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Freestyle Lost: Season Four
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"You were great, Billy Dee!" - Nikki
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Sunn is in bed with someone.)
Sunn: I'm sorry, it was just not the same.
(We see the other person in bed. It's a blond woman who looks a bit like Juliet!)
Woman: No?
Sunn: No, sorry.
Woman: Well, it was fun for me!
Sunn: How much do I owe you?
Woman: Mrs Kwon...
Sunn: PLEASE don't kill me by that name. I shall soon be Mrs. Burke. Mrs. Juliet Burke.
Woman: Umm, okay...anyway, that was some of the best lesbian sex I've ever had. In fact, I'm now one hundred percent gay and will never be able to sleep with a male client again, it was so good!
Sunn: Oh, sorry. Juliet turned me one hundred percent gay...it was quite an experience...up there in the trees...Miles and Charlotte riving around beside us...Hurley clutching his knee...Jack shouting...Kate being a bitch...Sawyer saying "God damn it" or "son of a bitch"...what a day...
Woman: Yes...my point is...YOU'VE RUINED MY CAREER. I WILL KILL YOU! DIEEE!
(She pulls a KNIFE out and lunges at Sunn.)
Sunn: NO! I need to be reunited with Juliet!
(Right in time, a bullet HITS the blond woman right between the tits and she falls back, DEAD.)
Sunn: WHO!?
(Standing in the doorway is KATE!)
Sunn: Kate!?
Kate: That's right.
Sunn: YOU BITCH, YOU KILLED MY JULIET!
(Sunn runs at Kate and starts pounding her chest ineffectually with her fists.)
Sunn: You bitch...you biiiiitch...I fooled myself into thinking she was still alive, that we'd get married...but you killed her!
Kate: No, Sunn, listen...Juliet went out of the room just before the explosion...she could still be alive!
Sunn: Really?
Kate: Yes, really! Jin's probably dead though.
Sunn: Even better!
Kate: Sunn, I'm not here alone...
(Jack, Hurley and Ben enter the room.)
Hurley: Hey dude.
Sunn: What are you all doing here!?
Jack: WE'RE PUTTING THE BAND BACK TOGETHER. The Oceanic Six are returnign to the island.
Ben: And I'm going to be the pilot! Chocks away!
Sunn: Really!? We're going back? BACK TO JULIET!?
Hurley: And the rest, dude.
Sunn: BUT MAINLY JULIET?
Hurley: Uhh, sure.
Sunn: Well what are we fucking waiting for? LET'S GO!
Hurley: Uhh, dude...you're umm...
Jack: YOU'RE NAKED, SUNN.
(She's naked!)
Sunn: Well I did just finish having sex...there's no time to get dressed, we have to hurry to Juliet!
Kate: What about your baby? You could leave it with Hurley's mom, she's looking after Aaron for me...
Sunn: Baby?
Kate: Yes, your baby with Jin!
Sunn: Oh, that thing. I don't care about it. I gave it away to some white people a few years ago. Fuck it.
Kate: ...
Jack: ...
Ben: ...
Hurley: Dude.
Sunn: Let's go!
WHOOOOOOOOOOSH
(On the island, everyone is still in TREE CITY.)
Jack: ...so what do we do now?
Ben: I'm going to go RESCUE ALEX. Richard, you betrayed me, so you can come and help to redeem yourself.
Richard: Okay. I'll go get my robot suit.
Ben: You can catch up with me.
(Ben flies away in his robot armour.)
Locke: I wonder when the island is going to make me robot armour!
Charlotte: Oh for Carol Vorderman's sake, it's obvious that some scientist he's keeping up there made the suit, not the island!
Locke: IT WAS THE ISLAND. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I SHOULD PUT A GRENADE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Daniel: Hey...uhh...luh-leave her alone...you big, umm, bullly...
Lock: Hmmmph.
(Charlotte smiles at Daniel, who blushes. Miles catches this and looks JEALOUS!?)
Sawyer: God damn it, I was involved in the only love triangle on this island for months and now Kate's turned into a crazedy baby-stealer and I ain't getin' nothin'! But everyone else is! Look, Juliet's got her hands in Sunn's pockets!
(Juliet quickly pulls them out.)
Juliet: Uhh, I was looking for some gum...
Desmond: I've got gum!
Juliet: I don't like the flavour you have.
Desmond: But I didnae tell you the flavour, how could you know...
Juliet: I KNOW.
Sawyer: See! Maybe I should go help rescue Alex then take advantage of her gratitude! In fact...I'm going!
Hurley: I'm coming too, dude!
(He tries to walk after him but his knee is too badly hurt.)
Hurley: Wait. WAAAAIT!
Sawyer: Sorry, Hugo. This trip is only for people with two good knees.
Kate: You know, maybe we should check to see if there's a scientist up in that clubhouse...
Miles: And maybe you should breast feed Aaron in front of us.
Kate: Okay...hey! You dog!
(Jin high fives Miles.)
Jack: OKAY, LET'S LOOK.
Locke: There's nobody in there. It was the island, I tells ya. THE ISLAND!
(Jack opens the clubhouse door. There's a scientist with his mouth gagged!)
Jack: There's someone here!
Michael: Is it Walt?
Jack: No! It's a scientist!
Michael: Walt's a scientist! Well, he can time travel...
Jack: IT'S NOT WALT.
(Juliet pulls the gag off the scientist.)
Locke: Who are you? A MANIFESTATION OF THE ISLAND?
Scientist: No! I'm a scientist...and I know a way off this island!
(Everyone's jaws drop.)
LOST
Sunn: I'm sorry, it was just not the same.
(We see the other person in bed. It's a blond woman who looks a bit like Juliet!)
Woman: No?
Sunn: No, sorry.
Woman: Well, it was fun for me!
Sunn: How much do I owe you?
Woman: Mrs Kwon...
Sunn: PLEASE don't kill me by that name. I shall soon be Mrs. Burke. Mrs. Juliet Burke.
Woman: Umm, okay...anyway, that was some of the best lesbian sex I've ever had. In fact, I'm now one hundred percent gay and will never be able to sleep with a male client again, it was so good!
Sunn: Oh, sorry. Juliet turned me one hundred percent gay...it was quite an experience...up there in the trees...Miles and Charlotte riving around beside us...Hurley clutching his knee...Jack shouting...Kate being a bitch...Sawyer saying "God damn it" or "son of a bitch"...what a day...
Woman: Yes...my point is...YOU'VE RUINED MY CAREER. I WILL KILL YOU! DIEEE!
(She pulls a KNIFE out and lunges at Sunn.)
Sunn: NO! I need to be reunited with Juliet!
(Right in time, a bullet HITS the blond woman right between the tits and she falls back, DEAD.)
Sunn: WHO!?
(Standing in the doorway is KATE!)
Sunn: Kate!?
Kate: That's right.
Sunn: YOU BITCH, YOU KILLED MY JULIET!
(Sunn runs at Kate and starts pounding her chest ineffectually with her fists.)
Sunn: You bitch...you biiiiitch...I fooled myself into thinking she was still alive, that we'd get married...but you killed her!
Kate: No, Sunn, listen...Juliet went out of the room just before the explosion...she could still be alive!
Sunn: Really?
Kate: Yes, really! Jin's probably dead though.
Sunn: Even better!
Kate: Sunn, I'm not here alone...
(Jack, Hurley and Ben enter the room.)
Hurley: Hey dude.
Sunn: What are you all doing here!?
Jack: WE'RE PUTTING THE BAND BACK TOGETHER. The Oceanic Six are returnign to the island.
Ben: And I'm going to be the pilot! Chocks away!
Sunn: Really!? We're going back? BACK TO JULIET!?
Hurley: And the rest, dude.
Sunn: BUT MAINLY JULIET?
Hurley: Uhh, sure.
Sunn: Well what are we fucking waiting for? LET'S GO!
Hurley: Uhh, dude...you're umm...
Jack: YOU'RE NAKED, SUNN.
(She's naked!)
Sunn: Well I did just finish having sex...there's no time to get dressed, we have to hurry to Juliet!
Kate: What about your baby? You could leave it with Hurley's mom, she's looking after Aaron for me...
Sunn: Baby?
Kate: Yes, your baby with Jin!
Sunn: Oh, that thing. I don't care about it. I gave it away to some white people a few years ago. Fuck it.
Kate: ...
Jack: ...
Ben: ...
Hurley: Dude.
Sunn: Let's go!
WHOOOOOOOOOOSH
(On the island, everyone is still in TREE CITY.)
Jack: ...so what do we do now?
Ben: I'm going to go RESCUE ALEX. Richard, you betrayed me, so you can come and help to redeem yourself.
Richard: Okay. I'll go get my robot suit.
Ben: You can catch up with me.
(Ben flies away in his robot armour.)
Locke: I wonder when the island is going to make me robot armour!
Charlotte: Oh for Carol Vorderman's sake, it's obvious that some scientist he's keeping up there made the suit, not the island!
Locke: IT WAS THE ISLAND. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I SHOULD PUT A GRENADE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Daniel: Hey...uhh...luh-leave her alone...you big, umm, bullly...
Lock: Hmmmph.
(Charlotte smiles at Daniel, who blushes. Miles catches this and looks JEALOUS!?)
Sawyer: God damn it, I was involved in the only love triangle on this island for months and now Kate's turned into a crazedy baby-stealer and I ain't getin' nothin'! But everyone else is! Look, Juliet's got her hands in Sunn's pockets!
(Juliet quickly pulls them out.)
Juliet: Uhh, I was looking for some gum...
Desmond: I've got gum!
Juliet: I don't like the flavour you have.
Desmond: But I didnae tell you the flavour, how could you know...
Juliet: I KNOW.
Sawyer: See! Maybe I should go help rescue Alex then take advantage of her gratitude! In fact...I'm going!
Hurley: I'm coming too, dude!
(He tries to walk after him but his knee is too badly hurt.)
Hurley: Wait. WAAAAIT!
Sawyer: Sorry, Hugo. This trip is only for people with two good knees.
Kate: You know, maybe we should check to see if there's a scientist up in that clubhouse...
Miles: And maybe you should breast feed Aaron in front of us.
Kate: Okay...hey! You dog!
(Jin high fives Miles.)
Jack: OKAY, LET'S LOOK.
Locke: There's nobody in there. It was the island, I tells ya. THE ISLAND!
(Jack opens the clubhouse door. There's a scientist with his mouth gagged!)
Jack: There's someone here!
Michael: Is it Walt?
Jack: No! It's a scientist!
Michael: Walt's a scientist! Well, he can time travel...
Jack: IT'S NOT WALT.
(Juliet pulls the gag off the scientist.)
Locke: Who are you? A MANIFESTATION OF THE ISLAND?
Scientist: No! I'm a scientist...and I know a way off this island!
(Everyone's jaws drop.)
LOST
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(A man with a fake beard and stupid glasses walks into a McDonald's.)
Man: Excuse me, I'd like some money, please.
Worker: Umm, what?
Man: Isn't this a bank?
Worker: No...it's a McDonald's...
Man: MONEY MONEY MONEY!
Worker: What are you, retarded/
Man: Yes.
Worker: Huh?
Man: I'm a retard. Diagnosed and everything. DUH, DUH, THE BAD MAN MADE ME POOP MY PANTS.
Worker: Shit...I'm sorry...
Man: WAH WAH, THE BAD MAN SAID A BAD WORDY!
(The manager walks in.)
Manager: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, YOU YOUNG RUFFIAN?
Worker: Uhh, this guy's a retard...
Manager: Shit, don't CALL him a retard to his face, then!
Worker: Too late!
Man: Wah, wah...etc...son of a bitch...
Manager: We better give him some money so his parents or guardian don't sue us for distressing their retard son.
Man: Twenty thousand should cover it. And a Big Mac.
Manager: Umm...here you go...
Man: THANKS, BUDDY BOY! MEEP MEEP!
(He walks out with a sack of money and a Big Mac. As soon as he gets outside, he rips the false beard and glasses off and throws them away. It's Sawyer!)
Sawyer: Ah, the old "pretend to be a retard in McDonald's" con...never fails! Well, guess I better catch my flight to Australia now...
WHOOOOOSH
(PRESENT DAY. Sawyer is walking through the jungle looking for Alex and opportunity.)
Sawyer: God damn it, no sign of Alex anywhere...
(There is a NOISE in the BUSHES.)
Sawyer: Son of a bitch!
(He pulls out his GUN and aims it at the BUSHES.)
Sawyer: Whoever you are, I'll shoot you if you don't come out...
(It's Vincent!)
Sawyer: Oh, it's you, Scooby. I should have known. Anytime there's a noise from the bushes it turns out to be you.
(There's ANOTHER noise from the bushes and SOMEONE ELSE jumps out.)
Sawyer: Son of a bitch, someone else! I'll shoot...oh, it's you.
(It's Karl!)
Karl: Oh, hey Sawyer.
Sawyer: You're still alive, kid?
Karl: Uhh, yeah. Why wouldn't I be?
Sawyer: Don't know...just for some reason I thought you would have been shot by now...you and your water bottle.
Karl: Yeah, well I'm fine and so is my water bottle. Want some water?
Sawyer: I'd rather have some whisky!
Karl: Son of a bitch!
Sawyer: Hey kid, don't be stealing my lines!
(Sawyer MUSHES UP Karl's hair.)
Karl: What you doing out here?
Sawyer: Uhh...nothing.
Karl: Because I'm looking for my girlfriend, Alex. So that was can have sex.
Sawyer: Uhh, yeah. That's totally not what I'm doing.
Karl: Hey, what's that over there!?
(They run over to some more bushes and look out. The CAGE is set up with Alex, Danielle and Claire inside. Keamey and some redshirts are standing guard.
Sawyer: Son of a bitch!
Karl: It's Alex! We have to rescuse her! They're gonna execute her!
Sawyer: Whoah, slow down there, Skywalker!
Karl: Who?
Sawyer: Oh yeah, cultural references are meaningless on you...umm, I don't even know how to talk without them...
Karl: I can't believe they have her in that cage like an animal!
Sawyer: Hate to tell you this, kid...but that's a rape cage.
Karl: GRRRR!
Sawyer: But I've got an idea of how to save them...using an old con...
Karl: What are you talking about?
Sawyer: Something I like to calll...the McDonald's con!
Karl: What the fuck is McDonald's!?
(Sawyer puts his shoes on backwards.)
Sawyer: That should do it!
(He jumps out of the bushes with a PUZZLED LOOK on his face.)
Sawyer: I need an adult!
Keamey: Who the fuck are you?
Sawyer: Wah, wah, bad man sweary!
Keamey: It's a retard!
Sawyer: Don't call me that! Me special!
Obviously Homosexual Redshirt: Boss...can we throw it in the rape cage too?
Keamey: Hehe, why not!
(The redshirts take Sawyer's arm...but he quickly knocks them both down with KARATE KICKS!)
Sawyer: A little smoething I learned from Jin!
(He launches a FLYING KICK at Keamey but Keamey pulls out a BASEBALL BAT and knocks Sawyer out of the air.)
Keamey: Home run!
(Keamey is about to BEAT SAWYER TO DEATH when Karl shoots Keamey in the nose!)
Keamey: My nose! You bastard!
(He runs away, his nose bleeding. Karl runs up to the cage.)
Alex: Karl!?
Karl: I'm Karl Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you!
Claire: What?
Karl: I'm here to rescue you, I'm here with James Ford!
Claire: James Ford!?
Karl: Yeah!
Claire: Let's go!
Danielle: Uhh...do you have the keys?
Karl: ...damn it.
LOST
Man: Excuse me, I'd like some money, please.
Worker: Umm, what?
Man: Isn't this a bank?
Worker: No...it's a McDonald's...
Man: MONEY MONEY MONEY!
Worker: What are you, retarded/
Man: Yes.
Worker: Huh?
Man: I'm a retard. Diagnosed and everything. DUH, DUH, THE BAD MAN MADE ME POOP MY PANTS.
Worker: Shit...I'm sorry...
Man: WAH WAH, THE BAD MAN SAID A BAD WORDY!
(The manager walks in.)
Manager: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, YOU YOUNG RUFFIAN?
Worker: Uhh, this guy's a retard...
Manager: Shit, don't CALL him a retard to his face, then!
Worker: Too late!
Man: Wah, wah...etc...son of a bitch...
Manager: We better give him some money so his parents or guardian don't sue us for distressing their retard son.
Man: Twenty thousand should cover it. And a Big Mac.
Manager: Umm...here you go...
Man: THANKS, BUDDY BOY! MEEP MEEP!
(He walks out with a sack of money and a Big Mac. As soon as he gets outside, he rips the false beard and glasses off and throws them away. It's Sawyer!)
Sawyer: Ah, the old "pretend to be a retard in McDonald's" con...never fails! Well, guess I better catch my flight to Australia now...
WHOOOOOSH
(PRESENT DAY. Sawyer is walking through the jungle looking for Alex and opportunity.)
Sawyer: God damn it, no sign of Alex anywhere...
(There is a NOISE in the BUSHES.)
Sawyer: Son of a bitch!
(He pulls out his GUN and aims it at the BUSHES.)
Sawyer: Whoever you are, I'll shoot you if you don't come out...
(It's Vincent!)
Sawyer: Oh, it's you, Scooby. I should have known. Anytime there's a noise from the bushes it turns out to be you.
(There's ANOTHER noise from the bushes and SOMEONE ELSE jumps out.)
Sawyer: Son of a bitch, someone else! I'll shoot...oh, it's you.
(It's Karl!)
Karl: Oh, hey Sawyer.
Sawyer: You're still alive, kid?
Karl: Uhh, yeah. Why wouldn't I be?
Sawyer: Don't know...just for some reason I thought you would have been shot by now...you and your water bottle.
Karl: Yeah, well I'm fine and so is my water bottle. Want some water?
Sawyer: I'd rather have some whisky!
Karl: Son of a bitch!
Sawyer: Hey kid, don't be stealing my lines!
(Sawyer MUSHES UP Karl's hair.)
Karl: What you doing out here?
Sawyer: Uhh...nothing.
Karl: Because I'm looking for my girlfriend, Alex. So that was can have sex.
Sawyer: Uhh, yeah. That's totally not what I'm doing.
Karl: Hey, what's that over there!?
(They run over to some more bushes and look out. The CAGE is set up with Alex, Danielle and Claire inside. Keamey and some redshirts are standing guard.
Sawyer: Son of a bitch!
Karl: It's Alex! We have to rescuse her! They're gonna execute her!
Sawyer: Whoah, slow down there, Skywalker!
Karl: Who?
Sawyer: Oh yeah, cultural references are meaningless on you...umm, I don't even know how to talk without them...
Karl: I can't believe they have her in that cage like an animal!
Sawyer: Hate to tell you this, kid...but that's a rape cage.
Karl: GRRRR!
Sawyer: But I've got an idea of how to save them...using an old con...
Karl: What are you talking about?
Sawyer: Something I like to calll...the McDonald's con!
Karl: What the fuck is McDonald's!?
(Sawyer puts his shoes on backwards.)
Sawyer: That should do it!
(He jumps out of the bushes with a PUZZLED LOOK on his face.)
Sawyer: I need an adult!
Keamey: Who the fuck are you?
Sawyer: Wah, wah, bad man sweary!
Keamey: It's a retard!
Sawyer: Don't call me that! Me special!
Obviously Homosexual Redshirt: Boss...can we throw it in the rape cage too?
Keamey: Hehe, why not!
(The redshirts take Sawyer's arm...but he quickly knocks them both down with KARATE KICKS!)
Sawyer: A little smoething I learned from Jin!
(He launches a FLYING KICK at Keamey but Keamey pulls out a BASEBALL BAT and knocks Sawyer out of the air.)
Keamey: Home run!
(Keamey is about to BEAT SAWYER TO DEATH when Karl shoots Keamey in the nose!)
Keamey: My nose! You bastard!
(He runs away, his nose bleeding. Karl runs up to the cage.)
Alex: Karl!?
Karl: I'm Karl Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you!
Claire: What?
Karl: I'm here to rescue you, I'm here with James Ford!
Claire: James Ford!?
Karl: Yeah!
Claire: Let's go!
Danielle: Uhh...do you have the keys?
Karl: ...damn it.
LOST
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Back to TREE CITY. Everyone is quizzing the scientist.)
Jack: YOU KNOW A WAY OFF THIS ISLAND?
Scientist: That's right! The way I was brought here...
Locke: Don't...don't listen to him! He's probably evil!
Scientist: I am not!
Locke: He is, I can tell...look at his beady little eyes.
Scientist: Hey!
Locke: In fact...I think I here the island telling me to kill him!
(Locke reaches into his PANTS to pull out a GUN but can't find one.)
Sayid: Looking for this?
(Sayid has Locke's gun!)
Locke: Damn it Sayid, you don't know what you're doing!
Sayid: I'm stopping you shooting an innocent man!
Locke: Yeah...but...he's evil too! I can smell it!
Scientist: That's my own piss. There's no toilet up there.
Locke: ...oh.
Jack: SO THIS WAY OFF THE ISLAND...WHAT IS IT?
Scientist: You wouldn't believe me if I told you!
Desmond: Oh fuck off!
Hurley: Great, another lame excuse why someone can't tell us important information...
Sayid: This is even worse than Juliet saying we'd kill her if she ever told us what the Others did on this island.
Juliet: You would! You'd kill me! All of you! I can never tell!
Desmond: I'd never kill you, Juliet.
Juliet: Fuck off.
Sunn: I'd never kill you either.
(Juliet kises Sunn passionately on the lips.)
Jin: Uhh...
Juliet: Umm, I kiss everyone all the time...
(She kisses Hurley, briskly.)
Juliet: See?
Hurley: Oww, you bit me!
Juliet: Shut up, fatso.
Jack: CAN WE GET BACK TO THIS WAY OFF THE ISLAND?
Kate: Can Aaron come?
Scientist: You can all come! The way off...it's a transporter room.
Sayid: What!?
Scientist: You know, like on Star Trek! Yeah, but it's a DHARMA station called...
Daniel, Miles and Charlotte: The Orchid.
(Everyone SPINS ROUND to look about them.)
Jack: YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME?
Miles: Duh!
Kate: Why didn't you tell us?
Charlotte: We didn't want to "confuse" anyone.
Daniel: And without the, umm, Hesenberg compensators, it, umm, probably won't, uhh, work.
Miles: That, and we were going to kill you all for money.
Daniel: There is that too.
Frank: What!? I didn't know about that!
Charlotte: That's because we're regulars and you're just a guest star, dear.
Miles: Yeah, why ARE you still alive anyway? You should have died in the battle to show how dangerous captain Gault is.
Frank: Don't you try and kill me, you bastard! Don't none of you bastards try! AAAAAAH!
(He takes a step back in fear and FALLS OFF THE EDGE OF THE PLATFORM TO HIS DEATH BELOW. His neck snaps as he hits the ground.)
Hurley: He's dead!
Michael: Are you sure?
Miles: I'm sure, his ghost just waved to me as it flew by.
Hurley: Dude.
Jack: ANYWAY, ABOUT THIS ORCHID THING?
Scientist: Yeah, I'll take you all to it.
Locke: THIS IS A MISTAKE! YOU'LL LIVE TO REGRET IT! AAAAAH!
Jack: I WON'T. ONCE I GET HOME I'M NEVER COMING BACK TO THIS ISLAND AGAIN.
WHOOOOOOSH
(Jack, Kate, Sunn and Hurley are in a plane flown by BEN. It is flying towards the ISLAND.)
Ben: Nearly back!
Jack: Never thought I'd go back here.
Sunn: Do you think we'll be able to see Juliet's boobs from the air?
Jack: No.
Kate: It's a shame we coudn't find Sayid.
Ben: MWAHAHAHAHA!
Hurley: Dude?
Ben: Something in my throat, sorry.
Kate: There it is!
Ben: Yarr!
Hurley: Dude.
(They fly over the ISLAND.)
Jack: It looks just the same...
Ben: From up here, yes. But it's been nearly three years. I must warn you now, what you are about to see on the island may shock you to your very core.
Hurley: Like what?
Ben: Oh, for example...THAT!
(The SMOKE MONSTER if flying towards them at an alarming rate!)
Kate: Oh noes!
Sunn: Hey, what is that?
Jack: IT'S NOT JULIET'S TITS, OKAY?
Sunn: No, on the Smoke Monster's back! It's a person!
Ben: So it is!
(Jack looks out the window with a pair of binoculars.)
Jack: DAD!?
(It is indeed Christian Shepherd riding on the back of the smoke monster!)
Christian: WELCOME BACK, SON. WELCOME TO HELL!
(The Smoke Monster SMASHES right through BOTH of the planes wings and it start to hurtle down.)
Ben: Buh-bye!
(Ben jumps out of the plane then releases a PARACHUTE!)
Hurley: He had the only parachute!
Sunn: We're doomed!
Kate: Not another plane crash!
Jack: DAD!?
LOST
Jack: YOU KNOW A WAY OFF THIS ISLAND?
Scientist: That's right! The way I was brought here...
Locke: Don't...don't listen to him! He's probably evil!
Scientist: I am not!
Locke: He is, I can tell...look at his beady little eyes.
Scientist: Hey!
Locke: In fact...I think I here the island telling me to kill him!
(Locke reaches into his PANTS to pull out a GUN but can't find one.)
Sayid: Looking for this?
(Sayid has Locke's gun!)
Locke: Damn it Sayid, you don't know what you're doing!
Sayid: I'm stopping you shooting an innocent man!
Locke: Yeah...but...he's evil too! I can smell it!
Scientist: That's my own piss. There's no toilet up there.
Locke: ...oh.
Jack: SO THIS WAY OFF THE ISLAND...WHAT IS IT?
Scientist: You wouldn't believe me if I told you!
Desmond: Oh fuck off!
Hurley: Great, another lame excuse why someone can't tell us important information...
Sayid: This is even worse than Juliet saying we'd kill her if she ever told us what the Others did on this island.
Juliet: You would! You'd kill me! All of you! I can never tell!
Desmond: I'd never kill you, Juliet.
Juliet: Fuck off.
Sunn: I'd never kill you either.
(Juliet kises Sunn passionately on the lips.)
Jin: Uhh...
Juliet: Umm, I kiss everyone all the time...
(She kisses Hurley, briskly.)
Juliet: See?
Hurley: Oww, you bit me!
Juliet: Shut up, fatso.
Jack: CAN WE GET BACK TO THIS WAY OFF THE ISLAND?
Kate: Can Aaron come?
Scientist: You can all come! The way off...it's a transporter room.
Sayid: What!?
Scientist: You know, like on Star Trek! Yeah, but it's a DHARMA station called...
Daniel, Miles and Charlotte: The Orchid.
(Everyone SPINS ROUND to look about them.)
Jack: YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME?
Miles: Duh!
Kate: Why didn't you tell us?
Charlotte: We didn't want to "confuse" anyone.
Daniel: And without the, umm, Hesenberg compensators, it, umm, probably won't, uhh, work.
Miles: That, and we were going to kill you all for money.
Daniel: There is that too.
Frank: What!? I didn't know about that!
Charlotte: That's because we're regulars and you're just a guest star, dear.
Miles: Yeah, why ARE you still alive anyway? You should have died in the battle to show how dangerous captain Gault is.
Frank: Don't you try and kill me, you bastard! Don't none of you bastards try! AAAAAAH!
(He takes a step back in fear and FALLS OFF THE EDGE OF THE PLATFORM TO HIS DEATH BELOW. His neck snaps as he hits the ground.)
Hurley: He's dead!
Michael: Are you sure?
Miles: I'm sure, his ghost just waved to me as it flew by.
Hurley: Dude.
Jack: ANYWAY, ABOUT THIS ORCHID THING?
Scientist: Yeah, I'll take you all to it.
Locke: THIS IS A MISTAKE! YOU'LL LIVE TO REGRET IT! AAAAAH!
Jack: I WON'T. ONCE I GET HOME I'M NEVER COMING BACK TO THIS ISLAND AGAIN.
WHOOOOOOSH
(Jack, Kate, Sunn and Hurley are in a plane flown by BEN. It is flying towards the ISLAND.)
Ben: Nearly back!
Jack: Never thought I'd go back here.
Sunn: Do you think we'll be able to see Juliet's boobs from the air?
Jack: No.
Kate: It's a shame we coudn't find Sayid.
Ben: MWAHAHAHAHA!
Hurley: Dude?
Ben: Something in my throat, sorry.
Kate: There it is!
Ben: Yarr!
Hurley: Dude.
(They fly over the ISLAND.)
Jack: It looks just the same...
Ben: From up here, yes. But it's been nearly three years. I must warn you now, what you are about to see on the island may shock you to your very core.
Hurley: Like what?
Ben: Oh, for example...THAT!
(The SMOKE MONSTER if flying towards them at an alarming rate!)
Kate: Oh noes!
Sunn: Hey, what is that?
Jack: IT'S NOT JULIET'S TITS, OKAY?
Sunn: No, on the Smoke Monster's back! It's a person!
Ben: So it is!
(Jack looks out the window with a pair of binoculars.)
Jack: DAD!?
(It is indeed Christian Shepherd riding on the back of the smoke monster!)
Christian: WELCOME BACK, SON. WELCOME TO HELL!
(The Smoke Monster SMASHES right through BOTH of the planes wings and it start to hurtle down.)
Ben: Buh-bye!
(Ben jumps out of the plane then releases a PARACHUTE!)
Hurley: He had the only parachute!
Sunn: We're doomed!
Kate: Not another plane crash!
Jack: DAD!?
LOST
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Jack, Locke, the scientist and all that group are walking through the jungle.)
Jack: HOW LONG UNTIL WE GET THERE?
Scientist: Not long!
Jack: IT'S WEIRD THAT NONE OF US HAVE FOUND THIS PLACE BEFORE.
Scientist: Actually, it's not...hehe...
Locke: He's laughing, he's evil!
Sayid: Oh shut up, John!
Desmond: Aye, brother! I'm getting off this island, finally! Me and Juliet are going to start a new life. And that future I saw, where Ben shot me? Not going to happen, brother!
Juliet: You saw Ben kill you?
Desmond: Aye, but don't worry about that.
(Juliet and Sunn exchange a look.)
Hurley: Hey, dudes, don't you think we should send someone back to the beach to tell the other survivors about this Orchid transporter place?
Kate: Nah!
Jack: No point, they're probably all dead, killed by the freighter people or some such shit.
Hurley: Really?
Jack: You...Rose and Bernard probably survived though. But it would be dangerous to go back.
Sayid: Then send Michael!
Jack: Good plan!
Michael: Aww, man! I've been shot in the groin and stabbed in the head, do I still need to be punished?
Jack: Yes.
Kate: Yes.
Locke: Yes.
Sayid: Yes.
Hurley: Yes.
Jin: Yes.
Sunn: Yes.
Juliet: I agree with Sunn.
Desmond: Aye.
Charlotte: Pip pip!
Daniel: Uhh, yes.
Miles: I don't fucking care.
Michael: Aww, man!
Scientist: SSSSH! We're here!
Jack: WE ARE?
Scientist: THIS is the Orchid!
(He points at a rock.)
Sayid: ...that's just a rock.
Scientist: AHAHA, HAHAHA, AAAAHAHAHA!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(Back to Ben's bedroom, where Nadia is still holding a gun to Sayid.)
Sayid: Why!?
Nadia: Because you left me, Sayid!
Sayid: I was an island!
Nadia: NO EXCUSES.
Ben: How delightful!
Sayid: And YOU! None of this makes sense!
Nadia: HAHAHA, AAAAHAHAHAHA, AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA!
Sayid: Wait a minute...you're holding the gun with your left hand!
Nadia: So?
Sayid: Nadia is right handed!
Ben: Oops!
Nadia: Shit, umm...
(She switches hands.)
Sayid: Ha! I tricked you! Everyone knows Nadia is really LEFT handed! Old lefty Nadia!
Nadia: Drat!
(Sayid pulls the sheets off of Ben's bed.)
Sayid: And you have human legs!
Ben: So?
Sayid: Everyone knows Ben has ROBOT LEGS!
Ben: Oh, okay, you've found us out!
(Suddenly he SHIFTS into Widmore!)
Widmore: It was me all along! Ben gave you the right address. My wizard cast a glammour to disguise me.
Sayid: I knew it! A wizard! And her! Who is she!
Widmore: Show him.
Nadia: Yes, master.
(She shifts...)
Sayid: No...NO!
(It's Shannon!)
Shannon: Howdy!
Sayid: THE FUCK!?
Shannon: Hehe!
Sayid: It's another illusion!
(He grabs her tits and squeezes them.)
Sayid: Those are her real tits! You really are Shannon!
Shannon: Shannon? My name is TEST SUBJECT B48.
Sayid: HUH!?
Widmore: Okay, the rest of you can come out now.
(His closet door opens...and BOONE, ARZT, MISTER EKO, NIKKI, PAULO, LIBBY, ANA LUCIA, CHARLIE and FRANK come out.)
Sayid: But you're all dead! You can't be...unless you are...
Widmore: Put the pieces together.
Sayid: You're clones!
Widmore: That's right! It's all been about clones! ALL ALONG!
LOST
Jack: HOW LONG UNTIL WE GET THERE?
Scientist: Not long!
Jack: IT'S WEIRD THAT NONE OF US HAVE FOUND THIS PLACE BEFORE.
Scientist: Actually, it's not...hehe...
Locke: He's laughing, he's evil!
Sayid: Oh shut up, John!
Desmond: Aye, brother! I'm getting off this island, finally! Me and Juliet are going to start a new life. And that future I saw, where Ben shot me? Not going to happen, brother!
Juliet: You saw Ben kill you?
Desmond: Aye, but don't worry about that.
(Juliet and Sunn exchange a look.)
Hurley: Hey, dudes, don't you think we should send someone back to the beach to tell the other survivors about this Orchid transporter place?
Kate: Nah!
Jack: No point, they're probably all dead, killed by the freighter people or some such shit.
Hurley: Really?
Jack: You...Rose and Bernard probably survived though. But it would be dangerous to go back.
Sayid: Then send Michael!
Jack: Good plan!
Michael: Aww, man! I've been shot in the groin and stabbed in the head, do I still need to be punished?
Jack: Yes.
Kate: Yes.
Locke: Yes.
Sayid: Yes.
Hurley: Yes.
Jin: Yes.
Sunn: Yes.
Juliet: I agree with Sunn.
Desmond: Aye.
Charlotte: Pip pip!
Daniel: Uhh, yes.
Miles: I don't fucking care.
Michael: Aww, man!
Scientist: SSSSH! We're here!
Jack: WE ARE?
Scientist: THIS is the Orchid!
(He points at a rock.)
Sayid: ...that's just a rock.
Scientist: AHAHA, HAHAHA, AAAAHAHAHA!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(Back to Ben's bedroom, where Nadia is still holding a gun to Sayid.)
Sayid: Why!?
Nadia: Because you left me, Sayid!
Sayid: I was an island!
Nadia: NO EXCUSES.
Ben: How delightful!
Sayid: And YOU! None of this makes sense!
Nadia: HAHAHA, AAAAHAHAHAHA, AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA!
Sayid: Wait a minute...you're holding the gun with your left hand!
Nadia: So?
Sayid: Nadia is right handed!
Ben: Oops!
Nadia: Shit, umm...
(She switches hands.)
Sayid: Ha! I tricked you! Everyone knows Nadia is really LEFT handed! Old lefty Nadia!
Nadia: Drat!
(Sayid pulls the sheets off of Ben's bed.)
Sayid: And you have human legs!
Ben: So?
Sayid: Everyone knows Ben has ROBOT LEGS!
Ben: Oh, okay, you've found us out!
(Suddenly he SHIFTS into Widmore!)
Widmore: It was me all along! Ben gave you the right address. My wizard cast a glammour to disguise me.
Sayid: I knew it! A wizard! And her! Who is she!
Widmore: Show him.
Nadia: Yes, master.
(She shifts...)
Sayid: No...NO!
(It's Shannon!)
Shannon: Howdy!
Sayid: THE FUCK!?
Shannon: Hehe!
Sayid: It's another illusion!
(He grabs her tits and squeezes them.)
Sayid: Those are her real tits! You really are Shannon!
Shannon: Shannon? My name is TEST SUBJECT B48.
Sayid: HUH!?
Widmore: Okay, the rest of you can come out now.
(His closet door opens...and BOONE, ARZT, MISTER EKO, NIKKI, PAULO, LIBBY, ANA LUCIA, CHARLIE and FRANK come out.)
Sayid: But you're all dead! You can't be...unless you are...
Widmore: Put the pieces together.
Sayid: You're clones!
Widmore: That's right! It's all been about clones! ALL ALONG!
LOST
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Michael is walking through the jungle, alone.)
Michael: Man I can't believe this shit, making me go off on some dangerous mission just because I killed two women a few months ago, nobody even remembers their names now anyway, this stinks, I hate Jack so much...
(SUDDENLY he sees the CAGE where Claire, Alex and Danielle are being held, with Sawyer and Karl standing outside trying to open it. Michael runs over.)
Michael: Hey buddy, what's going on?
Sawyer: I'm not your buddy, Lando.
Michael: Aww come on, man, you've proably killed more people than me!
Sawyer: My kills were morally ambiguous, at least. Yours were just evil!
Michael: How can I make it up?
Karl: Open this cage before the rest of the freighters come back!
Claire: Eww, I don't want him opening my cage.
Alex: Yeah, he's BLACK.
(Everyone stares at Alex.)
Alex: What...that's not why you all hate him?
Claire: He killed two women.
Alex: Oh...right...hehe...of course...
Danielle: Don't worry, I hate them too. You must get it from me.
(Danielle glows with motherly pride.)
Sawyer: What we need is for someone to melt the bars!
(Ben suddenly lands on the ground, still in his robot suit.)
Ben: Mind if I "drop in"?
Saywer: You bug-eyed bastard!
Ben: Hmm, trapped in a cage, eh? Let's see what I can do...
(Ben melts the bars with his FLAMES!)
Alex: You saved us, daddy!
Danielle: Thank you, Ben. Perhaps you aren't so bad after all.
(Danielle and Ben make out.)
Michael: Aww man! You can forgive him but not me?
Danielle: Yes.
Michael: Fuck!
Sawyer: Well, let's go, Jack's found some scientist or something.
Michael: That's right, he knows the way off the island!
Ben: What!?
Sawyer: Oh what, you don't want us escaping, Palpatine?
Ben: That's not it at all! This scientist is NOT what he appears! We must go to the Orchid and warn your friends!
Claire: LET'S GO!
Michael: Can I come?
Everyone: NO.
Michael: Fuck it!
(Everyone laughs at Michael as he walks away on his own.)
Michael: If only...if only Walt was here.
(Suddenly, WALT appears in front of him! TALLER GHOST WALT, to be precise!)
Michael: WALT!
Walt: It is I, father.
Michael: You're taller...how did you get here!?
Walt: That is none of your concern. I come here with a message.
Michael: A what!?
Walt: A MESSAGE FROM THE FUTURE.
Michael: The...
Walt: In the future, Ana Lucia will try to talk you into killing yourself. You must not do it! You still have work to do.
Michael: This makes no sense...
Walt: Goodbye, father.
Michael: No, wait!
Walt: EMERGENCY TEMPORAL SHIFT.
Michael: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(The future. Michael is walking around the streets of New York.)
Michael: Have you see my boy? HAVE YOU SEEN MY BOY?
Asshole New Yorker: Hey, I'm walkin' here!
Michael: No one will help me find my boy! I should go up to the top of a tall building and look from there, get a better look...
(He goes up to a tall building.)
Michael: Damn it, still can't see him!
Voice: But you can see me.
(He turns round. It's Ana Lucia!)
Michael: You!
Ana Lucia: Hello, Michael!
Michael: Oh man! I haven't thought about you in years...
Ana Lucia: Oh, right, thanks a lot! You kill me but you never think about me! Too busy thinking about Libby, I take it?
Michael: Well, she was nice...and you were kind of a bitch.
Ana Lucia: I might have been the second most hated character on that island...but YOU were the most hated!
Michael: I don't have time to talk to ghost, I'm trying to find my boy!
Ana Lucia: SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE.
Michae: Fuck you!
Ana Lucia: You know why he ran away? Because you're such a bad father! You should just kill youself!
Michael: Maybe you're right...wait, I remember! In the past, on the island, Walt warned me you'd try and talk me into kill myself!
Ana Lucia: DO IT!
Michael: No way!
Ana Lucia: Then I'll have you kill you myself...
Michael: Yeah right, like a ghost could kill me...
(Ana Lucia pushes him off the building. Michael shouts as he falls.)
Michael: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!
(Ana Lucia takes out a phone.)
Ana Lucia: It is done.
(We see WIDMORE talking on the other end in an OFFICE.)
Widmore: Good. Then it is time for you and your fellow clones...to go BACK to the island!
LOST
Michael: Man I can't believe this shit, making me go off on some dangerous mission just because I killed two women a few months ago, nobody even remembers their names now anyway, this stinks, I hate Jack so much...
(SUDDENLY he sees the CAGE where Claire, Alex and Danielle are being held, with Sawyer and Karl standing outside trying to open it. Michael runs over.)
Michael: Hey buddy, what's going on?
Sawyer: I'm not your buddy, Lando.
Michael: Aww come on, man, you've proably killed more people than me!
Sawyer: My kills were morally ambiguous, at least. Yours were just evil!
Michael: How can I make it up?
Karl: Open this cage before the rest of the freighters come back!
Claire: Eww, I don't want him opening my cage.
Alex: Yeah, he's BLACK.
(Everyone stares at Alex.)
Alex: What...that's not why you all hate him?
Claire: He killed two women.
Alex: Oh...right...hehe...of course...
Danielle: Don't worry, I hate them too. You must get it from me.
(Danielle glows with motherly pride.)
Sawyer: What we need is for someone to melt the bars!
(Ben suddenly lands on the ground, still in his robot suit.)
Ben: Mind if I "drop in"?
Saywer: You bug-eyed bastard!
Ben: Hmm, trapped in a cage, eh? Let's see what I can do...
(Ben melts the bars with his FLAMES!)
Alex: You saved us, daddy!
Danielle: Thank you, Ben. Perhaps you aren't so bad after all.
(Danielle and Ben make out.)
Michael: Aww man! You can forgive him but not me?
Danielle: Yes.
Michael: Fuck!
Sawyer: Well, let's go, Jack's found some scientist or something.
Michael: That's right, he knows the way off the island!
Ben: What!?
Sawyer: Oh what, you don't want us escaping, Palpatine?
Ben: That's not it at all! This scientist is NOT what he appears! We must go to the Orchid and warn your friends!
Claire: LET'S GO!
Michael: Can I come?
Everyone: NO.
Michael: Fuck it!
(Everyone laughs at Michael as he walks away on his own.)
Michael: If only...if only Walt was here.
(Suddenly, WALT appears in front of him! TALLER GHOST WALT, to be precise!)
Michael: WALT!
Walt: It is I, father.
Michael: You're taller...how did you get here!?
Walt: That is none of your concern. I come here with a message.
Michael: A what!?
Walt: A MESSAGE FROM THE FUTURE.
Michael: The...
Walt: In the future, Ana Lucia will try to talk you into killing yourself. You must not do it! You still have work to do.
Michael: This makes no sense...
Walt: Goodbye, father.
Michael: No, wait!
Walt: EMERGENCY TEMPORAL SHIFT.
Michael: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(The future. Michael is walking around the streets of New York.)
Michael: Have you see my boy? HAVE YOU SEEN MY BOY?
Asshole New Yorker: Hey, I'm walkin' here!
Michael: No one will help me find my boy! I should go up to the top of a tall building and look from there, get a better look...
(He goes up to a tall building.)
Michael: Damn it, still can't see him!
Voice: But you can see me.
(He turns round. It's Ana Lucia!)
Michael: You!
Ana Lucia: Hello, Michael!
Michael: Oh man! I haven't thought about you in years...
Ana Lucia: Oh, right, thanks a lot! You kill me but you never think about me! Too busy thinking about Libby, I take it?
Michael: Well, she was nice...and you were kind of a bitch.
Ana Lucia: I might have been the second most hated character on that island...but YOU were the most hated!
Michael: I don't have time to talk to ghost, I'm trying to find my boy!
Ana Lucia: SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE.
Michae: Fuck you!
Ana Lucia: You know why he ran away? Because you're such a bad father! You should just kill youself!
Michael: Maybe you're right...wait, I remember! In the past, on the island, Walt warned me you'd try and talk me into kill myself!
Ana Lucia: DO IT!
Michael: No way!
Ana Lucia: Then I'll have you kill you myself...
Michael: Yeah right, like a ghost could kill me...
(Ana Lucia pushes him off the building. Michael shouts as he falls.)
Michael: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!
(Ana Lucia takes out a phone.)
Ana Lucia: It is done.
(We see WIDMORE talking on the other end in an OFFICE.)
Widmore: Good. Then it is time for you and your fellow clones...to go BACK to the island!
LOST
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
The season is nearly over. I'd guess about three more episode.
Then it'll be time for the DVD release.
Then it'll be time for the DVD release.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
WILL DO. And a director's commentary.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Daniel is teaching a class at Oxford.)
Daniel: Okay you SLACKERS, none of you FUCKING impress me! That's right, I swore! A professor who swears! Guess what else I do? I RIP UP MY PAPERS!
(He rips up his papers.)
Daniel: Those were important papers...and I just fucking ripped them up! I DON'T FUCKING CARE! I'll rip your heads off too if you don't do your coursework. But I want more than coursework! I want you all to think outside the box, man! Like I do. ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.
Student: What exactly do you do?
Daniel: I'm inventing time travel, okay?
(They all laugh.)
Daniel: I'm serious! GET OUT OF MY CLASS, NOW!
Student: The class was supposed to be over five minutes ago anyway!
Daniel: EXACTLY!
(They all leave as Daniel tries to stick his ripped up papers back together. Another student enters. She has red hair. It's Charlotte!)
Charlotte: Professor?
Daniel: WHAT DO YOU FREAKING WANT?
Charlotte: Umm...
Daniel: Are you one of my stundents?
Charlotte: No...
Daniel: Right, I'd remember someone as UGLY as you!
Charlotte: What!?
Daniel: Well, your body's okay...I supposed I could put a bag over your head...
Charlotte: I came here for help, not to be insulted
Daniel: Well you came to the wrong place then, bitch! GET OUT!
Charlotte: Professor Faraday, please, I need help finding an island...my real parents are there...
Daniel: DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE? Now get out, I've got students to shag on my desk.
(She leaves, crying.)
Daniel: HAHAHAHAHA!
Voice: You fool.
Daniel: Who said that!?
Voice: I DID.
(He looks down. It's Eloise the mouse!)
Daniel: No...you died years ago!
Eloise: I am dead. But I'm also here.
Daniel: What...how...umm...why...
Eloise: Remember when I died? There was a scottish guy in your lab?
Daniel: No...
Eloise: Damn it! Your experiments are already fucking with your memory!
Daniel: Wait...he needed a constant...he IS my constant...
Eloise: That's right! Desmond Hume!
Daniel: He said we were together in the future...on an...island! Hey, that redhead just said something about an island!
Eloise: Exactly! So call her back, numbnuts!
Daniel: But I'm so close to making my machine work! If I could just travel to the future...
Eloise: Don't do it...
Daniel: Just need to turn the power up...
Eloise: NO!
(Daniel turns on his time machine with the power up high...and disappears! Charlotte walks back in.)
Charlotte: Professor?
WHOOOOOOSH
(Daniel reappears in some kind of DHARMA STATION with most of the main characters. He is standing behind some controls. Miles is humping Alex. On the transporter pad stand Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sunn and Sayid. The Oceanic Six, minus one. They start to disappear.)
Charlotte: You did it!
Daniel: I...did it? Wait, we were just together...in the past!
Charlotte: What!?
Miles: Stop acting crazy and concentrate on the controls! And let me concentrate on Alex!
Locke: THIS IS AN ABOMINATION AGAINST THE ISLAND AND THE ISLAND WILL NOT STAND FOR IT...THE ISLAND!
Daniel: Urgh...my head...
(He passes out for a moment...and when he opens his eyes again there seems to be some kind of EXPLOSION!)
Sawyer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(He is back in Oxford with Charlotte.)
Charlotte: Professor?
Daniel: Umm...uhh...hi...
Charlotte: Are you okay?
Daniel: My, umm, mind is, uhh...fried. I can't, umm, speak right. And I feel...nicer.
Charlotte: Nicer?
Daniel: Yeah!
Charlotte: Jolly good!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(Back to the jungle, next to the Orchid/rock.)
Scientist: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jack: TELL US WHERE IT IS!
Locke: It's no good, Jack, can't you see? The island has made him go insane!
Kate: Fuck!
(Daniel turns to Charlotte.)
Daniel: I was just in the past! With you! The first day we, umm, met!
Charlotte: I remember. You were such a jerk before you fried your brain!
Daniel: Yeah...umm, sorry about that bag over the face remark...I'd shag you without it for sure.
Miles: BACK OFF.
Daniel: But you don't want her!
Miles: I don't want anyone else to have her either! OR ALEX.
Daniel: You only met Alex once!
Miles: Yeah, but I called dibs on her!
Charlotte: Daniel, what else did you see?
Daniel: I want...to the future! We find the Orchid! And it explodes!
Desmond: Did you say explodes, brother?
Daniel: Yes!
Desmond: That sounds right...tell me, did you see me?
Daniel: No...you weren't there. Neither were Juliet or Ben...
Miles: What about Alex?
Daniel: You were humping her.
Miles: SUH-WEET!
Desmond: When I saw the future...Ben shot me.
(Juliet and Sunn exchange a knowing look yet again.)
Daniel: You die?
Desmond: Aye.
Daniel: Do you know what this means?
Charlotte: What?
Daniel: I'm going to need to find a new constant!
LOST
Daniel: Okay you SLACKERS, none of you FUCKING impress me! That's right, I swore! A professor who swears! Guess what else I do? I RIP UP MY PAPERS!
(He rips up his papers.)
Daniel: Those were important papers...and I just fucking ripped them up! I DON'T FUCKING CARE! I'll rip your heads off too if you don't do your coursework. But I want more than coursework! I want you all to think outside the box, man! Like I do. ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.
Student: What exactly do you do?
Daniel: I'm inventing time travel, okay?
(They all laugh.)
Daniel: I'm serious! GET OUT OF MY CLASS, NOW!
Student: The class was supposed to be over five minutes ago anyway!
Daniel: EXACTLY!
(They all leave as Daniel tries to stick his ripped up papers back together. Another student enters. She has red hair. It's Charlotte!)
Charlotte: Professor?
Daniel: WHAT DO YOU FREAKING WANT?
Charlotte: Umm...
Daniel: Are you one of my stundents?
Charlotte: No...
Daniel: Right, I'd remember someone as UGLY as you!
Charlotte: What!?
Daniel: Well, your body's okay...I supposed I could put a bag over your head...
Charlotte: I came here for help, not to be insulted
Daniel: Well you came to the wrong place then, bitch! GET OUT!
Charlotte: Professor Faraday, please, I need help finding an island...my real parents are there...
Daniel: DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE? Now get out, I've got students to shag on my desk.
(She leaves, crying.)
Daniel: HAHAHAHAHA!
Voice: You fool.
Daniel: Who said that!?
Voice: I DID.
(He looks down. It's Eloise the mouse!)
Daniel: No...you died years ago!
Eloise: I am dead. But I'm also here.
Daniel: What...how...umm...why...
Eloise: Remember when I died? There was a scottish guy in your lab?
Daniel: No...
Eloise: Damn it! Your experiments are already fucking with your memory!
Daniel: Wait...he needed a constant...he IS my constant...
Eloise: That's right! Desmond Hume!
Daniel: He said we were together in the future...on an...island! Hey, that redhead just said something about an island!
Eloise: Exactly! So call her back, numbnuts!
Daniel: But I'm so close to making my machine work! If I could just travel to the future...
Eloise: Don't do it...
Daniel: Just need to turn the power up...
Eloise: NO!
(Daniel turns on his time machine with the power up high...and disappears! Charlotte walks back in.)
Charlotte: Professor?
WHOOOOOOSH
(Daniel reappears in some kind of DHARMA STATION with most of the main characters. He is standing behind some controls. Miles is humping Alex. On the transporter pad stand Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sunn and Sayid. The Oceanic Six, minus one. They start to disappear.)
Charlotte: You did it!
Daniel: I...did it? Wait, we were just together...in the past!
Charlotte: What!?
Miles: Stop acting crazy and concentrate on the controls! And let me concentrate on Alex!
Locke: THIS IS AN ABOMINATION AGAINST THE ISLAND AND THE ISLAND WILL NOT STAND FOR IT...THE ISLAND!
Daniel: Urgh...my head...
(He passes out for a moment...and when he opens his eyes again there seems to be some kind of EXPLOSION!)
Sawyer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(He is back in Oxford with Charlotte.)
Charlotte: Professor?
Daniel: Umm...uhh...hi...
Charlotte: Are you okay?
Daniel: My, umm, mind is, uhh...fried. I can't, umm, speak right. And I feel...nicer.
Charlotte: Nicer?
Daniel: Yeah!
Charlotte: Jolly good!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(Back to the jungle, next to the Orchid/rock.)
Scientist: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jack: TELL US WHERE IT IS!
Locke: It's no good, Jack, can't you see? The island has made him go insane!
Kate: Fuck!
(Daniel turns to Charlotte.)
Daniel: I was just in the past! With you! The first day we, umm, met!
Charlotte: I remember. You were such a jerk before you fried your brain!
Daniel: Yeah...umm, sorry about that bag over the face remark...I'd shag you without it for sure.
Miles: BACK OFF.
Daniel: But you don't want her!
Miles: I don't want anyone else to have her either! OR ALEX.
Daniel: You only met Alex once!
Miles: Yeah, but I called dibs on her!
Charlotte: Daniel, what else did you see?
Daniel: I want...to the future! We find the Orchid! And it explodes!
Desmond: Did you say explodes, brother?
Daniel: Yes!
Desmond: That sounds right...tell me, did you see me?
Daniel: No...you weren't there. Neither were Juliet or Ben...
Miles: What about Alex?
Daniel: You were humping her.
Miles: SUH-WEET!
Desmond: When I saw the future...Ben shot me.
(Juliet and Sunn exchange a knowing look yet again.)
Daniel: You die?
Desmond: Aye.
Daniel: Do you know what this means?
Charlotte: What?
Daniel: I'm going to need to find a new constant!
LOST
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Most of the characters are still standing at the rock.)
Scientist: AHAHAHAHA, AHAHAHAHA!
(Hurley smacks him in the face.)
Hurley: Stop laughing!
Scientist: Sorry!
(Hurley takes out some ranch dressing, spreads it on a leaf, and takes a lick.)
Jack: TELL US WHERE THE ORCHID IS!
Scientist: I can't remember! Ben reprogrammed me in Room 23 so that I'd just start laughing when I came here!
Locke: Another dead end! Oh well, let's go back to the Cabin and ask Jacob for His help...
Jack: NO!
Jin: We need to figure this out! Sunn shall die in childbirth if we don't get off this island!
Sunn: You are concerned about my health?
Jin: Of course I am, babe. I love you!
(Sunn looks a bit guilty. Juliet whispers too her.)
Juliet: Don't worry. You'll forget him quickly after we murder him.
Sunn: I suppose so.
Jack: WHERE IS THE ORCHID?
Miles: For fuck's sake, the rock is probably just covering up a hatch that leads into the Orchid!
Scientist: He's right! I remember now!
Jack: THEN WE JUST NEED TO LIFT THIS ROCK!
(Everyone but Hurley, who is spreading ranch dressing on his injured knee, tries to lift the rock.)
Kate: It's too heavy!
Locke: Ha! You'd need superhuman strenght to lift that! None of us has superhuman strength!
Ben: But I do.
(Ben, Sawyer, Claire, Daniellee, Alex and Karl are back!)
Jack: YOU!
Ben: I can lift your rock with my robot suit...if that's what you really want.
Sawyer: Son of a bitch, do it then!
Ben: But as I said...this scientist is not what he appears.
Scientist: That's right...
(He pulls his face off, it's just a rubber mask!)
Kate: It's can't be!
Desmond: Aye, it can!
(It's Mikhail!)
Mikhail: Hello, friends!
Desmond: But you died, brother!
Mikhail: Did I, Desmond? Or did I just swim away really quickly before the grenade went off, come back here, and, as punishment, was forced to dress up as a scientist and be kept prisoner by Ben?
Jack: Hmm, that explains it then.
Sawyer: But why!?
Ben: Because I don't want any of you to go. You're like a family to me! Especially Juliet.
(He licks his lips while staring at Juliet's tits.)
Juliet: Eww.
Claire: Wait...MY BAY-BEE!
(Claire storms over to Kate.)
Kate: He's mine!
Claire: HAND HIM OVER! I love him more!
Kate: No, I do!
Miles: How about we cut the baby in half and give one half to each of you?
Alex: Eww!
Miles: Only joking!
Alex: Oh...hehe.
Miles: I found this Orchid place, you know.
Alex: Really? Cool. You're quite cute.
Danielle: Alex, I thought you were racist like me!?
Alex: Only against blacks!
Danielle: THEN I DISOWN YOU!
Alex: Fine! I'll leave this island with Miles then!
Miles: GIGGITY!
Claire: Shut up! I want my baby!
Kate: No! Jack, tell her he's my baby!
Jack: Will you sleep with me if I do?
Kate: Yes!
Jack: THEN NO. YOU DISGUST ME KATE. YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN A WHORE.
Kate: Jack!
(Kate starts crying.)
Kate: You're right...you're all right about me...I really am as unlikable as possible. Claire, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You can have your baby back. You can have Erin.
Claire: I think it's called Aaron, actually.
Kate: Whatever!
(Kate hands Aaron over.)
Claire: Thank you.
Jack: SO ARE YOU GOING TO LIFT THIS ROCK OR NOT?
Ben: Are you all sure that's what you want?
Everyone except Locke: YES!
Ben: You REALLY want to go home?
Everyone: YES!
Ben: Well...okay then.
(He lifts the rock. Underneath is a hatch labelled "The Orchid".)
Sayid: I can't believe it...he actually did it.
Locke: THIS IS A MISTAKE...THE ISLAND...
(Desmond twists open the hatch. Everyone but Ben goes inside. Even Mikhail.)
Ben: Alone again...naturally.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(a YOUNG Ben is in a HOSPITAL on the ISLAND.)
Ben: Let me see her!
Roger(Ben's dad!): NO.
Ben: She's my girlfriend and she's having our baby!
Roger: Ben, go home!
Ben: RRRRARGH!
(Ben pushes past Roger and runs into the hospital room...where Annie is lying.)
Ben: Annie!
Annie: Ben...our baby...wasn't breathing...
Ben: Oh no!
Annie: Ben...I feel weak...don't think I can hold on...
Ben: Annie, NOOOO!
Annie: I love you...I love our baby...urgh....
(Annie DIES!)
Ben: NOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Roger walks in.)
Roger: It's for the best, son.
Ben: WHERE'S MY BABY?
Roger: I'm afraid she died too.
Ben: FUCK!
Roger: Yep!
Ben: FUCK!!!!!
(Ben storms out.)
Doctor: How come you told him the baby was dead? She's alive and well!
Roger: My son isn't fit to raise a baby. She will be sent to live in England...with the Lewis family.
Doctor: I heard they always wanted a girl of their own. And to name her Charlotte.
Roger: AND THEY SHALL HAVE IT AT LAST!
(Meanwhile, Ben goes storming up to the clubhouse. Tom is waiting.)
Tom: Where were you?
Ben: Annie just died!
Tom: Oh. Bummer. Guess we can play spin the bottle alone, then...
Ben: For God's sake Tom, we're both twenty!
Tom: I know...but it's fun!
Ben: I hate this island! I wish there was a way off!
(He storms away again, running through the jungle. Suddenly, he runs into Richard.)
Richard: A way off, you say?
Ben: YOU.
Richard: Hello again.
Ben: You haven't aged a day!
Richard: I'm a vampire! BLAH!
Ben: No you're not!
Richard: No, I'm not. There are some things I can't explain yet. But I can tell you about the Orchid...it's underneath this rock.
Ben: I could use it to leave...become rich in the real world!
Richard: Ah, but then you would have no friends!
Ben: Who needs friends when you've got money!
Richard: One day you might think differently. One day you might drive everyone you love off this island through this hatch with your lies and deception.
Ben: Doubt it!
LOST
Scientist: AHAHAHAHA, AHAHAHAHA!
(Hurley smacks him in the face.)
Hurley: Stop laughing!
Scientist: Sorry!
(Hurley takes out some ranch dressing, spreads it on a leaf, and takes a lick.)
Jack: TELL US WHERE THE ORCHID IS!
Scientist: I can't remember! Ben reprogrammed me in Room 23 so that I'd just start laughing when I came here!
Locke: Another dead end! Oh well, let's go back to the Cabin and ask Jacob for His help...
Jack: NO!
Jin: We need to figure this out! Sunn shall die in childbirth if we don't get off this island!
Sunn: You are concerned about my health?
Jin: Of course I am, babe. I love you!
(Sunn looks a bit guilty. Juliet whispers too her.)
Juliet: Don't worry. You'll forget him quickly after we murder him.
Sunn: I suppose so.
Jack: WHERE IS THE ORCHID?
Miles: For fuck's sake, the rock is probably just covering up a hatch that leads into the Orchid!
Scientist: He's right! I remember now!
Jack: THEN WE JUST NEED TO LIFT THIS ROCK!
(Everyone but Hurley, who is spreading ranch dressing on his injured knee, tries to lift the rock.)
Kate: It's too heavy!
Locke: Ha! You'd need superhuman strenght to lift that! None of us has superhuman strength!
Ben: But I do.
(Ben, Sawyer, Claire, Daniellee, Alex and Karl are back!)
Jack: YOU!
Ben: I can lift your rock with my robot suit...if that's what you really want.
Sawyer: Son of a bitch, do it then!
Ben: But as I said...this scientist is not what he appears.
Scientist: That's right...
(He pulls his face off, it's just a rubber mask!)
Kate: It's can't be!
Desmond: Aye, it can!
(It's Mikhail!)
Mikhail: Hello, friends!
Desmond: But you died, brother!
Mikhail: Did I, Desmond? Or did I just swim away really quickly before the grenade went off, come back here, and, as punishment, was forced to dress up as a scientist and be kept prisoner by Ben?
Jack: Hmm, that explains it then.
Sawyer: But why!?
Ben: Because I don't want any of you to go. You're like a family to me! Especially Juliet.
(He licks his lips while staring at Juliet's tits.)
Juliet: Eww.
Claire: Wait...MY BAY-BEE!
(Claire storms over to Kate.)
Kate: He's mine!
Claire: HAND HIM OVER! I love him more!
Kate: No, I do!
Miles: How about we cut the baby in half and give one half to each of you?
Alex: Eww!
Miles: Only joking!
Alex: Oh...hehe.
Miles: I found this Orchid place, you know.
Alex: Really? Cool. You're quite cute.
Danielle: Alex, I thought you were racist like me!?
Alex: Only against blacks!
Danielle: THEN I DISOWN YOU!
Alex: Fine! I'll leave this island with Miles then!
Miles: GIGGITY!
Claire: Shut up! I want my baby!
Kate: No! Jack, tell her he's my baby!
Jack: Will you sleep with me if I do?
Kate: Yes!
Jack: THEN NO. YOU DISGUST ME KATE. YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN A WHORE.
Kate: Jack!
(Kate starts crying.)
Kate: You're right...you're all right about me...I really am as unlikable as possible. Claire, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You can have your baby back. You can have Erin.
Claire: I think it's called Aaron, actually.
Kate: Whatever!
(Kate hands Aaron over.)
Claire: Thank you.
Jack: SO ARE YOU GOING TO LIFT THIS ROCK OR NOT?
Ben: Are you all sure that's what you want?
Everyone except Locke: YES!
Ben: You REALLY want to go home?
Everyone: YES!
Ben: Well...okay then.
(He lifts the rock. Underneath is a hatch labelled "The Orchid".)
Sayid: I can't believe it...he actually did it.
Locke: THIS IS A MISTAKE...THE ISLAND...
(Desmond twists open the hatch. Everyone but Ben goes inside. Even Mikhail.)
Ben: Alone again...naturally.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(a YOUNG Ben is in a HOSPITAL on the ISLAND.)
Ben: Let me see her!
Roger(Ben's dad!): NO.
Ben: She's my girlfriend and she's having our baby!
Roger: Ben, go home!
Ben: RRRRARGH!
(Ben pushes past Roger and runs into the hospital room...where Annie is lying.)
Ben: Annie!
Annie: Ben...our baby...wasn't breathing...
Ben: Oh no!
Annie: Ben...I feel weak...don't think I can hold on...
Ben: Annie, NOOOO!
Annie: I love you...I love our baby...urgh....
(Annie DIES!)
Ben: NOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Roger walks in.)
Roger: It's for the best, son.
Ben: WHERE'S MY BABY?
Roger: I'm afraid she died too.
Ben: FUCK!
Roger: Yep!
Ben: FUCK!!!!!
(Ben storms out.)
Doctor: How come you told him the baby was dead? She's alive and well!
Roger: My son isn't fit to raise a baby. She will be sent to live in England...with the Lewis family.
Doctor: I heard they always wanted a girl of their own. And to name her Charlotte.
Roger: AND THEY SHALL HAVE IT AT LAST!
(Meanwhile, Ben goes storming up to the clubhouse. Tom is waiting.)
Tom: Where were you?
Ben: Annie just died!
Tom: Oh. Bummer. Guess we can play spin the bottle alone, then...
Ben: For God's sake Tom, we're both twenty!
Tom: I know...but it's fun!
Ben: I hate this island! I wish there was a way off!
(He storms away again, running through the jungle. Suddenly, he runs into Richard.)
Richard: A way off, you say?
Ben: YOU.
Richard: Hello again.
Ben: You haven't aged a day!
Richard: I'm a vampire! BLAH!
Ben: No you're not!
Richard: No, I'm not. There are some things I can't explain yet. But I can tell you about the Orchid...it's underneath this rock.
Ben: I could use it to leave...become rich in the real world!
Richard: Ah, but then you would have no friends!
Ben: Who needs friends when you've got money!
Richard: One day you might think differently. One day you might drive everyone you love off this island through this hatch with your lies and deception.
Ben: Doubt it!
LOST
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
There are three more to go, with flashbacks/forward for the following characters: Desmond, Kate and finally Jack (as is tradition!) AND THERE WILL BE ANSWERS.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Everyone is inside the Orchid. It looks a lot like a transporter room.)
Daniel: I think I can, umm, do it...get us home.
Jack: THEN DO IT.
Daniel: Not so, umm, fast. The transporter can only take six people at a time.
(Sayid walks over to the transporter pad and stands on it.)
Sayid: Well, I'm going then.
Jack: WHY YOU?
Sayid: Because I'm already standing on the pad!
Jack: Oh.
Kate: I want to go too! To face the music for my crimes.
Jack: I'll come to hold your hand. And Hurley should go too...his knee needs serious medical attention.
Hurley: And I'm running out of ranch dressing!
Daniel: Okay, but Hurley counts as two people...that only leaves room for one.
Jin: Then it should be Sunn. She is pregnant.
Sunn: Jin, no...
Jin: I'll be right after you on the next trip, babe.
Jack: SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
(Juliet runs out of the Orchid, crying.)
Desmond: I'll go ater her, brothers!
(Desmond runs out into the jungle.)
Desmond: JULIET? WHERE ARE YOU, LASS?
(SUDDENLY Desmond holds his head in pain.)
Desmond: Ach no, not again!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(The future. Inside a church. Desmond is wearing a suit. Jack, Hurley and Sunn are there, all smiling. And here comes the bride...it's Juliet! She is wearing a wedding dress which of course shows a lot of cleavage.)
Desmond: This is the happiest day of my life!
(Juliet gives a look to Sunn as she walks down the aisle. SUDDENLY a bunch of ASIAN ASSASSINS jump out and start shooting everyone!)
Desmond: No, NOOO! DON'T HURT MY JULIET!
(Desmond jumps in front of Juliet...and is shot sixteen times. Juliet looks at Sunn...and smiles.)
WHOOOOOOOOOOSH
(Back to the jungle. Desmond is in pain.)
Desmond: Have to hold on...Juliet...I love you...
(A man is standing in the shadows with a gun. It's Ben!)
WHOOOOOOOOOSH
(Desmond is now on a space shuttle, even further forward in the future. He has a long white beard. Also on the shuttle are SAYID and BEN, also with long white beards.)
Ben: It is time.
Sayid: Yes, master.
Desmond: Time for what, brothers?
Ben: Time to nuke the whole planet! DO IT, SAYID!
Sayid: By your command.
Desmond: NOOOOOOOOOO!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(Back to the past. BEN steps out of the shadows.)
Desmond: YOU!
Ben: Hello, Desmond.
Desmond: I saw you, brother. In the future...we were on a space shuttle. You nuked the whole planet!
Ben: Really? Sounds a tad extreme. Still, I'm sure I had a good reason.
Desmond: And I saw something else! Before...you shot me! In fact...you shoot me now!
(Ben points a gun at him.)
Ben: If you say so...
Desmond: But wait, brother! I also saw myself in the future, after this, getting married to Juliet! And I died there too! But I was still alive, even further in the future, on the space shuttle! How is that possible, if I die here?
Ben: Hmm...maybe what you saw...were only possible futures.
Desmond: Aye?
Ben: Aye. Maybe if I let you live...you'll marry Juliet. And then, eventually, you'll be on a space shuttle with me...nuking the planet.
Desmond: Aye...why would I have been on the shuttle at all if it wasn't the right thing to do? Maybe...maybe you're not so evil after all, brother.
Ben: Thanks! We write our own future, Desmond.
Desmond: So you won't shoot me?
Ben: No. You can go home.
Desmond: I can't believe I'm going home! And don't worry, I won't tell anyone about what I saw when I jumped to the future.
(The man steps out of the shadows. It's Ben!)
Ben: I know you won't.
(Ben pulls the trigger...and shoots Desmond, just as he did in Desmond's flashforward. Ben sneers.)
Ben: Sorry, brother!
(Juliet steps out of the shadows.)
Juliet: You killed him! Even after you said you wouldn't! Why!?
Ben: It wasn't to stop him tellng about what he saw.
Juliet: THEN WHY?
Ben: Can't you see? After all this time? He married you! In the future! I can't allow that...BECAUSE YOU'RE MINNNNNE!
(Ben walks away, laughing evily. Juliet leans over Desmond's body, showing plenty of breastage.)
Juliet: I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve to die because of me.
Desmond: Lucky I didn't then, isn't it!
(Desmond sits up, alive and well! Juliet recoils in shock.)
Juliet: But how!?
Desmond: Remember, I saw the future, I saw Ben shooting me...I saw EXACTLY where Ben would shoot me.
(He reaches into his shirt and pulls out a SMALL PIECE OF METAL with a bullet in it.)
Desmond: I put this small piece of metal in the exact place where Ben shot me!
Juliet: You...you...
Desmond: Pretty smart, eh? Now give me a big kiss!
(Juliet pulls out a gun and shoots Desmond in the face. She checks his pulse. HE IS DEAD.)
Juliet: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You have to die, so Sunn and I can be together.
(Juliet coldly walks away from Desmond's corpse, back towards the Orchid...when SUDDNELY there is an EXPLOSION from the Orchid! SMOKE comes billowing out.)
Juliet: NO! IT BLEW UP...SUNN!
(Someone taps Juliet on the shoulder. She spins round.)
Juliet: What...no...IT CAN'T BE!
(It's Desmond!)
Desmond: Hello, my love. So, it was all about Sunn...I'll remember that...
Juliet: But...but...HOW?
Desmond: You shouldnae be asking yourself how, sister. You should be asking...WHEN.
(Desmond punches Juliet unconcious and takes out a walkie talkie.)
Desmond: Phase one is completed...father.
Voice on the phone: Good....goooood.
LOST
Daniel: I think I can, umm, do it...get us home.
Jack: THEN DO IT.
Daniel: Not so, umm, fast. The transporter can only take six people at a time.
(Sayid walks over to the transporter pad and stands on it.)
Sayid: Well, I'm going then.
Jack: WHY YOU?
Sayid: Because I'm already standing on the pad!
Jack: Oh.
Kate: I want to go too! To face the music for my crimes.
Jack: I'll come to hold your hand. And Hurley should go too...his knee needs serious medical attention.
Hurley: And I'm running out of ranch dressing!
Daniel: Okay, but Hurley counts as two people...that only leaves room for one.
Jin: Then it should be Sunn. She is pregnant.
Sunn: Jin, no...
Jin: I'll be right after you on the next trip, babe.
Jack: SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
(Juliet runs out of the Orchid, crying.)
Desmond: I'll go ater her, brothers!
(Desmond runs out into the jungle.)
Desmond: JULIET? WHERE ARE YOU, LASS?
(SUDDENLY Desmond holds his head in pain.)
Desmond: Ach no, not again!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(The future. Inside a church. Desmond is wearing a suit. Jack, Hurley and Sunn are there, all smiling. And here comes the bride...it's Juliet! She is wearing a wedding dress which of course shows a lot of cleavage.)
Desmond: This is the happiest day of my life!
(Juliet gives a look to Sunn as she walks down the aisle. SUDDENLY a bunch of ASIAN ASSASSINS jump out and start shooting everyone!)
Desmond: No, NOOO! DON'T HURT MY JULIET!
(Desmond jumps in front of Juliet...and is shot sixteen times. Juliet looks at Sunn...and smiles.)
WHOOOOOOOOOOSH
(Back to the jungle. Desmond is in pain.)
Desmond: Have to hold on...Juliet...I love you...
(A man is standing in the shadows with a gun. It's Ben!)
WHOOOOOOOOOSH
(Desmond is now on a space shuttle, even further forward in the future. He has a long white beard. Also on the shuttle are SAYID and BEN, also with long white beards.)
Ben: It is time.
Sayid: Yes, master.
Desmond: Time for what, brothers?
Ben: Time to nuke the whole planet! DO IT, SAYID!
Sayid: By your command.
Desmond: NOOOOOOOOOO!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(Back to the past. BEN steps out of the shadows.)
Desmond: YOU!
Ben: Hello, Desmond.
Desmond: I saw you, brother. In the future...we were on a space shuttle. You nuked the whole planet!
Ben: Really? Sounds a tad extreme. Still, I'm sure I had a good reason.
Desmond: And I saw something else! Before...you shot me! In fact...you shoot me now!
(Ben points a gun at him.)
Ben: If you say so...
Desmond: But wait, brother! I also saw myself in the future, after this, getting married to Juliet! And I died there too! But I was still alive, even further in the future, on the space shuttle! How is that possible, if I die here?
Ben: Hmm...maybe what you saw...were only possible futures.
Desmond: Aye?
Ben: Aye. Maybe if I let you live...you'll marry Juliet. And then, eventually, you'll be on a space shuttle with me...nuking the planet.
Desmond: Aye...why would I have been on the shuttle at all if it wasn't the right thing to do? Maybe...maybe you're not so evil after all, brother.
Ben: Thanks! We write our own future, Desmond.
Desmond: So you won't shoot me?
Ben: No. You can go home.
Desmond: I can't believe I'm going home! And don't worry, I won't tell anyone about what I saw when I jumped to the future.
(The man steps out of the shadows. It's Ben!)
Ben: I know you won't.
(Ben pulls the trigger...and shoots Desmond, just as he did in Desmond's flashforward. Ben sneers.)
Ben: Sorry, brother!
(Juliet steps out of the shadows.)
Juliet: You killed him! Even after you said you wouldn't! Why!?
Ben: It wasn't to stop him tellng about what he saw.
Juliet: THEN WHY?
Ben: Can't you see? After all this time? He married you! In the future! I can't allow that...BECAUSE YOU'RE MINNNNNE!
(Ben walks away, laughing evily. Juliet leans over Desmond's body, showing plenty of breastage.)
Juliet: I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve to die because of me.
Desmond: Lucky I didn't then, isn't it!
(Desmond sits up, alive and well! Juliet recoils in shock.)
Juliet: But how!?
Desmond: Remember, I saw the future, I saw Ben shooting me...I saw EXACTLY where Ben would shoot me.
(He reaches into his shirt and pulls out a SMALL PIECE OF METAL with a bullet in it.)
Desmond: I put this small piece of metal in the exact place where Ben shot me!
Juliet: You...you...
Desmond: Pretty smart, eh? Now give me a big kiss!
(Juliet pulls out a gun and shoots Desmond in the face. She checks his pulse. HE IS DEAD.)
Juliet: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You have to die, so Sunn and I can be together.
(Juliet coldly walks away from Desmond's corpse, back towards the Orchid...when SUDDNELY there is an EXPLOSION from the Orchid! SMOKE comes billowing out.)
Juliet: NO! IT BLEW UP...SUNN!
(Someone taps Juliet on the shoulder. She spins round.)
Juliet: What...no...IT CAN'T BE!
(It's Desmond!)
Desmond: Hello, my love. So, it was all about Sunn...I'll remember that...
Juliet: But...but...HOW?
Desmond: You shouldnae be asking yourself how, sister. You should be asking...WHEN.
(Desmond punches Juliet unconcious and takes out a walkie talkie.)
Desmond: Phase one is completed...father.
Voice on the phone: Good....goooood.
LOST
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Inside the Orchid. Just after Desmond has run out after Juliet.)
Sayid: I hope nothing happens to them.
Kate: Ah who cares! Hurry up and get this thing working, Danny. Or whatever the fuck your name is.
Daniel: I, umm, it'll just be a minute...this is, uhh, all very familiar...
Claire: Goodbye, Kate. Thanks for giving me back Aaron.
(Kate smirks.)
Kate: Sure...sure...
Sawyer: Maybe you're going to need someone to help you raise that baby...
Claire: Maybe I will...I think you'd make a great dad...
Kate: What!?
Sawyer: What? You had your chance, freckles. Now it's the aussie's turn.
Claire: You spiggin' hufter!
Sawyer: ...yeah!
Kate: GRR...
Jack: MAYBE WE CAN HAVE SEX. WHEN WE GET HOME.
Kate: No.
Jack: ARE YOU SURE?
Kate: No unless you've got something I need.
Jack: Cool!
Jin: Everyone's getting laid! Even my new half brother Miles is getting built into Alex!
Miles: I am not!
Alex: Yeah, we're just chatting.
Miles: Yeah...so, like I was saying, it's been great on this island...except for one thing...
Alex: What's that, Milesy?
Miles: I haven't seen a ghost!
Alex: Ghosts are scary!
Miles: Yeah, but I'm a ghost reader! It's my job to read ghosts! It's so disappointing not to have see one!
Alex: Aww!
Miles: There's only one thing that could possibly make up for it...
Alex: What's that?
Miles: I shouldn't say...
Alex: Go on!
Miles: Well, it's my second favourite thing in the world, after ghosts. Having sex with a hot woman. If I got to do that on this island, that would make up for not reading a ghost.
Alex: Hmm...how about Charlotte?
Miles: PFFFT! I mean, she's hotter than Sunn, sure, but meh...no, I'm looking for someone as hot as, say Claire...but she's with Sawyer...so let's say YOU.
Alex: Me?! You really think I'm hot?
Miles: Sure!
Alex: Then I'll do it! I'll sex your brains out!
Miles: Giggity-goo!
Karl: Umm, I'm still here, you know.
Miles: Not for long.
Karl: What do you mean?
Miles: You're a ghost, Karl. You were shot by the freighter people a while ago and died. You just don't know it yet...but now that you do...you'll go bye-bye!
Karl: NO! ALEX!
Alex: Bye, Karl! So hi to Jacob for me!
(Karl DISAPPEARS, he was a ghost all along!)
Miles: So about that great sex...
Alex: Okay, let me get mhy panties off...hey, wait a minute, you just talked to a ghost, Karl! So you don't need to have sex now!
Miles: ...damn it!
Sayid: Hurry up and get this transporter working, Daniel! I can't stand anymore of this shipper crap!
Charlotte: You just let THE MAN I LOVE work at his own speed!
Daniel: You mean it? You love me?
Charlotte: Yes!
Daniel: I love you too!
Sayid: AAARGH!
Locke: THIS IS A MISTAKE. THE ISLAND JUST TOLD ME THIS IS A MISTAKE!
Sunn: Oh shut up, John!
Locke: GRRR, ARGH!
(Locke smashes his fists down on the control console. SUDDENLY, lights come on!)
Daniel: Uhh...
(He presses some buttons and the Oceanic Six start to disappear.)
Charlotte: You did it!
Daniel: I...did it? Wait, we were just together...in the past!
Charlotte: What!?
Miles: Stop acting crazy and concentrate on the controls! And let me concentrate on Alex!
Locke: THIS IS AN ABOMINATION AGAINST THE ISLAND AND THE ISLAND WILL NOT STAND FOR IT...THE ISLAND!
Daniel: Urgh...my head...
(Daniel faints.)
Sayid: Meh, we don't need him anymore anyway!
(Sayid disappears slowly. Hurley follows.)
Hurley: Wow, this transporter is really slimming!
(Sunn goes next.)
Sunn: Juliet? Where are you? I WANT TO SEE YOU, ONE LAST TIME, MY LOVE!?
Jin: I'm right here, babe!
Sunn: FUCKING MAN...
(Jack goes next.)
Jack: MESSA GOIN' HOME!
(And finally Kate starts to disappear.)
Claire: Aaron, wave bye-bye to the crazy woman who tried to steal you...hmm, Aaron, you seem very...METAL!?
Sawyer: What!?
Claire: This is a fake Aaron!
(Kate smiles evily and reaches into her bra...AND PULLS OUT THE REAL AARON!)
Kate: Wave bye-bye, Aaron! Aussie mommy's about to go boom!
Charlotte: The fake Aaron is ticking!
Jinn: SHE SET US UP THE BOMB!
Locke: IT'S THE ISLAND, PUNISHING US!
Sawyer: Son of a...
(Daniel wakes up...just as the fake Aaron EXPLODES.)
Sawyer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Flames engulf the entire room.)
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(Back to when Kate went into Harper's house. REMEMBER THAT?)
Kate: Give me Aaron!
Harper: Only if you promise to do something for me.
Kate: What? NAME IT!
Harper: Blow up all your friends.
Kate: Okay.
Harper: ...really? You've got no problem with thaT?
Kate: Nope! I've blown up people before.
Harper: Oh yeah, your abusive father.
Kate: Nah, he wasn't abusive. Just annoying. So I killed him. HAHAHAHA!
Harper: God you're sexy.
(Harper and Kate make out.)
Kate: So why are you doing this?
Harper: You must kill them before they leave the island. If anyone gets off this island, they'll send people here and exploit it! Kick me out...and I'll lose the fountain of youth! Yes, it's just like Star Trek: Insurrection!
Kate: You don't look so young.
Harper: I'm nine hundred and seven!
Kate: Oh. That is old.
Harper: Yeah, so that's why. Plus I hate Juliet. And her fucking huge tits.
Kate: I hate her too!
(Harper hands over the real Aaron and the BOMB AARON to Kate.)
Harper: Use the bomb Aaron when you have the chance...make the switch.
Kate: How come you had a bomb Aaron made?
Harper: Ben prepare for all possibilities.
Kate: Oh, Ben's behind this?
Harper: No, he just had a bomb Aaron made. I stole it from him.
Kate: Oh.
Harper: Yeah. Okay, you can go. And don't worry, if anything goes wrong I won't tell anyone what you tried to do.
(Kate pulls out a gun and shoots Harper in the face, without showing any emotion.)
Kate: No, you won't.
(She picks up both Aarons and leaves.)
Kate: Guys! Over here! I'm back! And I have a feeling things are about to get...EXPLOSIVE!
LOST
Sayid: I hope nothing happens to them.
Kate: Ah who cares! Hurry up and get this thing working, Danny. Or whatever the fuck your name is.
Daniel: I, umm, it'll just be a minute...this is, uhh, all very familiar...
Claire: Goodbye, Kate. Thanks for giving me back Aaron.
(Kate smirks.)
Kate: Sure...sure...
Sawyer: Maybe you're going to need someone to help you raise that baby...
Claire: Maybe I will...I think you'd make a great dad...
Kate: What!?
Sawyer: What? You had your chance, freckles. Now it's the aussie's turn.
Claire: You spiggin' hufter!
Sawyer: ...yeah!
Kate: GRR...
Jack: MAYBE WE CAN HAVE SEX. WHEN WE GET HOME.
Kate: No.
Jack: ARE YOU SURE?
Kate: No unless you've got something I need.
Jack: Cool!
Jin: Everyone's getting laid! Even my new half brother Miles is getting built into Alex!
Miles: I am not!
Alex: Yeah, we're just chatting.
Miles: Yeah...so, like I was saying, it's been great on this island...except for one thing...
Alex: What's that, Milesy?
Miles: I haven't seen a ghost!
Alex: Ghosts are scary!
Miles: Yeah, but I'm a ghost reader! It's my job to read ghosts! It's so disappointing not to have see one!
Alex: Aww!
Miles: There's only one thing that could possibly make up for it...
Alex: What's that?
Miles: I shouldn't say...
Alex: Go on!
Miles: Well, it's my second favourite thing in the world, after ghosts. Having sex with a hot woman. If I got to do that on this island, that would make up for not reading a ghost.
Alex: Hmm...how about Charlotte?
Miles: PFFFT! I mean, she's hotter than Sunn, sure, but meh...no, I'm looking for someone as hot as, say Claire...but she's with Sawyer...so let's say YOU.
Alex: Me?! You really think I'm hot?
Miles: Sure!
Alex: Then I'll do it! I'll sex your brains out!
Miles: Giggity-goo!
Karl: Umm, I'm still here, you know.
Miles: Not for long.
Karl: What do you mean?
Miles: You're a ghost, Karl. You were shot by the freighter people a while ago and died. You just don't know it yet...but now that you do...you'll go bye-bye!
Karl: NO! ALEX!
Alex: Bye, Karl! So hi to Jacob for me!
(Karl DISAPPEARS, he was a ghost all along!)
Miles: So about that great sex...
Alex: Okay, let me get mhy panties off...hey, wait a minute, you just talked to a ghost, Karl! So you don't need to have sex now!
Miles: ...damn it!
Sayid: Hurry up and get this transporter working, Daniel! I can't stand anymore of this shipper crap!
Charlotte: You just let THE MAN I LOVE work at his own speed!
Daniel: You mean it? You love me?
Charlotte: Yes!
Daniel: I love you too!
Sayid: AAARGH!
Locke: THIS IS A MISTAKE. THE ISLAND JUST TOLD ME THIS IS A MISTAKE!
Sunn: Oh shut up, John!
Locke: GRRR, ARGH!
(Locke smashes his fists down on the control console. SUDDENLY, lights come on!)
Daniel: Uhh...
(He presses some buttons and the Oceanic Six start to disappear.)
Charlotte: You did it!
Daniel: I...did it? Wait, we were just together...in the past!
Charlotte: What!?
Miles: Stop acting crazy and concentrate on the controls! And let me concentrate on Alex!
Locke: THIS IS AN ABOMINATION AGAINST THE ISLAND AND THE ISLAND WILL NOT STAND FOR IT...THE ISLAND!
Daniel: Urgh...my head...
(Daniel faints.)
Sayid: Meh, we don't need him anymore anyway!
(Sayid disappears slowly. Hurley follows.)
Hurley: Wow, this transporter is really slimming!
(Sunn goes next.)
Sunn: Juliet? Where are you? I WANT TO SEE YOU, ONE LAST TIME, MY LOVE!?
Jin: I'm right here, babe!
Sunn: FUCKING MAN...
(Jack goes next.)
Jack: MESSA GOIN' HOME!
(And finally Kate starts to disappear.)
Claire: Aaron, wave bye-bye to the crazy woman who tried to steal you...hmm, Aaron, you seem very...METAL!?
Sawyer: What!?
Claire: This is a fake Aaron!
(Kate smiles evily and reaches into her bra...AND PULLS OUT THE REAL AARON!)
Kate: Wave bye-bye, Aaron! Aussie mommy's about to go boom!
Charlotte: The fake Aaron is ticking!
Jinn: SHE SET US UP THE BOMB!
Locke: IT'S THE ISLAND, PUNISHING US!
Sawyer: Son of a...
(Daniel wakes up...just as the fake Aaron EXPLODES.)
Sawyer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Flames engulf the entire room.)
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
(Back to when Kate went into Harper's house. REMEMBER THAT?)
Kate: Give me Aaron!
Harper: Only if you promise to do something for me.
Kate: What? NAME IT!
Harper: Blow up all your friends.
Kate: Okay.
Harper: ...really? You've got no problem with thaT?
Kate: Nope! I've blown up people before.
Harper: Oh yeah, your abusive father.
Kate: Nah, he wasn't abusive. Just annoying. So I killed him. HAHAHAHA!
Harper: God you're sexy.
(Harper and Kate make out.)
Kate: So why are you doing this?
Harper: You must kill them before they leave the island. If anyone gets off this island, they'll send people here and exploit it! Kick me out...and I'll lose the fountain of youth! Yes, it's just like Star Trek: Insurrection!
Kate: You don't look so young.
Harper: I'm nine hundred and seven!
Kate: Oh. That is old.
Harper: Yeah, so that's why. Plus I hate Juliet. And her fucking huge tits.
Kate: I hate her too!
(Harper hands over the real Aaron and the BOMB AARON to Kate.)
Harper: Use the bomb Aaron when you have the chance...make the switch.
Kate: How come you had a bomb Aaron made?
Harper: Ben prepare for all possibilities.
Kate: Oh, Ben's behind this?
Harper: No, he just had a bomb Aaron made. I stole it from him.
Kate: Oh.
Harper: Yeah. Okay, you can go. And don't worry, if anything goes wrong I won't tell anyone what you tried to do.
(Kate pulls out a gun and shoots Harper in the face, without showing any emotion.)
Kate: No, you won't.
(She picks up both Aarons and leaves.)
Kate: Guys! Over here! I'm back! And I have a feeling things are about to get...EXPLOSIVE!
LOST
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
That would have been the finale, but the network gave me an extra hour!
I forgot to have Alex poke Miles in the eye when he started humping her.
I forgot to have Alex poke Miles in the eye when he started humping her.