I will MURDER a Mine Fielder at midnight EVERY NIGHT until Christmas
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
I was in a park. There were happy people all around. It was confusing. How did I get here? Who were they? They looked familiar...was that Fuddlemiff? It couldn't be, surely! I killed him. I HAD killed him, I remembered it. I'd thought I'd killed Dr Dave, but Fuddlemiff I was one hundred percent sure of...
Wait, was that Cassie who just walked by? Is that Jethro sitting at a table with a chess board in front of him?
"Want another game, Wacky?" he asked.
Whisky over there talking to Gagh, Curiousa2z playing football with Loktar...even Big Dick McGee and Laker Girl together. Even Seph nutting some squirrels.
And here comes Tomtrek, walking through the park...and it's raining. It's raining pictures of Michelle Trachtenberg. And he's picking them all up and cuddling them.
"This isn't real!" I said. SAUSAGEMAN patted me on the shoulder.
"Good work figuring that out, champ!" he said.
"I'm in Heaven...no, of course I'm not...this is Hell. THIS IS HELL!" I said. "RRRRRRARGH!" I grabbed SAUSAGEMAN and tried to strangle him. He just smiled smugly.
"This is just what my normal smile looks like, honest!" he said.
"Come on Wacky, join me for a game," said Jethro. "It's never too late."
"FAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!" said The Saint.
I couldn't be around these people any longer. I reached for my lightsaber, intending to stab myself...but it wasn't there. Someone had hit me in the back of the head, I remembered. I was asleep. That was it.
"I WANT TO WAKE UP NOW," I shouted. And then everything disappeared. I was in a room, staring up at the ceiling. I couldn't move. I felt weak, tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. They'd pumped me with a heavy-duty sedative, I knew that much. Four figures were standing around the bed I was lying in. Eventually I managed to focus on them. Menty, Dr Dave, Tisiphone and...a golden robot. They were talking.
"He rejected the virtual world again," said the robot, sadly.
"It was too be expected, Hambil," said Menty. The robot was Hambil! "He's more machine now than man, twisted and evil. Metal feet will do that to you."
"We should kill him and feed him to penguins," said Dr Dave.
"KILL!" said Tisiphone.
"There's still good in him!" said Hambil. "I can sense it." Menty looked sad.
"I wish that were true," he said. I blacked out again. When I came to, only the Hambil robot was in the room with me. I was still too weak to move, but I could just about talk.
"You're...a robot," I said.
"I'm still the same Hambil who talked to you," he said. "I just put myself in this body for now."
"Was it you who knocked me out?" I asked, thinking back to that blow to the back of the head. "Using the chip in my brain?"
"No, I haven't been able to contact you for days, not since you started abusing the Dark Side of the Force," said Hambil. "It was...her."
A figure was standing in the door. I tried to sit up to see who it was, but couldn't. They came closer.
It was Natalie Portman.
"No," I said. "It can't be you! I know there was a rumour going around that Consumer hired you to stop me, but I never believed that! You would never hurt anyone, not even me. You're a fake."
"That's right, WACKHOLE," said Natalie. She ripped her face off. It was a rubber mask.
It was Henoch.
"Of course!" I said.
"SHOCKING FUCKING TWIST, EH," said Henoch.
"Why do this," I asked.
"I was waiting for you to come and KILL ME AND END MY FUCKNIG AGONY," he explained. "When you didn't I decided to come to you, knock you out...THEN RAPE THE FUCK OUT OF YER LITTLE ASSHOLE. Unfortunately, Menty and his gang of GAYS stopped me before the rape. Actually, come to think of it, why the FUCK am I even still here? BYE FOREVER." And just like that he left.
"Well that ties that up," I said. "Now, the virtual world...what is it?"
"I've been working on it for years," said Hambil, proudly. "A new place we can all live in, free from our physical bodies. Your killing spree just sped things up."
"You're not telling me those are the real Mine Fielders, uploaded to a computer!?" I asked.
"Uploaded to the TK server itself. It's the hub of this new world. I put chips in all their heads. When you killed them, they came to the virtual Mine Field. Soon I'll build bodies for them all, bodies identical to the ones they had in life. They can return to the real world if they chose, and it'll be as if they never died at all."
"SAUSAGEMAN knew, that's why he let me kill him!" I said.
"No, he's just really sarcastic," said Hambil.
"And now you want me to live in this virtual world, like everything's okay!?"
"I had hoped..."
"NEVER. I want you all dead, don't you understand that. DEAD!" I could feel some of my strength return as I raged. I didn't let on...but I felt like I could get out of bed now.
"Wacky, we can all be together in a glorious virtual Mine Field! We can all finally see each other as we truly are, accept and celebrate our many differences! Doesn't that sound like everything you've ever wanted?"
"No," I said. They'd taken my lightsaber, of course, but what they hadn't noticed was that I had shoved Menty's lightsaber into my trousers after I'd stabbed him. I pulled it out and sprang up.
"Destroying this body will do nothing, I'll just upload again," said Hambil.
"But it'll feel good," I said and chopp him in two, right down the middle. I looked at the TK server. I could plunge my lightsaber into it, kill all the virtual Mine Fielders and end this once and for all.
Then I noticed a word written on the hilt of Menty's lightsaber. And I smiled. It was his TK password. Of course it was. He'd written it here so he'd never forget, the foool!
The password was "football". What else?
I logged onto the server using Menty's account. It had a record of all the Mine Fielders stored inside, including Hambil now. All I had to was type the KILL command to delete them all.
"Don't do it," said Menty. He was standing in the doorway, holding my lightsaber. He entered, follow by Dr Dave with his sword and Tisiphone with a big knife. I was still weak. I could barely stay on my feet. There was no way I could take even one of them in a fight, let alone all three. My Force powers were completely dulled by the sedative.
"Or what, you'll kill me?" I asked. "I was always going to die anyway! Now I get to take all your stupid friends with me. A virtual Mine Field! Robot bodies! Such things should never be! The Mine Field is a failed experiment and it's up to me to end it."
"You could just stop posting" observed Dr Dave. I'd actually never thought of that before.
"But..shut up!" I said.
"All any of us ever wanted was to be your friend," said Menty. "Maybe we never truly understood, maybe you're right. But you never really understood any of us. I think that's why it makes you so angry to see us so happy. Because you think you can never feel that for yourself."
"Yes," I spat out.
"Let Hambil build you a robot body," said Menty. "Join us in the virtual Mine Field. All the barriers can be broken down. We can be friends at last, for real."
"It is...too late for me," I said, a tear in my eye. I turned and started typing.
All thee of them stabbed me at once. I fell to the floor.
"Did he hit return?" asked Dr Dave. "Has he killed them all?"
"No," said Menty, in disbelief. "He didn't type the kill command...he just typed one word."
"What word?" asked Tisi. Menty read it from the screen.
"Sorry," he said. All three looked down at me, pity on their faces. Then they were gone.
Wait, was that Cassie who just walked by? Is that Jethro sitting at a table with a chess board in front of him?
"Want another game, Wacky?" he asked.
Whisky over there talking to Gagh, Curiousa2z playing football with Loktar...even Big Dick McGee and Laker Girl together. Even Seph nutting some squirrels.
And here comes Tomtrek, walking through the park...and it's raining. It's raining pictures of Michelle Trachtenberg. And he's picking them all up and cuddling them.
"This isn't real!" I said. SAUSAGEMAN patted me on the shoulder.
"Good work figuring that out, champ!" he said.
"I'm in Heaven...no, of course I'm not...this is Hell. THIS IS HELL!" I said. "RRRRRRARGH!" I grabbed SAUSAGEMAN and tried to strangle him. He just smiled smugly.
"This is just what my normal smile looks like, honest!" he said.
"Come on Wacky, join me for a game," said Jethro. "It's never too late."
"FAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!" said The Saint.
I couldn't be around these people any longer. I reached for my lightsaber, intending to stab myself...but it wasn't there. Someone had hit me in the back of the head, I remembered. I was asleep. That was it.
"I WANT TO WAKE UP NOW," I shouted. And then everything disappeared. I was in a room, staring up at the ceiling. I couldn't move. I felt weak, tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. They'd pumped me with a heavy-duty sedative, I knew that much. Four figures were standing around the bed I was lying in. Eventually I managed to focus on them. Menty, Dr Dave, Tisiphone and...a golden robot. They were talking.
"He rejected the virtual world again," said the robot, sadly.
"It was too be expected, Hambil," said Menty. The robot was Hambil! "He's more machine now than man, twisted and evil. Metal feet will do that to you."
"We should kill him and feed him to penguins," said Dr Dave.
"KILL!" said Tisiphone.
"There's still good in him!" said Hambil. "I can sense it." Menty looked sad.
"I wish that were true," he said. I blacked out again. When I came to, only the Hambil robot was in the room with me. I was still too weak to move, but I could just about talk.
"You're...a robot," I said.
"I'm still the same Hambil who talked to you," he said. "I just put myself in this body for now."
"Was it you who knocked me out?" I asked, thinking back to that blow to the back of the head. "Using the chip in my brain?"
"No, I haven't been able to contact you for days, not since you started abusing the Dark Side of the Force," said Hambil. "It was...her."
A figure was standing in the door. I tried to sit up to see who it was, but couldn't. They came closer.
It was Natalie Portman.
"No," I said. "It can't be you! I know there was a rumour going around that Consumer hired you to stop me, but I never believed that! You would never hurt anyone, not even me. You're a fake."
"That's right, WACKHOLE," said Natalie. She ripped her face off. It was a rubber mask.
It was Henoch.
"Of course!" I said.
"SHOCKING FUCKING TWIST, EH," said Henoch.
"Why do this," I asked.
"I was waiting for you to come and KILL ME AND END MY FUCKNIG AGONY," he explained. "When you didn't I decided to come to you, knock you out...THEN RAPE THE FUCK OUT OF YER LITTLE ASSHOLE. Unfortunately, Menty and his gang of GAYS stopped me before the rape. Actually, come to think of it, why the FUCK am I even still here? BYE FOREVER." And just like that he left.
"Well that ties that up," I said. "Now, the virtual world...what is it?"
"I've been working on it for years," said Hambil, proudly. "A new place we can all live in, free from our physical bodies. Your killing spree just sped things up."
"You're not telling me those are the real Mine Fielders, uploaded to a computer!?" I asked.
"Uploaded to the TK server itself. It's the hub of this new world. I put chips in all their heads. When you killed them, they came to the virtual Mine Field. Soon I'll build bodies for them all, bodies identical to the ones they had in life. They can return to the real world if they chose, and it'll be as if they never died at all."
"SAUSAGEMAN knew, that's why he let me kill him!" I said.
"No, he's just really sarcastic," said Hambil.
"And now you want me to live in this virtual world, like everything's okay!?"
"I had hoped..."
"NEVER. I want you all dead, don't you understand that. DEAD!" I could feel some of my strength return as I raged. I didn't let on...but I felt like I could get out of bed now.
"Wacky, we can all be together in a glorious virtual Mine Field! We can all finally see each other as we truly are, accept and celebrate our many differences! Doesn't that sound like everything you've ever wanted?"
"No," I said. They'd taken my lightsaber, of course, but what they hadn't noticed was that I had shoved Menty's lightsaber into my trousers after I'd stabbed him. I pulled it out and sprang up.
"Destroying this body will do nothing, I'll just upload again," said Hambil.
"But it'll feel good," I said and chopp him in two, right down the middle. I looked at the TK server. I could plunge my lightsaber into it, kill all the virtual Mine Fielders and end this once and for all.
Then I noticed a word written on the hilt of Menty's lightsaber. And I smiled. It was his TK password. Of course it was. He'd written it here so he'd never forget, the foool!
The password was "football". What else?
I logged onto the server using Menty's account. It had a record of all the Mine Fielders stored inside, including Hambil now. All I had to was type the KILL command to delete them all.
"Don't do it," said Menty. He was standing in the doorway, holding my lightsaber. He entered, follow by Dr Dave with his sword and Tisiphone with a big knife. I was still weak. I could barely stay on my feet. There was no way I could take even one of them in a fight, let alone all three. My Force powers were completely dulled by the sedative.
"Or what, you'll kill me?" I asked. "I was always going to die anyway! Now I get to take all your stupid friends with me. A virtual Mine Field! Robot bodies! Such things should never be! The Mine Field is a failed experiment and it's up to me to end it."
"You could just stop posting" observed Dr Dave. I'd actually never thought of that before.
"But..shut up!" I said.
"All any of us ever wanted was to be your friend," said Menty. "Maybe we never truly understood, maybe you're right. But you never really understood any of us. I think that's why it makes you so angry to see us so happy. Because you think you can never feel that for yourself."
"Yes," I spat out.
"Let Hambil build you a robot body," said Menty. "Join us in the virtual Mine Field. All the barriers can be broken down. We can be friends at last, for real."
"It is...too late for me," I said, a tear in my eye. I turned and started typing.
All thee of them stabbed me at once. I fell to the floor.
"Did he hit return?" asked Dr Dave. "Has he killed them all?"
"No," said Menty, in disbelief. "He didn't type the kill command...he just typed one word."
"What word?" asked Tisi. Menty read it from the screen.
"Sorry," he said. All three looked down at me, pity on their faces. Then they were gone.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
EPILOGUE
There was a shimmering before my eyes. Like a transporter beam from Star Trek, my dying mind thought. I shut my eyes, ready to die...
But it didn't come. When I opened them, I was in a white room. I looked at my wounds. They were healing! The holes in my chest were closing up. I was actually feeling better. How had this happened?
A man was standing over me. I didn't recognise him.
"Who are you...are you an alien?" I asked.
"YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME, TREKKIE SCUM?" he asked.
"That voice...no! You're not...him!?"
"THE ONE AND FUCKDAMN ONLY."
"FILTHYRECWHORE!?"
"IF IT WERE POSSIBLE, I WOULD PISS ON THE MINE FIELD." He smiled.
"You saved me...you...healed me?"
"BIGTIME. I really am an alien. I went to Earth to study humanity. I used The Mine Field in my study. I ended up wanting to kill them just as bad as you did. You came close. With my help, you can kill them all for good."
"No...no more killing," I said. "It's over."
"In time you will come to see my point of view. I have much to show you. There's a whole universe out there. And then, one day, we shall return to Earth. And have our revenge. Surely you like the idea of that?"
"Bigtime," I said, skeptically.
COMING DECEMBER 2012: CAPTAINWACKY AND FILTHYRECWHORE VERSUS THE MINE FIELD
There was a shimmering before my eyes. Like a transporter beam from Star Trek, my dying mind thought. I shut my eyes, ready to die...
But it didn't come. When I opened them, I was in a white room. I looked at my wounds. They were healing! The holes in my chest were closing up. I was actually feeling better. How had this happened?
A man was standing over me. I didn't recognise him.
"Who are you...are you an alien?" I asked.
"YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME, TREKKIE SCUM?" he asked.
"That voice...no! You're not...him!?"
"THE ONE AND FUCKDAMN ONLY."
"FILTHYRECWHORE!?"
"IF IT WERE POSSIBLE, I WOULD PISS ON THE MINE FIELD." He smiled.
"You saved me...you...healed me?"
"BIGTIME. I really am an alien. I went to Earth to study humanity. I used The Mine Field in my study. I ended up wanting to kill them just as bad as you did. You came close. With my help, you can kill them all for good."
"No...no more killing," I said. "It's over."
"In time you will come to see my point of view. I have much to show you. There's a whole universe out there. And then, one day, we shall return to Earth. And have our revenge. Surely you like the idea of that?"
"Bigtime," I said, skeptically.
COMING DECEMBER 2012: CAPTAINWACKY AND FILTHYRECWHORE VERSUS THE MINE FIELD
curiousa2z
Be patient till the last.
well this is so not a good time for traveller's diarrea.
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
BLOW-TORCH: "FILTHYRECWHORE...I AM YOUR FATHER!!!ARRRRRGHHH!!!!!
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
CaptainWacky looked at FILTHYRECWHORE and smiled.
"It's time to begin," he said.
"It's time to begin," he said.
Enkephalen
My Stars!
Is this role playing?
Filthy Whore
Mad Arse Face
Who's FilthyRecWhore? The person that was here before me and copied my name that I've never used anywhere before?
Mirah
I love you
The name FilthyRecWhore was originally registered. You came later. That is why most/some of us kind of did the whole, "Wait that person is back?" But then realized it was not one and the same.
@ Enk sure......
LOL I have to be an ass-because just check who is dead and who is not!!!!
Big Dick
Silent
Curious
ISH!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Cries*
Jethro
Hambil/except I thought he came back as a ghost and farted or something like that.
Laker_Girl
WillZenith-which leaves only 2 "bungie" people left
Is Headvoid dead?
Harkley
Dual/He was never really alive anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!
TheSaint! Oh he was probably the one that farted
Loktar
Gagh, there was that explosion
Eggs, Guess he has been posting from Heaven all this time, or is that Haven? : D
Did Seph die?
And Cassie, which body part did he save?
Rhymes with Dr Dave!
Tomtrek: Dead
Whisky: Dead
Fuddlemiff: Gone
Sausageman: Made into breakfast patties
Mentalist, Wait, who is that?
Who was the final death of 2012? Was it all a dream? What really happened? Will there be a conclusion, or will this be the ghost of Christmas present as we know it.?
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
Haven is a lot more dead than Heaven.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
They were all resurrected in robot bodies.
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
I ROBOT
