A new Doctor Dave story

[CaptainWacky]

Doctor Dave is sitting at the bar. A blond girl with long legs sits down next to him and crosses her legs.

"Good evening," she says.

"Huh," says Dave, barely nodding.

"Come here often?" she asks.

"Yes," he says.

"Me too," she says. "Haven't seen you before."

"I don't like to be seen."

"Hmm, strange."

"Yeah."

"You don't say much."

"I don't like to say much."

"Not even to beautiful women? I can think of a few things you could say to a..."

"Yawn."

"Why come to a bar if you don't like being seen and you don't want to speak to beautiful women?"

"When a beautiful woman shows up, I might speak to her."

"Hey!"

"Jog on, toots."

"Well I never!"

She gets up and leaves the bar. Dave doesn't even watch her go. He takes out his phone and dials a number.

"Yeah, this is Detective Dave. Your wife just tried to come on to me. Ineptly, yes, but I could see it in her eyes. She wanted my body. Mad with the horn. Yeah, that's right, she's a slut. Sorry. Mail me the cheque."

Dave puts his phone away and looks up at the barman.

"Get me another fucking drink."

 

[Cassie]

lol.. Dr Dave should make Jog on toots his new message thingy under his name.

 

[CaptainWacky]

it's a continuing story

 

[Dr Dave]

That was good stuff Wacky!

lol.. Dr Dave should make Jog on toots his new message thingy under his name.

Perhaps!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Detective Dave is sitting behind his desk in his office, sharpening his knife. A man walks in.

"What the hell do you want? You can't just walk right in here!" says Dave, brandishing the knife.

"The door was opened," says the man.

"Yeah...I'm fucking drunk," says Dave, truthfully.

"You're a detective, right?" asks the man.

"Thassss riiiight."

"Well I need some help finding a cat."

"What the fuck? You want help finding a fucking cat?"

"Yeah. I'll pay you a lot of money and shit."

"I don't want paid in shit, just money will do."

"Well, will you help me find my cat?"

"Fuck yeah, if there's money in it for me. What kind of cat? Fucking persian?"

"A magic cat from beyond the moon."

"So you're a fucking nutter then."

"Never used to be. Then I saw a doctor. A doctor who diagnosed me with AIDS. YOU."

"Yeah, I used to be a doctor and I used to diagnose bastards with AIDS. Not my fucking fault your life is ruined. I suppose you want to kill me now?"

"No, I want you to find my magic cat from beyond the moon."

"I'll get my coat."

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Cassie]

CLIFFHANGER

 

[Dr Dave]

"You have AIDS, have some pillzLOL"

 

[CaptainWacky]

"So where the fuck did you lose your cat?" asked Dave, as they hit the streets.

"Never lost it," said the man.

"What?"

"Never lost it."

"So why are we looking for it?"

"Because I want it."

"A magic cat from beyond the moon?"

"Yes."

"Let me guess...you've never actually had a magic cat from beyond the moon?"

"I never said I have."

"You just want me to find you one?"

"You're a detective. Detect me one!"

"Fuck this. I could be sleeping with slutty wives right now."

"I've got a slutty wife."

"Really?"

"She's the one who gave me AIDS!"

"Christ."

 

[starbys]

There's a lot of rotten pussy in that story.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Dave looks in a bin.

"No cat in the bin."

"Keep looking!"

"This is hopeless."

"So are my chances of recovering from AIDS without a magic cat from beyond the moon!"

 

[Cassie]

LOOK IN THE OLD RUSTY FRIDGE DR DAVE!!

 

[Dr Dave]

Wacky should write that bit in at the end!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Doctor Dave checks in a rusty old fridge.

"No, no cat in there either," he says.

"It was a long shot anyway," says the man.

"Yeah. I'm through with this."

"No, don't give up!"

"Seriously, there's no such thing as a magic cat from beyond the moon."

"Maybe there would be if you BELIEVED!"

"No."

"Just try!"

"NO."

"I need you to try!"

"Why? It won't cure your AIDS."

"This isn't about AIDS."

"What is it about then?"

"I love you!"

"Oh fuck..."

 

[Cassie]

lol

 

[Dr Dave]

Dammit not another guy who loves me!

 

[Mirah]

Haha!

 

[CaptainWacky]

"You love me?" asks a shocked Doctor Dave.

"YES!" says the man, moving in for a hug, but Dave pulls back.

"But I'm a man!"

"I can't help how I feel. I always liked girls...until now."

"I've had that affect on men before, I'll admit. But still...I have a beard."

"A sexy beard!"

"Please!"

"It is! I'd like to stroke it."

"Well...you can't!"

"Ah, come on! I've got AIDS, let me stroke your beard."

"You have AIDS, I forgot. That's why it would never work between us."

"Why?"

"I love wild unprotected sex."

"We could just hold hands!"

"No. Never."

"Ah, come on! GIVE US A HAND!"

"Look, I'm flattered but I'm not gay. Anyway, let's find your magic cat from beyond..."

"There's no such thing. I made it up to spend time with you. I've been in love with you ever since you diagnosed me with AIDS."

"Fuck!"

"I love you!"

"Shut up! I'm an ugly man."

"No. You're beautiful. You're beautiful! You're beautiful, it's true! I saw your face..."

"Stop singing or I'll stab you."

"It's a risk I'm willing to take."

 

[Dr Dave]

I think Dr Dave needs to stab the fucker.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Doctor Dave pulls out a hidden knife. "This has gone on long enough," he says.

"You're right," says the man. "AND NOW TO REVEAL WHO I REALLY AM!" He pulls his face off.

"Oh My God..." says Doctor Dave.

"That's right!" says the man, his face now off. "I am FACELESS BOB!"

 

[Cassie]

Dr Dave gets all the faceless bobs.