want beer
The bed post's?
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Seph is back on the Bridge kicking the shit out of his captain's chair.)
Seph: Fucking chair.
Alien Made Out Of Wood: Captain, we have arrived at FUN LAND planet!
Seph: About fucking time, I was about ready to set you on fire.
Alien Made Out Of Wood: Please do! I derive sexual pleasure from behing burned!
Seph: Sick fuck, I'll freeze you in ice.
Alien Made Out Of Wood: NOOOOOOOO!
Trooser: Shall we dissssssssembark?
Seph: Fuck you.
(Seph and Trooser and some alien crewmembers beam down to the planet. It is a place of complete pure hedonism. All around are various aliens pleasuring themselves and each other in a variety of ways. The very air of the planet tastes like gaseous orgasm.)
Seph: Meh, I've had better.
Trooser: Thissssss is just the reception area, the real fun stuff in inssssside.
Seph: Yeah, fine, HANG ON, is that THE ROCK?
(Formre professional wrestler and alleged actor The Rock is fucking a robot in the corner. He spots Seph and grins.)
Rock: Seph, you old toast cat!
(The Rock gives the robot a Rock Bottom and walks over to Seph.)
Seph: Hi Dwayne you old fossilised easter egg.
Rock: Seph, I haven't seen you since the Colombian job.
Seph: Haha, we fucked them to pieces then fucked the pieces. I'll never forget when you put that grenade on Colombian Steve's chest and then dropped the people's elbow, blowing you both to fucking Hell.
Rock: How we had to know that I'm an immortal, indestructible alien!
Seph: Was a surprise to all the gang. It was a shock when you came back.
Rock: It was a shock to find you fucking my wife in our marital bed!
Seph: We thought you were gone, dog. Life's for the living. Fucking's for the fuckers.
Rock: I was only gone for eight minutes!
Seph: Exactly!
Rock: Haha, I didn't blame you. I blamed HER.
Seph: Yeah, what happened to her anyway? I said I'd give her a call but it was a total lie.
Rock: Look at my belt buckle!
Seph: Is that...your wife's agonised face?
Rock: I shrunk her down to microscopic size using my alien powers and keep her close to me forever in enternal torment! Don't try to save her or I'll have to kill you.
Seph: You fucking sicken me Rock, you sick fuck, treating a woman like that...but fuck it, it's your marriage, who am I to interfere! Apart from when I'm fucking your wife while your kids cry unattended, of course.
Rock: Of course, manbrah!
(They high five but Seph WINKS to Trooser.)
Trooser: He plansssss a doublecross, how interesting!
(Alien Made Out Of Wood is on fire now.)
Alien Made Out Of Wood: CAN'T HEAR YOU, HAVING AN ORGASM.
Rock: So I see you finally got off world.
Seph: I'm wanted by the cops for ending all of reality.
Rock: Haha, yeah, cool. You know this planet used to be a spacestation? A powerful engine of war? All the SUPERLASER are still operating and everything! You could control the universe with this DEATH STAR! Horrible thought, isn't it? Luckily the PLEASURE PEOPLE took over and turned it into paradise!
Seph: So they just sit around fucking each other and taking drugs when they could be conquering the universe?
Rock: Great, isn't it!
(Seph chibs The Rock in the eye.)
Rock: Oww, damn!
Seph: Trooser, tell the crew we're taking over the galaxy.
Trooser: Aye aye!
TO BE SEPHTINUED
Seph: Fucking chair.
Alien Made Out Of Wood: Captain, we have arrived at FUN LAND planet!
Seph: About fucking time, I was about ready to set you on fire.
Alien Made Out Of Wood: Please do! I derive sexual pleasure from behing burned!
Seph: Sick fuck, I'll freeze you in ice.
Alien Made Out Of Wood: NOOOOOOOO!
Trooser: Shall we dissssssssembark?
Seph: Fuck you.
(Seph and Trooser and some alien crewmembers beam down to the planet. It is a place of complete pure hedonism. All around are various aliens pleasuring themselves and each other in a variety of ways. The very air of the planet tastes like gaseous orgasm.)
Seph: Meh, I've had better.
Trooser: Thissssss is just the reception area, the real fun stuff in inssssside.
Seph: Yeah, fine, HANG ON, is that THE ROCK?
(Formre professional wrestler and alleged actor The Rock is fucking a robot in the corner. He spots Seph and grins.)
Rock: Seph, you old toast cat!
(The Rock gives the robot a Rock Bottom and walks over to Seph.)
Seph: Hi Dwayne you old fossilised easter egg.
Rock: Seph, I haven't seen you since the Colombian job.
Seph: Haha, we fucked them to pieces then fucked the pieces. I'll never forget when you put that grenade on Colombian Steve's chest and then dropped the people's elbow, blowing you both to fucking Hell.
Rock: How we had to know that I'm an immortal, indestructible alien!
Seph: Was a surprise to all the gang. It was a shock when you came back.
Rock: It was a shock to find you fucking my wife in our marital bed!
Seph: We thought you were gone, dog. Life's for the living. Fucking's for the fuckers.
Rock: I was only gone for eight minutes!
Seph: Exactly!
Rock: Haha, I didn't blame you. I blamed HER.
Seph: Yeah, what happened to her anyway? I said I'd give her a call but it was a total lie.
Rock: Look at my belt buckle!
Seph: Is that...your wife's agonised face?
Rock: I shrunk her down to microscopic size using my alien powers and keep her close to me forever in enternal torment! Don't try to save her or I'll have to kill you.
Seph: You fucking sicken me Rock, you sick fuck, treating a woman like that...but fuck it, it's your marriage, who am I to interfere! Apart from when I'm fucking your wife while your kids cry unattended, of course.
Rock: Of course, manbrah!
(They high five but Seph WINKS to Trooser.)
Trooser: He plansssss a doublecross, how interesting!
(Alien Made Out Of Wood is on fire now.)
Alien Made Out Of Wood: CAN'T HEAR YOU, HAVING AN ORGASM.
Rock: So I see you finally got off world.
Seph: I'm wanted by the cops for ending all of reality.
Rock: Haha, yeah, cool. You know this planet used to be a spacestation? A powerful engine of war? All the SUPERLASER are still operating and everything! You could control the universe with this DEATH STAR! Horrible thought, isn't it? Luckily the PLEASURE PEOPLE took over and turned it into paradise!
Seph: So they just sit around fucking each other and taking drugs when they could be conquering the universe?
Rock: Great, isn't it!
(Seph chibs The Rock in the eye.)
Rock: Oww, damn!
Seph: Trooser, tell the crew we're taking over the galaxy.
Trooser: Aye aye!
TO BE SEPHTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Seph and Trooser are overseeing the transformation of FUN LAND into the most deadly battle station the universe has ever seen.)
Seph: WORK FASTER.
(Everyone starts working faster.)
Seph: GOOD.
Trooser: Sssssir, I am sssssomewhat confused, I thought you came to this planet to have sex and take drugsssss?
Seph: For a while, yes. Not going to have sex and take drugs all the time, am I? I have fucking ambition. And I don't mean an ambition to fuck. Taking over the galaxy? Why the fuck not?
Trooser: Yesss...but what about fucking that hole in the fabric of reality.
Seph: Fuck that. I'm going to find Alderaan and shoot my load into it. That'll be enough destruction for me, aight.
Trooser: Yes..."aight"...
(Trooser steps away for a second but returns with a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.)
Woman: Hi, Seph!
Seph: Oh, it's you, The Rock's wife. Long time no fuck.
Woman: Thanks for chibbing The Rock to near death and burying him alive before he could regenerate!
Seph: That cunt.
Woman: Now that I'm free from his belt buckle, we could fuck!
Trooser: YESSSSS! Much like in your vision of the future...
Seph: Nah, I wasn't fucking her in my vision. I remember every fuck and this fuck was not fuck I've fucked before. Fuck off.
Woman: Okay!
Seph: And get working on those planet destroying guns.
Woman: Sure!
(She walks off.)
Trooser: So I guess you'll be looking for the real girl from your vision to fuck soon...
Seph: Shut the fuck up about her! If you love her so much, fuck her with your snake dick! I'm going to my Ready Room. I want this battle station ARMED AND FULLY OPERATIONAL in ten minutes!
Trooser: That's literally impossible!
Seph: SEE TO IT.
(Seph storms off. He passes a FEMALE SCIENCE OFFICER in the corddor. Her hair is UP and she is wearing GLASSES.)
Science Girl: C...c...captain.
Seph: C...c...CUNT OFF.
(She runs away in fear as Seph walks into his Ready Room. But there is a MAN in there wearing a HELMET covering his FACE! And he has a RED LIGHTSABER.)
Man: I've come to stop you from this path of madness!
(Seph ignites HIS lightsaber.)
Seph: I'd rather be mad than a cunt in a helmet.
(They start DUELING.)
Man: You're going to destroy the whole universe you crazed cunt!
Seph: Just bits of it.
(Seph stabs the helmet guy through the heart with his lightsaber.)
Seph: That was easy.
(Someone knocks on the door. Seph INSTINCTIVELY shoves the dead body in his closet.)
Seph: Better not be the fucking cops...
TO BE SEPHTINUED
Seph: WORK FASTER.
(Everyone starts working faster.)
Seph: GOOD.
Trooser: Sssssir, I am sssssomewhat confused, I thought you came to this planet to have sex and take drugsssss?
Seph: For a while, yes. Not going to have sex and take drugs all the time, am I? I have fucking ambition. And I don't mean an ambition to fuck. Taking over the galaxy? Why the fuck not?
Trooser: Yesss...but what about fucking that hole in the fabric of reality.
Seph: Fuck that. I'm going to find Alderaan and shoot my load into it. That'll be enough destruction for me, aight.
Trooser: Yes..."aight"...
(Trooser steps away for a second but returns with a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.)
Woman: Hi, Seph!
Seph: Oh, it's you, The Rock's wife. Long time no fuck.
Woman: Thanks for chibbing The Rock to near death and burying him alive before he could regenerate!
Seph: That cunt.
Woman: Now that I'm free from his belt buckle, we could fuck!
Trooser: YESSSSS! Much like in your vision of the future...
Seph: Nah, I wasn't fucking her in my vision. I remember every fuck and this fuck was not fuck I've fucked before. Fuck off.
Woman: Okay!
Seph: And get working on those planet destroying guns.
Woman: Sure!
(She walks off.)
Trooser: So I guess you'll be looking for the real girl from your vision to fuck soon...
Seph: Shut the fuck up about her! If you love her so much, fuck her with your snake dick! I'm going to my Ready Room. I want this battle station ARMED AND FULLY OPERATIONAL in ten minutes!
Trooser: That's literally impossible!
Seph: SEE TO IT.
(Seph storms off. He passes a FEMALE SCIENCE OFFICER in the corddor. Her hair is UP and she is wearing GLASSES.)
Science Girl: C...c...captain.
Seph: C...c...CUNT OFF.
(She runs away in fear as Seph walks into his Ready Room. But there is a MAN in there wearing a HELMET covering his FACE! And he has a RED LIGHTSABER.)
Man: I've come to stop you from this path of madness!
(Seph ignites HIS lightsaber.)
Seph: I'd rather be mad than a cunt in a helmet.
(They start DUELING.)
Man: You're going to destroy the whole universe you crazed cunt!
Seph: Just bits of it.
(Seph stabs the helmet guy through the heart with his lightsaber.)
Seph: That was easy.
(Someone knocks on the door. Seph INSTINCTIVELY shoves the dead body in his closet.)
Seph: Better not be the fucking cops...
TO BE SEPHTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(The Science Girl is at the door.)
Science Girl: Sexy captain...I mean, captain.
Seph: No, you were right the first time.
Science Girl: I have two things to report. First, work on converting this planet into a battle station is complete!
Seph: That didn't even take ten minutes, how come it was so quick?
SG: We found a button that, when pressed, transformed the planet into a battle station.
Seph: Ah, good shit. I'm going to the bridge to blow shit up.
SG: There's other news! History itself is being ereased by the hole in the very fabrice of spacetime!
Seph: What.
SG: Well, you know how the anomoly is travelling backwards in time?
Seph: Sounds familiar, but I might just be thinking of All Good Things...
SG: Well, that means it's bigger in the past! It's starting to wipe out history! The Australian soap Neighbours? There's now no record of it every existing! Pickled onions? Gone! And all of China and the billion Chinamen who live there? Never born!
Seph: Shit. I liked pickled onions. Wait a minute you lying slut, how come you and I can remember these things if they're been ereased from history?
SG: We must have been caught in the temporal wake!
Seph: Oh. Well, I'm not going to fuck a hole in the fabric or reality anymore, so there' sno need to worry.
SG: But my SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH says otherwise!
Seph: You know the last science girl on this ship was the captain. I shagged her then killed her. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? STOP GETTING IN THE WAY OF MY UNIVERSAL RULE.
SG: I'm going to tell the rest of the crew!
Seph: Not if I lock you in my room you're not!
(He shoves Science Girl into his room and locks the door.)
Seph: If you get hungry there's a dead body in the closet.
(Seph marches to the bridge.)
Trooser: The weapons, they are ready! You can control the battle station remotely from the bridge of our ship.
Seph: Thanks for explaining that, I was getting confused about where this story was actually taking place for a second there. Alien Made Out Of Wood, set a course. It is time to conquer our first planet.
Alien Made Out Of Wood: Which planet are we setting a course for?
Seph: Isn't it obvious? EARTH.
TO BE SEPHTINUED
Science Girl: Sexy captain...I mean, captain.
Seph: No, you were right the first time.
Science Girl: I have two things to report. First, work on converting this planet into a battle station is complete!
Seph: That didn't even take ten minutes, how come it was so quick?
SG: We found a button that, when pressed, transformed the planet into a battle station.
Seph: Ah, good shit. I'm going to the bridge to blow shit up.
SG: There's other news! History itself is being ereased by the hole in the very fabrice of spacetime!
Seph: What.
SG: Well, you know how the anomoly is travelling backwards in time?
Seph: Sounds familiar, but I might just be thinking of All Good Things...
SG: Well, that means it's bigger in the past! It's starting to wipe out history! The Australian soap Neighbours? There's now no record of it every existing! Pickled onions? Gone! And all of China and the billion Chinamen who live there? Never born!
Seph: Shit. I liked pickled onions. Wait a minute you lying slut, how come you and I can remember these things if they're been ereased from history?
SG: We must have been caught in the temporal wake!
Seph: Oh. Well, I'm not going to fuck a hole in the fabric or reality anymore, so there' sno need to worry.
SG: But my SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH says otherwise!
Seph: You know the last science girl on this ship was the captain. I shagged her then killed her. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? STOP GETTING IN THE WAY OF MY UNIVERSAL RULE.
SG: I'm going to tell the rest of the crew!
Seph: Not if I lock you in my room you're not!
(He shoves Science Girl into his room and locks the door.)
Seph: If you get hungry there's a dead body in the closet.
(Seph marches to the bridge.)
Trooser: The weapons, they are ready! You can control the battle station remotely from the bridge of our ship.
Seph: Thanks for explaining that, I was getting confused about where this story was actually taking place for a second there. Alien Made Out Of Wood, set a course. It is time to conquer our first planet.
Alien Made Out Of Wood: Which planet are we setting a course for?
Seph: Isn't it obvious? EARTH.
TO BE SEPHTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Alien Made Out Of Wood: We have arrived at Earth.
Seph: BLOW UP THE MOON.
Trooser: But sir, the Moonmen!
Seph: Fuck them. Time to show Earth what we can do. WE HAVE WAITED LONG ENOUGH!
Green Alien: It's only been seventeen seconds!
Seph: SHUT UP, YOU. FIRE EVERYTHING!
(The battle station fires everything at the moon, blowing it fucking up.)
Seph: Good. Gooood.
Alien With A Telephone For A Head: We are being hailed by the secret leaders of Earth!
Seph: ON SCREEN BEFORE I SLAP YOU.
Alien Made Out Of Wood(whispering): Have you noticed that Seph has suddenly get a whole lot more evil?
Owl Alien: Maybe it's a plot point we should be paying attention to. HOOT HOOT!
(President Obama appears on screen.)
Seph: Ah, of course. You're part of a secret BLOOD CULT, aren't you? You fucking teapot.
Obama: No! I'm actually a lizard alien!
(Obama shapeshifts into a lizard alien.)
Seph: That was my second guess.
Obama: All the most powerful people on Earth are lizard aliens! Like Queen Elizabeth The Second...
Queen: Tally ho!
Obama: Sean Connery...
Sean Connery: I'm a lizard, Moneypenny!
Obama: Uri Gellar...
Uri Gellar: See, I had powers all along!
Obama: He didn't, he was lying about that whole fork thing. And of course there's MissManners.
MissManners: Cookie?
Seph: I DON'T CARE. I AM THE RULER OF EARTH NOW. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME OR I'LL CHIB YOUR LIZARD TAILS.
Obama: Well since you have the power to blow up the moon and slaughter the nine billion moonmen living there, I guess we have no choice!
(They all bow down before Seph, the new ruler of Earth.)
Seph: AT LAST. POWER.
(Seph randomly punches Green Alien in the ear.)
Seph: POWER!
(Seph starts kicking people.)
Seph: UNLIMITED POWER!
Trooser: You are a great captain! Maybe you should have sex with someone to celebrate. Say, a girl...
Seph: I haven't had sex for almost a day, good point. Come on, we'll find a girl.
Trooser: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Alien Made Out Of Wood: I think Seph's odd behaviour is part of some plot by Trooser!
Owl Alien: Hoot!
TO BE SEPHTINUED
Seph: BLOW UP THE MOON.
Trooser: But sir, the Moonmen!
Seph: Fuck them. Time to show Earth what we can do. WE HAVE WAITED LONG ENOUGH!
Green Alien: It's only been seventeen seconds!
Seph: SHUT UP, YOU. FIRE EVERYTHING!
(The battle station fires everything at the moon, blowing it fucking up.)
Seph: Good. Gooood.
Alien With A Telephone For A Head: We are being hailed by the secret leaders of Earth!
Seph: ON SCREEN BEFORE I SLAP YOU.
Alien Made Out Of Wood(whispering): Have you noticed that Seph has suddenly get a whole lot more evil?
Owl Alien: Maybe it's a plot point we should be paying attention to. HOOT HOOT!
(President Obama appears on screen.)
Seph: Ah, of course. You're part of a secret BLOOD CULT, aren't you? You fucking teapot.
Obama: No! I'm actually a lizard alien!
(Obama shapeshifts into a lizard alien.)
Seph: That was my second guess.
Obama: All the most powerful people on Earth are lizard aliens! Like Queen Elizabeth The Second...
Queen: Tally ho!
Obama: Sean Connery...
Sean Connery: I'm a lizard, Moneypenny!
Obama: Uri Gellar...
Uri Gellar: See, I had powers all along!
Obama: He didn't, he was lying about that whole fork thing. And of course there's MissManners.
MissManners: Cookie?
Seph: I DON'T CARE. I AM THE RULER OF EARTH NOW. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME OR I'LL CHIB YOUR LIZARD TAILS.
Obama: Well since you have the power to blow up the moon and slaughter the nine billion moonmen living there, I guess we have no choice!
(They all bow down before Seph, the new ruler of Earth.)
Seph: AT LAST. POWER.
(Seph randomly punches Green Alien in the ear.)
Seph: POWER!
(Seph starts kicking people.)
Seph: UNLIMITED POWER!
Trooser: You are a great captain! Maybe you should have sex with someone to celebrate. Say, a girl...
Seph: I haven't had sex for almost a day, good point. Come on, we'll find a girl.
Trooser: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Alien Made Out Of Wood: I think Seph's odd behaviour is part of some plot by Trooser!
Owl Alien: Hoot!
TO BE SEPHTINUED
