CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Jack, Kate, Juliet, Sun, Jin, Charlotte and Daniel are at the breakfast bar on the beach.)
Sun: Can you pass the milk please, Juliet?
Juliet: Sure.
(Juliet passes the milk.)
Kate: Watch out Sun, she probably spat in it!
Juliet: I did not!
Kate: Pfft, you're probably LYING like you always do!
Jack: Kate, enough.
Jin: It's probably her breast milk! From her massive tits!
(Everyone stares at Jin.)
Jin: Sorry. Sawyer has been teaching me, how you say...bawdy humour. Go on, give me a squeeze, Jiggles!
Sun: Jin!
Jin: Oh lighten up, ho. You're probably cheating on me with Jack and Bernard anyway.
Sun: I would never sleep with Bernard!
Jack: And I'm sleeping with Juliet now. I think.
Kate: Really? You chose her over me?
Jack(coldly): Just like you chose to have sex with Sawyer in that bear cage over me.
Kate: Oh, throw that back in my face...
Jack: Like you threw Sawyer back into the bear cage for MORE SEX?
Charlotte: I'm sorry, but what are you people talking? Why do you think anyone would care about your relationships?
Jack(with intensity): PEOPLE CARE.
(A helicopter lands and Desmond, Sayid and Michael get out.)
Jin: Sup, dudes?
Sayid: Michael is Ben's man on the boat. And he's good now.
Jin: Cool.
Michael: Anyone seen Walt? Maybe a bit taller? And see through? Anyone?
Jack: No.
Michael: Oh, never mind. I'm not even going to cry his name or anything. Hey, a new breakfast bar! And so much DHARMA food!
Kate: Pffft, yeah, we got another mysterious food drop the other day.
Sayid: I wonder who's sending the food...
Daniel: Well...
Charlotte: Daniel!
Sayid: You know?
Daniel: Well...
Charlotte: Don't say it!
Dsemond: Oh come on, brother! What possible reason could you have not to tell us?
Charlotte: We don't want to "confuse" anyone.
Daneil: Better not say. You're not supposed to find out until episode eleven of season five. No one actually cares by then, but you get an answer!
Sayid: And how do you know so much about the future?
Daniel: A time travelling mouse told me.
(Daniel winks at Desmond, who smiles knowingly.)
Sayid: Uh...huh...
(Suddenly, Locke, Sawyer, Claire and Miles come walking over a hill. Jack instantly pulls out a gun and aims it at Locke's face. Locke pulls out a knife and aims it at Jack's face.)
Kate: Don't shoot Locke in the face, Jack!
Jack: YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME WHO I CAN'T SHOOT IN FACE! NOT ANYMORE! YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE AND IT WAS SAWYER. YOU GET TO DECIDE WHO SAWYER SHOOTS IN THE FACE. BUT NOT ME. I'M NO ONE'S FACE SHOOTING PUPPET!
Sawyer: Put you knife down, John.
Locke: Don't tell me what I can't do!
Sawyer: I didn't!
Locke: Shut up then! You're just trying to get involved because you haven't had much to do this season!
Sawyer: Fair point.
(Sawyer takes out a Nintendo DS and starts playing.)
Hurley: Dude!
Sawyer: I found it in Ben's toilet.
Jack: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, JOHN?
Locke: Jack, stop shouting.
Jack: I'M THE MALE LEAD, I HAVE TO SHOUT.
Locke: We're hear to put Miles, Charlotte and Daniel on trial and see if they're interesting enough to live on this island.
Sayid: And whose crazy idea was that, John? Taller Ghost Walt's?
Locke: Actually, it was Shorter Ghost Boone's.
Sayid: Oh. His sister was hot.
Hurley: Let's start with the angry chinese guy!
Miles: Stop being racist, beaner.
Locke: Yeah, what IS the point of you anyway, Miles?
Miles: Ghosts. Money. Sarcasm. Pop culture references, probably.
Sawyer: Me and Hugo got those last two covered!
Miles: Breaking the forth wall, talking like an internet poster. You know, making jokes about Ana Lucia being a "bad driver" stuff like that.
Sawyer: Me and Hugo break the fourth wall too!
Kate: James, we need to talk about our relationship...
Sawyer: Not now, the message boards are sick of that story!
Kate: Oh.
Sawyer: SEE?
Miles: Look, I might not have done anything much yet...but I'm better than HIM!
(He points dramatically at Daniel.)
Sawyer: Yeah, what have YOU ever done, Jittery Joe?
Daniel: I invented time travel eight years ago. But it only works on mice.
Desmond: It's true! Mice!
Sawyer: ...oh.
Hurley: Dude!
Locke: That's pretty cool. Let's be friends. You can argue rationally against my crazy decisions and I'll end up completely ignoring you and you'll end up trying to shoot me in the face.
Jack: OH FUCK OFF!
Sawyer: Okay, then what about little orphan Annie here?
Charlotte: Oh you mean me, do you? Because I have red hair? OH HA HA.
Desmond: That, and Ben's girl Annie is your really mum. I just time-jumped and found that out. Sorry, you're not meant to know until season six...forget I said anything.
Kate: Actually, what DO you do?
Charlotte: Well, I've hit a few people on the head, bitch.
Kate: Pffft, wasn't even that hard! What else you got?
Charlotte: Bloody hell! Bollocks! Bagpuss! God save the Queen! Jam butties!
Locke: Being English isn't enough to impress us anymore, we've had plenty of them. I killed one!
Desmond: It's true, I just time jumped back to Scotland and even everyone there was English!
Locke: Did you never do anything interesting before you came to the island? Something you could flashback on later?
Charlotte: Well, I once slept with that guy from Driveshaft.
(Everyone looks at Claire. She says nothing.)
Jack: Aren't you going to react, Claire?
Claire: I'm only allowed to some emotion once per episode. I'm saving it for later.
Desmond: What, for when you find out Jack's your half brother? Oops, forgot what season I was in again!
Kate: So you slept with Charlie, huh? Well, that's something, it'll get Dominic a guest appearance anyway...
Charlotte: Charlie? No, I slept with his brother with the unconvincing accent, Liam!
Kate: Who gives a shit about Liam! Kill her, John! She's done nothing! I've blown up my father, arranged a bank hiest just to get a toy plane for some reason, hung around with a one-armed Australian...
(Charlotte hits Kate over the head with a sack full of doorknobs, knocking her out.)
Locke: Haha, you can stay. You can all stay!
(Locke starts dancing.)
Sawyer: So doc, guess you want to talk about Kate.
Jack: Hey, you're welcome to that cheating, unconscious ho-bag. I've already settled for Juliet and her massive tits.
Sawyer: But I don't want her! I'm enjoying the single life with Hugo.
Jack: Then I can have her?
Sawyer: Sure.
Jack: YIPPEEEE!
(Jack starts humping Kate's unconscious body.)
Desmond: Don't worry Juliet, just had a flashforward where I was in bed with you!
Juliet: That was a flashback...and you're not supposed to have remembered that. I'm sorry...
(She pulls a gun out from between her tits and aims it at Desmond.)
Jin: Oh, so THAT'S why your tits have been shown so much, to foreshadow the gun hidden between them! How delightful!
Hurley: Dude, your english is really absurdly good...wait a minute, Kate's got Aaron!
(Kate is running down the beach holding Aaron.)
Kate: Haha, that blow on the head has made me insane, insane for a baby of my own! You'll never catch me, I do a lot of running!
Jack: Wait, if that's Kate then who am I humping...eww, Nikki's corpse! Nobody even told me she was dead!
Sayid: Vincent must have dug her up.
Locke: Nothing stays buried on this island.
Michael: Don't mention Vincent! That just reminds me of WAA...
(Charlotte knocks Michael out with the sack of doorknobs.)
Hurley: How'd you know to do that?
Charlotte: I watched the show! I remember season two.
Miles: Me too. How come you have't lost any weight yet, tubs?
Hurley: Well...hey, Kate's getting away. Now would be a good time for you to show emotion, Claire.
Claire: MY BAY-BEE! SHE TOOK MY BAY-BEE! RIGHT OUT OF MY HANDS!
Jack: Shoot her, Juilet!
Juilet: I have to keep aiming this gun at Desmond, for reasons I can never explain! And you stop humping Nikki's corpse! That's not going to help get the baby back!
Jack(humping): Nothing can help that baby now!
Voice: I believe I can be of assistance.
(Everyone spins around as BEN walks out of the jungle.)
Jack: YOU!
Ben: That's right, Jack.
Locke: Yeah, I untied him. Fatter ghost Libby told me too. I'm not sure why.
Ben: But I'm sure, John. I was untied so that I can save Aaron from mad Kate, winning all your trust.
Sayid: If you could do that, I might even come to work for you!
Ben: Exactly.
Locke: Well you better hurry, she's gradually getting away!
Ben: Well, it is my final last remaining bargaining chip...
Jack: DO IT!
Ben: Fine.
Sun: How are you going to catch her?
Ben: Easily...
(He drops his trousers. He has ROBOT LEGS.)
Ben: I'm going to run really fast using my ROBOT LEGS!
Hurely: Dude.
LOST
Sun: Can you pass the milk please, Juliet?
Juliet: Sure.
(Juliet passes the milk.)
Kate: Watch out Sun, she probably spat in it!
Juliet: I did not!
Kate: Pfft, you're probably LYING like you always do!
Jack: Kate, enough.
Jin: It's probably her breast milk! From her massive tits!
(Everyone stares at Jin.)
Jin: Sorry. Sawyer has been teaching me, how you say...bawdy humour. Go on, give me a squeeze, Jiggles!
Sun: Jin!
Jin: Oh lighten up, ho. You're probably cheating on me with Jack and Bernard anyway.
Sun: I would never sleep with Bernard!
Jack: And I'm sleeping with Juliet now. I think.
Kate: Really? You chose her over me?
Jack(coldly): Just like you chose to have sex with Sawyer in that bear cage over me.
Kate: Oh, throw that back in my face...
Jack: Like you threw Sawyer back into the bear cage for MORE SEX?
Charlotte: I'm sorry, but what are you people talking? Why do you think anyone would care about your relationships?
Jack(with intensity): PEOPLE CARE.
(A helicopter lands and Desmond, Sayid and Michael get out.)
Jin: Sup, dudes?
Sayid: Michael is Ben's man on the boat. And he's good now.
Jin: Cool.
Michael: Anyone seen Walt? Maybe a bit taller? And see through? Anyone?
Jack: No.
Michael: Oh, never mind. I'm not even going to cry his name or anything. Hey, a new breakfast bar! And so much DHARMA food!
Kate: Pffft, yeah, we got another mysterious food drop the other day.
Sayid: I wonder who's sending the food...
Daniel: Well...
Charlotte: Daniel!
Sayid: You know?
Daniel: Well...
Charlotte: Don't say it!
Dsemond: Oh come on, brother! What possible reason could you have not to tell us?
Charlotte: We don't want to "confuse" anyone.
Daneil: Better not say. You're not supposed to find out until episode eleven of season five. No one actually cares by then, but you get an answer!
Sayid: And how do you know so much about the future?
Daniel: A time travelling mouse told me.
(Daniel winks at Desmond, who smiles knowingly.)
Sayid: Uh...huh...
(Suddenly, Locke, Sawyer, Claire and Miles come walking over a hill. Jack instantly pulls out a gun and aims it at Locke's face. Locke pulls out a knife and aims it at Jack's face.)
Kate: Don't shoot Locke in the face, Jack!
Jack: YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME WHO I CAN'T SHOOT IN FACE! NOT ANYMORE! YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE AND IT WAS SAWYER. YOU GET TO DECIDE WHO SAWYER SHOOTS IN THE FACE. BUT NOT ME. I'M NO ONE'S FACE SHOOTING PUPPET!
Sawyer: Put you knife down, John.
Locke: Don't tell me what I can't do!
Sawyer: I didn't!
Locke: Shut up then! You're just trying to get involved because you haven't had much to do this season!
Sawyer: Fair point.
(Sawyer takes out a Nintendo DS and starts playing.)
Hurley: Dude!
Sawyer: I found it in Ben's toilet.
Jack: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, JOHN?
Locke: Jack, stop shouting.
Jack: I'M THE MALE LEAD, I HAVE TO SHOUT.
Locke: We're hear to put Miles, Charlotte and Daniel on trial and see if they're interesting enough to live on this island.
Sayid: And whose crazy idea was that, John? Taller Ghost Walt's?
Locke: Actually, it was Shorter Ghost Boone's.
Sayid: Oh. His sister was hot.
Hurley: Let's start with the angry chinese guy!
Miles: Stop being racist, beaner.
Locke: Yeah, what IS the point of you anyway, Miles?
Miles: Ghosts. Money. Sarcasm. Pop culture references, probably.
Sawyer: Me and Hugo got those last two covered!
Miles: Breaking the forth wall, talking like an internet poster. You know, making jokes about Ana Lucia being a "bad driver" stuff like that.
Sawyer: Me and Hugo break the fourth wall too!
Kate: James, we need to talk about our relationship...
Sawyer: Not now, the message boards are sick of that story!
Kate: Oh.
Sawyer: SEE?
Miles: Look, I might not have done anything much yet...but I'm better than HIM!
(He points dramatically at Daniel.)
Sawyer: Yeah, what have YOU ever done, Jittery Joe?
Daniel: I invented time travel eight years ago. But it only works on mice.
Desmond: It's true! Mice!
Sawyer: ...oh.
Hurley: Dude!
Locke: That's pretty cool. Let's be friends. You can argue rationally against my crazy decisions and I'll end up completely ignoring you and you'll end up trying to shoot me in the face.
Jack: OH FUCK OFF!
Sawyer: Okay, then what about little orphan Annie here?
Charlotte: Oh you mean me, do you? Because I have red hair? OH HA HA.
Desmond: That, and Ben's girl Annie is your really mum. I just time-jumped and found that out. Sorry, you're not meant to know until season six...forget I said anything.
Kate: Actually, what DO you do?
Charlotte: Well, I've hit a few people on the head, bitch.
Kate: Pffft, wasn't even that hard! What else you got?
Charlotte: Bloody hell! Bollocks! Bagpuss! God save the Queen! Jam butties!
Locke: Being English isn't enough to impress us anymore, we've had plenty of them. I killed one!
Desmond: It's true, I just time jumped back to Scotland and even everyone there was English!
Locke: Did you never do anything interesting before you came to the island? Something you could flashback on later?
Charlotte: Well, I once slept with that guy from Driveshaft.
(Everyone looks at Claire. She says nothing.)
Jack: Aren't you going to react, Claire?
Claire: I'm only allowed to some emotion once per episode. I'm saving it for later.
Desmond: What, for when you find out Jack's your half brother? Oops, forgot what season I was in again!
Kate: So you slept with Charlie, huh? Well, that's something, it'll get Dominic a guest appearance anyway...
Charlotte: Charlie? No, I slept with his brother with the unconvincing accent, Liam!
Kate: Who gives a shit about Liam! Kill her, John! She's done nothing! I've blown up my father, arranged a bank hiest just to get a toy plane for some reason, hung around with a one-armed Australian...
(Charlotte hits Kate over the head with a sack full of doorknobs, knocking her out.)
Locke: Haha, you can stay. You can all stay!
(Locke starts dancing.)
Sawyer: So doc, guess you want to talk about Kate.
Jack: Hey, you're welcome to that cheating, unconscious ho-bag. I've already settled for Juliet and her massive tits.
Sawyer: But I don't want her! I'm enjoying the single life with Hugo.
Jack: Then I can have her?
Sawyer: Sure.
Jack: YIPPEEEE!
(Jack starts humping Kate's unconscious body.)
Desmond: Don't worry Juliet, just had a flashforward where I was in bed with you!
Juliet: That was a flashback...and you're not supposed to have remembered that. I'm sorry...
(She pulls a gun out from between her tits and aims it at Desmond.)
Jin: Oh, so THAT'S why your tits have been shown so much, to foreshadow the gun hidden between them! How delightful!
Hurley: Dude, your english is really absurdly good...wait a minute, Kate's got Aaron!
(Kate is running down the beach holding Aaron.)
Kate: Haha, that blow on the head has made me insane, insane for a baby of my own! You'll never catch me, I do a lot of running!
Jack: Wait, if that's Kate then who am I humping...eww, Nikki's corpse! Nobody even told me she was dead!
Sayid: Vincent must have dug her up.
Locke: Nothing stays buried on this island.
Michael: Don't mention Vincent! That just reminds me of WAA...
(Charlotte knocks Michael out with the sack of doorknobs.)
Hurley: How'd you know to do that?
Charlotte: I watched the show! I remember season two.
Miles: Me too. How come you have't lost any weight yet, tubs?
Hurley: Well...hey, Kate's getting away. Now would be a good time for you to show emotion, Claire.
Claire: MY BAY-BEE! SHE TOOK MY BAY-BEE! RIGHT OUT OF MY HANDS!
Jack: Shoot her, Juilet!
Juilet: I have to keep aiming this gun at Desmond, for reasons I can never explain! And you stop humping Nikki's corpse! That's not going to help get the baby back!
Jack(humping): Nothing can help that baby now!
Voice: I believe I can be of assistance.
(Everyone spins around as BEN walks out of the jungle.)
Jack: YOU!
Ben: That's right, Jack.
Locke: Yeah, I untied him. Fatter ghost Libby told me too. I'm not sure why.
Ben: But I'm sure, John. I was untied so that I can save Aaron from mad Kate, winning all your trust.
Sayid: If you could do that, I might even come to work for you!
Ben: Exactly.
Locke: Well you better hurry, she's gradually getting away!
Ben: Well, it is my final last remaining bargaining chip...
Jack: DO IT!
Ben: Fine.
Sun: How are you going to catch her?
Ben: Easily...
(He drops his trousers. He has ROBOT LEGS.)
Ben: I'm going to run really fast using my ROBOT LEGS!
Hurely: Dude.
LOST
