Gems from Twitter

[CaptainWacky]

Will face lube make girls love me.

 

[Cassie]

Combined with Axe body spray you would become irresistible.

 

[Cassie]

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump 3h3 hours ago

I would like to wish everyone, including all haters and losers (of which, sadly, there are many) a truly happy and enjoyable Memorial Day!
633 retweets 758 favorites

 

[Dr Dave]

Such a nice guy that Trump...

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

 

[CaptainWacky]

 

[Cassie]

Dad(dy) ‏@ILLCapitano94 59m59 minutes ago

"Okay so around here you have the Bop it. around here....the pull it....now....where's that damn flick it." -Ted Cruz

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

FOOKIN LUV THAT GAME I DIDNT KNOW THEY MARKETED A VAGINAL VERSION RAWR

 

[Cassie]

Well, you know someone has surely used one as a sexual aid.

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

The toy might as well be renamed "Substitute Penis".

 

[Cassie]

Frank Thorp V ‏@frankthorpNBC 2h2 hours ago

This, from the indictment against former House Speaker Denny Hastert, is really wild:

 

[Cassie]

Isaiah T. Taylor ‏@Bboy_Izilla 49m49 minutes ago

"You have to understand, this almost never happens to me."

 

[CaptainWacky]

The penis mighter than the sword. (I don't know.)

 

[Cassie]

New York Daily NewsVerified account
‏@NYDailyNews

Aurora shooter James Holmes loved comedies like 'Arrested Development' and 'Big Bang Theory' http://nydn.us/1FJKeOc


I BET HE LIKED KITTENS AND ICE CREAM TOO, FUCK.

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

THE FROZEN BANANA STAND IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL.

 

[Cassie]

Portland OR Alerts ‏@pdxalerts May 30

Portland - Police responding to 3rd and Oak - report of two males physically fighting - one male armed himself with a sword -2

Portland OR Alerts ‏@pdxalerts May 28

Portland - police responding to the McDonalds on NE Weidler - report of a male and female having sex on the sidewalk out front- 2

Portland OR Alerts ‏@pdxalerts May 23

Portland-Police responding to Parkrose Transit Center - report of a male running around with his pants off, he says "there is a bug in them"

Portland OR Alerts ‏@pdxalerts May 21

Portland-Police responding to Sally Beauty Supply (40th) report of a man laying in front of the store masturbating and causing a disturbance

PORTLAND!

 

[Dr Dave]

They say to "Keep Portland Weird"...

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

I think I really would like to live there.

 

[Cassie]

Florida Man ‏@_FloridaMan 2h2 hours ago

Florida Man Says He Danced on Patrol Car in Order to Escape Vampires Florida man caught on video dancing atop deputy's cruiser | News - Home …

 

[CaptainWacky]

I'm offended that Big Bang Theory and Arrested Development would be list as similar comedies.