Loktar
Pinata Whacker
What if they actually decide to include him in the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special?
Troll Kingdom
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I will MURDER a Mine Fielder at midnight EVERY NIGHT until Christmas
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
What if they actually decide to include him in the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special?
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Jethro was sitting behind the chessboard, almost like he had been waiting for me.
"What kept you?" he asked. He didn't smile, he didn't look angry. He just looked through me. I felt guilty for the first time. I felt shame.
"Do you...do you want to finish our game?" I asked, looking down at the chessboard. We'd been playing by Private Message for months.
"No," said Jethro, briefly glancing at the board. "I win." I looked at it too. I didn't see what he meant.
"No, I win," I said, pulling out my knife. I knew what I had to do. "I ALWAYS WINS."
"If you say so," said Jethro. He did not move as I lunged towards him.
Afterwards, I looked at the chessboard again. I was alarmed to disover that Jethro had indeed captured my queen. How had the pieces moved, after his death? Was I going insane?
I got out of there quickly. I crossed Jethro off my list and I tried not to think about him again.
"What kept you?" he asked. He didn't smile, he didn't look angry. He just looked through me. I felt guilty for the first time. I felt shame.
"Do you...do you want to finish our game?" I asked, looking down at the chessboard. We'd been playing by Private Message for months.
"No," said Jethro, briefly glancing at the board. "I win." I looked at it too. I didn't see what he meant.
"No, I win," I said, pulling out my knife. I knew what I had to do. "I ALWAYS WINS."
"If you say so," said Jethro. He did not move as I lunged towards him.
Afterwards, I looked at the chessboard again. I was alarmed to disover that Jethro had indeed captured my queen. How had the pieces moved, after his death? Was I going insane?
I got out of there quickly. I crossed Jethro off my list and I tried not to think about him again.
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
Shit. That gave me a shiver.
Love Child
One Love
I know! Me Too! And then I was just going to say the same thing, which gave me a double shiver.
FUck! I'm out of here too!
starguard
Unluckiest Charm in the Box
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
I was prepared for all Hambil's security systems. I expected nothing less from him, the mad scientist that he was. I rolled underneath the final gate just as it crashed down behind me. I stood up and smiled.
"Hello, Hambil," I said.
"Wacky," said Hambil. Like Jethro, he almost seemed to be expecting this. "You got in."
"Got through all your lines of defense," I said.
"Not quite all of them," said Hambil. He pulled a shotgun out from behind his back. He fired, again and again. I fell backwards. He stepped over me.
"Cute," I said. I slid my knife out and stabbed upwards, into his groin.
"But..."
"The invincibility potion," I said.
"I developed that with the government...no one is supposed to know," said Hambil. He slumped to his knees. "Damn you, Wacky, it was meant to end all diseases."
"You know the government would have never let that happen. You're complicit in the terrible war crims that have been commite,d using your potion. You deserve this."
"Maybe," said Hambil. "But God know what you deserve, Wacky." He spat in my face and died.
Just as I was about to leave, I noticed Morrhigan for the first time. I watched her for a few moments as she played in the TK Arcade.
"I did it!" she said at last, finally looking up. "New Marble Balls 8 high score, Hambil! Hambil? Oh, you murdered him."
"That's right," I said.
"Hey, there's a Marble Balls NINE!" she said, and went back to work.
"Hello, Hambil," I said.
"Wacky," said Hambil. Like Jethro, he almost seemed to be expecting this. "You got in."
"Got through all your lines of defense," I said.
"Not quite all of them," said Hambil. He pulled a shotgun out from behind his back. He fired, again and again. I fell backwards. He stepped over me.
"Cute," I said. I slid my knife out and stabbed upwards, into his groin.
"But..."
"The invincibility potion," I said.
"I developed that with the government...no one is supposed to know," said Hambil. He slumped to his knees. "Damn you, Wacky, it was meant to end all diseases."
"You know the government would have never let that happen. You're complicit in the terrible war crims that have been commite,d using your potion. You deserve this."
"Maybe," said Hambil. "But God know what you deserve, Wacky." He spat in my face and died.
Just as I was about to leave, I noticed Morrhigan for the first time. I watched her for a few moments as she played in the TK Arcade.
"I did it!" she said at last, finally looking up. "New Marble Balls 8 high score, Hambil! Hambil? Oh, you murdered him."
"That's right," I said.
"Hey, there's a Marble Balls NINE!" she said, and went back to work.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Laker Girl killed herself out of grief. That certainly counts. I put my feet up and relaxed today. Tomorrow's is going to take some planning. But I think I know how to pull it off...
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
WHAT ABOUT THEIR TK CHILD? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO RAISE IT OURSELVES NOW LIKE MOWGLI?
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
I killed WillsZenith by the way. Rumorus that I had a much longer entry typed out and accidentally deleted it are untrue.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Laker-Girl, WillsZenith, I knew no one was impressed by those kills. The truth was, Hambil had left me rattled. I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I need a big kill next. Someone people would talk about.
Headvoid was sitting with his back to me, reading something on his computer monitor. I snuck up behind him. It was all too easy. I reached out, ready to strangle him. It was then that he span round on his chair. He had a gun aimed at me.
"Hello, Wacky," he said.
"How did you know I was coming?" I asked.
"Hambil," he said. I glanced at the monitor over his shoulder. Hambil would have had emails prepared to be sent in the event of his death. I knew I should have killed Morrhigan. But she isn't a Mine Fielder, she's an innocent, and it would have been wrong. She didn't deserve death. Not like Headvoid.
"Of course," I said. "Didn't think you'd carry a gun."
"Are you kidding? In my line of work it's essential."
"So here we are," I said.
"I know it's not even close to Christmas yet, but your killing days are at an end. I only wish I'd been able to save BDM, SBV, Ish, Jethro and Curious."
"What about Laker Girl and WillsZenith?"
"Oh come on, nobody cared about them! But you're right, they shouldn't have died either."
"THEY DESERVED IT. THEY ALL DID. Deep down, you know it."
"Even if that was true...there's nothing you can do now."
"Except for one thing. One thing you couldn't possibly know, one thing Hambil didn't know right up until the end, one thing he couldn't have put in an email..."
"That you drank his invincibility potion," said Headvoid. And he smiled for the first time.
"But...but how could you know that...Hambil didn't know..."
"It wasn't an email that told me. It was Hambil himself. He uploaded his brain patterns to the internet on the moment of his death."
"That's a lie..." I started to say. But I knew right away that it wasn't. Of course he'd do that, the mad scientist.
"Hambil's still out there. You failed in killing him."
"I killed him," I said, angrily. "A brain pattern on the internet? That's nothing, just ones and zeroes. I killed the flesh Hambil. You can't upload the human soul to the internet!"
"Funny, I thought you didn't believe in the human soul."
"Just shut up, okay! So, what, you loaded the gun with anti-invincibility bullets?"
"That's right."
"Well...that's me screwed then. Can I have make one last request?"
"No tricks."
"Of course not! I just want you to watch something...so you can understand."
"Any sudden moves and I blow your nose off," said Headvoid. I reached down to his computer and typed an address in.
"What is this?" asked Headvoid as a video started to play.
"Just watch," I said.
Sir David Jason appeared on screen. "Consider yourself...one of us," he began.
"This...what...oh God..." said Headvoid, in horror.
"This is the BBC's Christmas advert," I said.
"But they had to make massive cuts...they axed Shooting Stars even though it's still good...Doctor Who Confidential which Tomtrek probably liked a bit...but they still have money for THIS?"
"It cost sixty BILLION pounds," I lied.
"And me watching this...you think I'm going to kill myself now in horror?" Headvoid laughed. "I've seen a lot worse, kid."
"No, this was just a distraction while the nano bots entered your ears," I said. "Something I took with me from Hambil's lab."
"What is this sound...NO!" said Headvoid, in terror.
"It's the song from the Littlewoods advert. It will play in your head until the moment you die."
"Well played, Wacky. Well played. But you do know you've already lost. And knowing that...makes this easier." And he held the gun up to his head. And a moment later his head was void of all brain matter.
"I've lost nothing," I said. "You're dead and so is Hambil!" It was then that I saw Hambil's face flash up briefly on Headvoid's monitor. It was so brief that I could have imagined it. But that didn't stop me kicking the monitor off the desk.
"DEAD!" I said. I felt my phone vibrate. I had a new text message.
It read "I'm still out there."
Headvoid was sitting with his back to me, reading something on his computer monitor. I snuck up behind him. It was all too easy. I reached out, ready to strangle him. It was then that he span round on his chair. He had a gun aimed at me.
"Hello, Wacky," he said.
"How did you know I was coming?" I asked.
"Hambil," he said. I glanced at the monitor over his shoulder. Hambil would have had emails prepared to be sent in the event of his death. I knew I should have killed Morrhigan. But she isn't a Mine Fielder, she's an innocent, and it would have been wrong. She didn't deserve death. Not like Headvoid.
"Of course," I said. "Didn't think you'd carry a gun."
"Are you kidding? In my line of work it's essential."
"So here we are," I said.
"I know it's not even close to Christmas yet, but your killing days are at an end. I only wish I'd been able to save BDM, SBV, Ish, Jethro and Curious."
"What about Laker Girl and WillsZenith?"
"Oh come on, nobody cared about them! But you're right, they shouldn't have died either."
"THEY DESERVED IT. THEY ALL DID. Deep down, you know it."
"Even if that was true...there's nothing you can do now."
"Except for one thing. One thing you couldn't possibly know, one thing Hambil didn't know right up until the end, one thing he couldn't have put in an email..."
"That you drank his invincibility potion," said Headvoid. And he smiled for the first time.
"But...but how could you know that...Hambil didn't know..."
"It wasn't an email that told me. It was Hambil himself. He uploaded his brain patterns to the internet on the moment of his death."
"That's a lie..." I started to say. But I knew right away that it wasn't. Of course he'd do that, the mad scientist.
"Hambil's still out there. You failed in killing him."
"I killed him," I said, angrily. "A brain pattern on the internet? That's nothing, just ones and zeroes. I killed the flesh Hambil. You can't upload the human soul to the internet!"
"Funny, I thought you didn't believe in the human soul."
"Just shut up, okay! So, what, you loaded the gun with anti-invincibility bullets?"
"That's right."
"Well...that's me screwed then. Can I have make one last request?"
"No tricks."
"Of course not! I just want you to watch something...so you can understand."
"Any sudden moves and I blow your nose off," said Headvoid. I reached down to his computer and typed an address in.
"What is this?" asked Headvoid as a video started to play.
"Just watch," I said.
Sir David Jason appeared on screen. "Consider yourself...one of us," he began.
"This...what...oh God..." said Headvoid, in horror.
"This is the BBC's Christmas advert," I said.
"But they had to make massive cuts...they axed Shooting Stars even though it's still good...Doctor Who Confidential which Tomtrek probably liked a bit...but they still have money for THIS?"
"It cost sixty BILLION pounds," I lied.
"And me watching this...you think I'm going to kill myself now in horror?" Headvoid laughed. "I've seen a lot worse, kid."
"No, this was just a distraction while the nano bots entered your ears," I said. "Something I took with me from Hambil's lab."
"What is this sound...NO!" said Headvoid, in terror.
"It's the song from the Littlewoods advert. It will play in your head until the moment you die."
"Well played, Wacky. Well played. But you do know you've already lost. And knowing that...makes this easier." And he held the gun up to his head. And a moment later his head was void of all brain matter.
"I've lost nothing," I said. "You're dead and so is Hambil!" It was then that I saw Hambil's face flash up briefly on Headvoid's monitor. It was so brief that I could have imagined it. But that didn't stop me kicking the monitor off the desk.
"DEAD!" I said. I felt my phone vibrate. I had a new text message.
It read "I'm still out there."
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Pity poor Harkley. On a team building ski holiday with his fellow opticians, in a cabin on a mountain for away from anywhere. No way for Electronic Hambil to reach him with phones and the internet banned as the eye doctors bonded. One day after his birthday. The last thing he expect was to be blinded and forced to ski down the mountain without seeing where he was going. Oh, the irony, someone who dedicated his life to the eye being killed that way!
I relaxed in the cabin for a long time. I was safe up there, away from everything. But I knew I had to leave sooner rather than later. Tomorrow's kill is going to be a big one. I need to get the ready. I need to steal a tank.
I relaxed in the cabin for a long time. I was safe up there, away from everything. But I knew I had to leave sooner rather than later. Tomorrow's kill is going to be a big one. I need to get the ready. I need to steal a tank.
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
No Harkley makes Homer sad.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
I ran over Dual with my tank on the way to my next killing. I was annoying, it hadn't been the plan at all. He'd just been standing in the middle of the road being smug for some reason. This meant I couldn't kill another in the same day. It was against the rules. I went to sleep in my tank, dreaming of what was to come.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
I arrived at The Saint's shack in my tank on the stroke of midnigt. What weapons lay within? The truth was, I didn't know. But he had to have something. The Saint was a dangerous loner, the kind of person who stocks up on weapons because he believes society could collapse at any moment. I needed some heavy duty equipment to take him down. All I had to do was fire. So I did.
His shack still stood. I had done no damage. He had some kind of force field.
Hambil. It had to be fucking Hambil. I'd been thinking about him all day, after the unsatisfying death of Dual. He'd almost driven me insane. Made me doubt myself. Made me almost give up. ALMOST. But I wasn't going to let him beat me. I had another weapon. I'd kill the Saint face to face. I'd kill him with my lightsaber.
I got out of the tank and walked towars the shack. The force field didn't stop me, I walked right through it. Maybe Hambil was letting me in. Maybe it was a trap. Maybe...
What was that smell?
I cut the door open. It was even worse inside.
He'd been farting.
The Saint was sitting at his typerwriter, bashing away at it. He didn't even notice me.
"Have to, AAAAAAAH!" He let out another fart. "Have to finish this story about Loktar killing his brother and using the corpse as a bedroom door! He stole from his mother to pay for it! Ooops!" Farted again.
"The force field was farts," I said. "Nothing to do with Hambil." The Saint turned round at last. He looked mildly annoyed.
"Never can be too careful!" he said. "Don't know when they'll come for me! The farts provide me with all the defense I need. Actually...how did you get in? The smell usually drives anyone human away." He farted again.
"I'm not human anymore," I said. "I exist for one single-minded goal: to kill the entire Mine Field before Christmas. To make you pay for what you've done."
"I don't even post there!" he said. "Except when I need a BIIIIIIIIIIIG SHEEEEEEE-YITTTT!"
The truth was, the smell was almost too much to take. I was about to lose consciousness. My mind was cloudly. I could wait no longer.
"You've posted enough to deserve this," I said, stabbing forward with my lightsabre. It was over. Yet the smell was getting worse. Knowing him, he would have shat his pants right as he died. There was no other way he'd want to go out.
"Don't worry, I'll take your story to Loktar," I said, taking it from the typewriter. "I'll be seeing him tomorrow."
His shack still stood. I had done no damage. He had some kind of force field.
Hambil. It had to be fucking Hambil. I'd been thinking about him all day, after the unsatisfying death of Dual. He'd almost driven me insane. Made me doubt myself. Made me almost give up. ALMOST. But I wasn't going to let him beat me. I had another weapon. I'd kill the Saint face to face. I'd kill him with my lightsaber.
I got out of the tank and walked towars the shack. The force field didn't stop me, I walked right through it. Maybe Hambil was letting me in. Maybe it was a trap. Maybe...
What was that smell?
I cut the door open. It was even worse inside.
He'd been farting.
The Saint was sitting at his typerwriter, bashing away at it. He didn't even notice me.
"Have to, AAAAAAAH!" He let out another fart. "Have to finish this story about Loktar killing his brother and using the corpse as a bedroom door! He stole from his mother to pay for it! Ooops!" Farted again.
"The force field was farts," I said. "Nothing to do with Hambil." The Saint turned round at last. He looked mildly annoyed.
"Never can be too careful!" he said. "Don't know when they'll come for me! The farts provide me with all the defense I need. Actually...how did you get in? The smell usually drives anyone human away." He farted again.
"I'm not human anymore," I said. "I exist for one single-minded goal: to kill the entire Mine Field before Christmas. To make you pay for what you've done."
"I don't even post there!" he said. "Except when I need a BIIIIIIIIIIIG SHEEEEEEE-YITTTT!"
The truth was, the smell was almost too much to take. I was about to lose consciousness. My mind was cloudly. I could wait no longer.
"You've posted enough to deserve this," I said, stabbing forward with my lightsabre. It was over. Yet the smell was getting worse. Knowing him, he would have shat his pants right as he died. There was no other way he'd want to go out.
"Don't worry, I'll take your story to Loktar," I said, taking it from the typewriter. "I'll be seeing him tomorrow."
Love Child
One Love
I despise Saint's Shit Threads! Bubye!
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
I waited outside Loktar's house for a long time. I could hear his mother yelling at him even from outside.
"What am I waiting for?" I asked myself.
"Maybe you're thinking that Loktar doesn't deserve to die," said Hambil.
"Don't be...HAMBIL?" I span round, my hand on my lightsaber, ready to strike. Hambil was standing in front of me wearing a red dress.
"That won't work on me," he said.
"This is just in my head, I'm imagining this!" I said.
"Or maybe when you were in my lab, some of my nano probes got in your brain and I'm projecting myself into your thoughts," said Hambil, smiling.
"No!" I said. "LEAVE ME ALONE."
"So much anger, Wacky, so much hate. You have to let go of it. Start by not killing Loktar."
"He. Deserves. To. Die."
"Why? He did nothing to you. People picked on him on TK even more than they picked on you."
"He deserved it! Why couldn't he stand up to his brother? Why couldn't he get a bedroom door? He acted like a victim for so long...well, tonight he will be a victim. Of me."
I marched into the house. Hambil fizzled away. I had just been imagining, of course I had been. Loktar's mother was passed out on the sofa. I headed straight upstairs. I looked for the room with no door. Loktar was inside.
"Wacky?" he said. "What's going on?"
"Hambil didn't warn you?"
"No, I'm grounded from the internet...damn Roktar, it was his fault, he..."
"STOP IT. Enough of your complaining, your whining!"
"You don't understand, Roktar is a monster!"
"He's just a man. Unlike you. I'm going to end your self-imposed pain..." Then I heard a crashing sound. Footsteps? But what kind of a person's footsteps would sound like that?
"ROAR!" came a voice. Standing in the doorway was an eight foot tall man made out of rocks. It was the scariest thing I'd ever seen.
"What the hell is that thing!?" I asked, stepping back in horror.
"That's Roktar, I told you he was a monster!" said Loktar.
"You mean...he's literall a monster? Made out of rocks?"
"Yes! He's made my life hell!"
"But I thought....this...you really are a victim...there really was nothing you could do..."
"YOU NO ALLOWED FRIENDS," roared Roktar. "ROKTAR TELL MOM. ROKTAR KILL YOUR FREIND!"
"Don't you hurt Wacky!" said Loktar.
"You're defending me," I said in astonishment. "After all I just said to you, after the years of trying to drive you back into the Badlands...you're still defending me...maybe...maybe Hambil was right. Maybe you really don't deserve to die!"
"DIIEEEEE YOU!" said Roktar, drawing back a massive fist.
"Look out, Wacky!" said Loktar, pushing me out of the way just as Loktar swung. The punc hit Loktar right in the top of his head. He collapsed. I could see blood coming from his nose.
"No, Loktar!" I said. "I took the invincibility potion, you brave fool!"
"NOOOOO!" said Roktar. "ME NO MEAN TO KILL...ME ONLY LIKE TO SCAR YOU!" And the monster ran away. I knelt down beside Loktar. He was still alive, but barely. It wouldn't be long. I'd killed another one, even thought I hadn't meant it.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm so sorry."
"I feel...cold," said Loktar. "Did I...did I save you?"
"Yes," I said, but as I did I knew it wasn't true. I was beyond saving.
"That's good," said Loktar. "I think I'll have a little sleep..."
"Hold on," I said, fighting back tears. "Just let me...let me read something to you." I took The Saint's story from my pocket, the one Loktar had paid him to write.
"So...soooo cold," said Loktar. "Please hurry." I began to read.
"Once upon a time, there was a brave handsome young man named Loktar...and the world was a better place for having him in it."
"What am I waiting for?" I asked myself.
"Maybe you're thinking that Loktar doesn't deserve to die," said Hambil.
"Don't be...HAMBIL?" I span round, my hand on my lightsaber, ready to strike. Hambil was standing in front of me wearing a red dress.
"That won't work on me," he said.
"This is just in my head, I'm imagining this!" I said.
"Or maybe when you were in my lab, some of my nano probes got in your brain and I'm projecting myself into your thoughts," said Hambil, smiling.
"No!" I said. "LEAVE ME ALONE."
"So much anger, Wacky, so much hate. You have to let go of it. Start by not killing Loktar."
"He. Deserves. To. Die."
"Why? He did nothing to you. People picked on him on TK even more than they picked on you."
"He deserved it! Why couldn't he stand up to his brother? Why couldn't he get a bedroom door? He acted like a victim for so long...well, tonight he will be a victim. Of me."
I marched into the house. Hambil fizzled away. I had just been imagining, of course I had been. Loktar's mother was passed out on the sofa. I headed straight upstairs. I looked for the room with no door. Loktar was inside.
"Wacky?" he said. "What's going on?"
"Hambil didn't warn you?"
"No, I'm grounded from the internet...damn Roktar, it was his fault, he..."
"STOP IT. Enough of your complaining, your whining!"
"You don't understand, Roktar is a monster!"
"He's just a man. Unlike you. I'm going to end your self-imposed pain..." Then I heard a crashing sound. Footsteps? But what kind of a person's footsteps would sound like that?
"ROAR!" came a voice. Standing in the doorway was an eight foot tall man made out of rocks. It was the scariest thing I'd ever seen.
"What the hell is that thing!?" I asked, stepping back in horror.
"That's Roktar, I told you he was a monster!" said Loktar.
"You mean...he's literall a monster? Made out of rocks?"
"Yes! He's made my life hell!"
"But I thought....this...you really are a victim...there really was nothing you could do..."
"YOU NO ALLOWED FRIENDS," roared Roktar. "ROKTAR TELL MOM. ROKTAR KILL YOUR FREIND!"
"Don't you hurt Wacky!" said Loktar.
"You're defending me," I said in astonishment. "After all I just said to you, after the years of trying to drive you back into the Badlands...you're still defending me...maybe...maybe Hambil was right. Maybe you really don't deserve to die!"
"DIIEEEEE YOU!" said Roktar, drawing back a massive fist.
"Look out, Wacky!" said Loktar, pushing me out of the way just as Loktar swung. The punc hit Loktar right in the top of his head. He collapsed. I could see blood coming from his nose.
"No, Loktar!" I said. "I took the invincibility potion, you brave fool!"
"NOOOOO!" said Roktar. "ME NO MEAN TO KILL...ME ONLY LIKE TO SCAR YOU!" And the monster ran away. I knelt down beside Loktar. He was still alive, but barely. It wouldn't be long. I'd killed another one, even thought I hadn't meant it.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm so sorry."
"I feel...cold," said Loktar. "Did I...did I save you?"
"Yes," I said, but as I did I knew it wasn't true. I was beyond saving.
"That's good," said Loktar. "I think I'll have a little sleep..."
"Hold on," I said, fighting back tears. "Just let me...let me read something to you." I took The Saint's story from my pocket, the one Loktar had paid him to write.
"So...soooo cold," said Loktar. "Please hurry." I began to read.
"Once upon a time, there was a brave handsome young man named Loktar...and the world was a better place for having him in it."