A new Doctor Dave story

[CaptainWacky]

"That's right! You are completely at my mercy!" says the mad woman.

"All of this...because I exposed your cheating ways?" asks Dave, sadly.

"I NEVER CHEAT! Okay, I did have a threesome with two swedish twins once, while my husband was having a shower, but that didn't count in context! It's all about context! That's what you detectives don't take into account!"

"I'm not the first, am I? I'm not the first man you've killed."

"Haha, you're not dead yet, but you're right...there has been so many. Remember Detective Dan?"

"I read the eulogy at his funeral."

"DEAD! By my hands. And lipstick. That's right, I killed him with lipstick! Want to know how? I AIN'T TELLING!"

"You bitch."

"I'm a pyscho murderer femme fatale, not a bitch!"

"Bitch!"

"Why don't you stand up and say that? Oh, wait, YOU CAN'T!"

Doctor Dave tries to get out of bed. "I'll rip you apart with my teeth if I have to..."

"You can't walk! You ain't got no legs, dumbass! Stop trying to walk...STOP THAT!"

Dave pulls himself to the edge of the bed then, with a look of defiance on his face, STANDS UP. He walks towards the mad woman slowly, on no legs. "Oh yeah?"

"Stop that...you'll fall over! You have no legs!"

"So you keep saying. And I can't see any. And yet..."

"Okay, I'll admit it...the drugs I gave you made you highly suggestable. I just had to say I'd chopped your dirty legs off and you'd believe it. But...but...uhh...I STILL HAVE A GUN!"

She pulls out a gun.

"Yeah? Well, lady, I've still got legs...and I know how to use them."

 

[Cassie]

Rawr! Dr Dave is a bad mammajamma.

 

[Yub]

I concur. He's not to be trifled with lightly.

 

[Dr Dave]

word

 

[CaptainWacky]

"I'll shoot...don't think I won't!"

"You won't."

"Don't think I won't!"

"I think you won't."

"I'll shoot!"

"Hurry the fuck up about it then."

"BANG BANG! There!"

"You didn't shoot. You just said 'BANG BANG'. That's not shooting."

"I hate you!"

"That's not even a gun. It's a banana painted black."

"It's a gun specially designed to LOOK like a banana painted black, you pretentious fuckwit!"

"Shoot me then, ho."

She squeezes her banana gun. Banana flies out. "DIEEEE!"

"Mmm, banana," says Dave. "Now let's sit down and talk."

"I thought you were going to kick the shit out of me with your still present legs?"

"I'm a doctor. I took a vow to do no harm and no harm will I do. I want to help you."

"I KILL THINGS!"

"Nobody is beyond help. You have a husband who loves you..."

"I killed him and drank his blood! ALL HIS BLOOD! If you're thirsty and you feel like drinking some blood, you won't find it in his body!"

"Never the less, I can help..."

"I killed the last person who tried to help! He was the milkman! I said I didn't want milk, I wanted blood. HIS blood! Then I shot him!"

"With your banana gun?"

"No, with a crossbow! THIS crossbow!"

She pulls out a crossbow and aims it at Doctor Dave.

 

[Dr Dave]

ZOMG!

Will harm come to Dr Dave?

Will the banana assosiation object to the use of the banana as a gun?

Will Cassie post an amuseing Dr Dave related comment?

Tune in next time save Dave time, same Dave channnel.

 

[Yub]

This is awesome. A crossbow is not a match for Dr Dave!

 

[CaptainWacky]

"You're not going to shoot me," says Dave, calmly.

"OH YEAH? I KILL PEOPLE!"

"Really?"

"Yes! Husband! Milkman! Detective Dan!"

"Detective Dan was 98 years old and died of natural causes."

"Yeah, it's real natural to have your head chopped off by an axe-wielding femme fatale! ME!"

"His head wasn't chopped off!"

"I...I glued it back on!"

"No you didn't! You've never killed anyone, have you?"

"My husband! HIS BLOOD! MMM, TASTY!"

"So you say..."

"Our children too...I killed their gay asses!"

"Your file said you don't have any children!"

"I travelled forward in time and killed them there! I HAVE A TIME MACHINE. AN EVIL TIME MACHINE."

"But...you said you killed your husband."

"That's right!"

"And you're not pregnant."

"That's right! I just took 8 pregnancy tests while you were drugged!"

"So...how can you have children to kill in the future?"

"I...uhh...what...no! NO! NOT A PARADOX!"

"Give me the crossbow."

"I'll give it to you...BETWEEN YOUR EYES!"

 

[Cassie]

LOOK OUT DR DAVE!!

 

[Yub]

ROFL! She's a nutjob! Dr Dave cannot be defeated by someone with such a light grasp or sanity.

 

[Dr Dave]

I vote she start talking to the crossbow.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"You're not going to shoot me," says Dave. "If you were, you already would have by now."

"Yeah? WANT A BET? I'LL GIVE YOU TEN TO ONE ODDS! WHOO!"

"Listen, I know you haven't killed anyone..."

"I have! I killed The Rock! Put the news on! There will be a report about how the Rock has died!"

"Really?"

"YES, BASTARDFACE!"

"So if I put the tv on right now, there will be a report about the Rock being murdered?"

"YUH-HUH!"

"Okay then..."

"Uhh...wait! I, umm, forgot! It won't be on your tv! I, uhh...I FIXED YER TV GOOD, SEE! Made it so that it can't show the news. I forgot to tell you."

"I see."

"But I did! I killed The Rock! And Emma Watson! Mmm, her blood tasted like strawberries."

"That's funny, because Emma Watson was supposed to be coming by my place today. For sex."

"She's underage, you sick fuck!"

"And dead."

"What? She's not...oh yeah, she's dead. I killed her. Just like I killed Osama!"

"This is getting silly. I can help you."

"You can't help me! You're not a doctor anymore, just a destective!"

"I will always be a doctor at heart."

"Then why did you quit the medical profession, fatnose?"

"I got sick..."

"Then you should have healed yourself! HA!"

"I got sick of sick people. They're so depressing. Sneezing and dying all the time. I couldn't take being around them any longer."

"So you left them! LEFT THEM TO DIE!"

"I...I suppose I did. What kind of a man am I?"

"A DEAD MAN!"

"Perhaps that will be for the best..."

 

[Cassie]

I think Dr Dave is secretly hot for the crazy chick.

 

[Dr Dave]

Crazy Dave sex to come soon?

 

[Yub]

I think he will knock her out with his penid.

 

[Dr Dave]

penid slap?

 

[Yub]

Can you think of a better way to make a hot crazy bitch shut the hell up? Of course penid slap, foo'!

 

[CaptainWacky]

"This is some kind of reverse psychology! You don't want me to kill you, do you?"

"No. I'm just waiting."

"Waiting for what?"

"For the sun to come up, vampire!"

 

[Cassie]

OH SNAP!

 

[Dr Dave]

She's a vampire?!