I will MURDER a Mine Fielder at midnight EVERY NIGHT until Christmas

[CaptainWacky]

I went for the Wacky Bottom on Gagh once again. I had him in position, but he elbowed his way out as the fans cheered him in. He kicked me in the gut and went for the Gagh Cold Stunner, but I managed to push him away. Relentless, Gagh charged at me...right into my spinebuster. I stood over him and looked around at the fans. I took my elbow pad off.

"BAH GAW, HE'S GOING FOR THE WACKY ELBOW!"

I hit the ropes twice, prepared to drop it into his heart...and Gagh rolled out of the way. I crashed down hard on the canvas. As I stood up, holding my elbow in pain, Gagh kicked me in the gut and hit the Gagh Cold Stunner to a massive cheer. I flipped over from the move. He covered me. The referee counted one...two...three.

"GAGH HAS WON THIS MATCH...WAIT A MINUTE..."

My foot was on the bottom rope.

"THAT DAMN COWARD WACKY!"

As Gagh argued with the referee, I slipped the brass knuckles out of my tights. Gagh leaned over to pick me up...and I punched him in the face with them. He went down hard.

"NO, DAMN YOU WACKY, YOU DAMN SON OF A BASTARD BITCH, NOT THIS WAY!"

The referee counted three. The fans threw trash in the ring. The ref checked on Gagh, then called for help. Gagh wasn't breathing.

"Folks...this isn't part of the show. Somehow, Gagh has died."

I walked backstage, ignoring the fans. A few minutes later, Gagh's dead body was wheeled by on a stretcher. He popped up, smiling.

"We really fooled them tonight!" he said.

"Yep, they actually thought I'd killed you," I said.

"Little do they know it's all part of the story," said Gagh. "Goodbye, Wacky!" he said, getting into his car.

"Yes," I said. "All part of the story. But I'm the one writing it." Gagh's car exploded in a fireball as soon as he sat in his seat. The bomb I had taken from Hambil's lab had worked. I walked off into the night.

 

[CaptainWacky]

So many twinks. No wonder Eggs Mayonnaise didn't leave the house much. I fought my way through them, somehow. They didn't think it was odd that I'd shown up. Maybe they thought I was one of them.

"No Eggs!" said the increasingly irritating Head Hambil. "He was your friend!"

"They all were," I said, chokeslamming a twink. The way to the bedroom was clogged up with them.

"You can stop, you can change," said Head Hambil.

"I CAN'T."

"No, maybe you can't."

"Ah, so now you start using reverse psychology on me," I said. Just six more twinks in front of me...

"No, I actually believe you. You're just a monster."

"ANYONE WOULD BE."

"You're the only Mine Fielder commiting murder."

I was there at last. I didn't respond. I just stabbed my lightsaber at Eggs. I didn't even look him in the eye.

"Yes, and I'm so good at it," I said. "Maybe I won't stop at Christmas."

 

[Dr Dave]

Madness!

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Wacky, you paedophile politician, you're lucky I recognised you," said Seph, putting down his machete. "Remember that time Menty took you with us to violate those asian triplets?"

"Of course," I said. "I'd never urinated blood before that night."

"Haha, yeah, I remember me and Menty ended up swallowing 38 wooden crisp pills and taking a boat to France...then eating a horse...did you end up destroying those triplets or what?"

"Haha, of course I did! I wrecked them!" I lied. I'd been so scared, left alone with three women, that I'd went to the bathroom then climbed out the window and ran off into the night. I'd hated Menty and Seph ever since. At last I would have vengeance on Seph. And Menty...that would come soon enough.

"So what have you been up to, you fucking yoghurt top?" asked Seph.

"This and that," I said. "Killing and the like."

"Never stop killing," said Seph, seriously.

"I won't," I said.

"Anyway, enough fucking talk, it's been 17 minutes since I put something pharmaceutical into my body and I'm starting to only seen real colours again. You got any mintal gear, bruv?"

"I've got these," I said, taking out two pills.

"Just two? Fuck, I don't get out of bed for less than ten pills. And my bed was set on fire a month ago by Chinese Pete after I fucked his wife in Toys R Us."

"These are my special Wacky's Own Blend aspfuck pills. Guaranteed to make you trousered in eighty seconds or your money back."

"Hmm, that's a good trousering rate. Alright, you take one first. Can't be too careful, you understand. The girl I'm shagging tried to kill me an hour ago because I kicked her tv in when she put Eggheads on."

"Sure," I said, taking the first pill. Of course, the invicibility potion was still active and would protect me. Even so, I found myself seeing Seph as a giraffe. "You a giraffe?" I asked.

"No," said Seph, looking me in the eyes. Then he took his pill. I smiled. He was as good as dead. "You really are a Lib Dem fucknose, Wacky," he said, suddenly.

"What?" I asked, confused. He couldn't know, surely. He wouldn't have taken the pill if he knew...

"I know you're killing the Mine Field, I know you took the invcibility potion, I know this pill's supposed to kill me."

"Then why take it!?" I asked, confused. The fact that Seph now looked like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson made out of Lego added to my confusion.

"I figure the invcibility potion will make us just about equal," said Seph. "Do you have any idea how much shit designed to kill I've put in my body? You think this shit can kill me? We'll see."

"Fuck you!" I said, reaching for my lightsaber. I wasn't going to take the chance now.

"YOU GONNA BE LONG?" sneered Seph, kicking me right in the patella before I could strike. I double over in pain. His floor looked like it was made out of choclate. Maybe I should eat it...

I threw up instead as Seph picked up his machete. "Got to admit, I really am double trousered alright," said Seph, staring at his weapon. "Right now I believe myself to be the president of Bolivia AND I'm having flashbacks to the time I was up to my nuts in Trashy Edna's guts. And yet I STILL know I have to kill you!" He laughed, lifting the machete up. He held it in the air and started to swing down.

It was all I could do to ignite my lightsaber as I desperately pointed it in his general direction. It went right threw his stomach. He collapsed on the floor. I crawled over to him.

"Haha," I said, trying not to to vomit again. "Now I'm up to my nuts in your guts...bruv."

By the time the police made their seventh visit that day to Seph's home, I was long gone. But I was going to have one hell of a hangover.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Cassie, Wacky? You're really going to kill Cassie?" asked Head Hambil. It was the first time I'd seen him since killing Eggs.

"Thought you'd given up," I said.

"I couldn't let this one go...Cassie was never anything but nice to you."

"Yes, and what good did that do? She encouraged me to be myself, to continue in my self destructive Mine Field behaviour. In a way she's worse than the rest! Well, now she's going to see what I'm really like..."

"I hope she cuts your dick off."

"That's just one of those STUPID Mine Field jokes, she doesn't really do that."

It had been easy enough to cut into Cassie's house with my lightsaber. I'd reach her bedroom. I opened the door, turned on the light...and was faced with hundreds of jars of penises.

"You were saying?" asked Head Hambil.

"They're not real, they can't be," I said, looking at the nearest jar. They certainly looked real.

"WACKY," came a woman's voice. Cassie was standing in the doorway with a penis cleaver.

"You...you're insane, you're sick!" I said. "How could you do this? SO MANY COCKS!"

"You're one to talk," said Cassie. "Killing all the Mine Fielders...yeah, Hambil told me."

"You should have ran then," I said, lighting my lightsaber.

"Oh, I wanted you to come," she cackled. "To add your duck-fucking cock to my collection, MOFO!"

"You'll never take Little Wacky!" I said, flying into combat. But Cassie was quick. She easily blocked and parried my attacks with her cleaver.

"I've been playing Skyward Sword so I know how to fight, GRRRRR!" she said. Damn it, I hadn't considered that.

"You're still just a girl," I said, continuing to attack.

"GRRRR!" she said. She swung at me now. But she wasn't going for a killing blow. She was swinging at my penis.

"You're crazy!" I said as she lunged in. She swung down. I narrowly avoided it, but she'd left herself open. I knocked her cleaver to the floor. "Was it worth dying for?" I mocked, as I prepared my killing blow.

"GRRRR!" she said. The cleaver flew right into her hands. She'd used The Force on it. I was stunned. Cassie was a Jedi? But I thought I was the only one. Maybe I wasn't alone in the world after all?

My thoughts were interrupted by Cassie slicing my penis clean off.

"HAHAHA!" she laughed in triumph, cradling it. "MOFO!" I chopped her head off.

"Crazy...crazy bitch," I said. Then it hit me. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I could never wank again.

"You should have topped up on the invincibility potion," said Head Hambil. "There's still enough left in your system that you felt more pain, but not enough to stop her cutting your dong off."

"It'll grow back, right?" I asked. "RIGHT?"

"No," said Hambil.

"There must be a way!" I said. "To regrow body parts!" I had a whole stash of Hambil's materials in my hideou. I'd find something...

"At least put it in a jar for Cassie," he said. "Let them stay together. Do that one thing if she ever meant anything to you."

Instead I crushed my own penis underfoot. "I've given enough of myself over to her already," I said. "There's nothing of the Wacky she once knew left. And soon...there will be nothing of the Mine Field left."

 

[CaptainWacky]

FBI Parte Due? More like FBI CUT IN TWO (parts)!

(I killed him.)

I'm working on learning the ways of the Force now. For years I believed all Midichlorians did was cause autism. That's what the doctors told me when I was diagnosed, when they said I had more midichlorians in my blood than even Bick. Now I know differently. They are a pathway to powers others can only dream of. Powers I will need, for my toughest foe yet is coming tomorrow...

 

[CaptainWacky]

I arrived at Dr Dave's office on the fortieth floor. It was huge. Obscene. I'd never seen so many fountains in one office before in my life. And the women! They were all over the place, everyone a stunning beauty. Dr Dave himself was sitting behind his desk with his back to me, looking out the window over his city.

"Enjoying the view?" I asked.

"Yes, of course," he said. It had been a rather stupid question.

"Your city, Dr Dave, your very own city. Do you even know what's happening on the streets anymore?"

"Who cares? I run this fucking city now, Wacky. ALL THE MONEY GOES TO ME. They can deal their drugs all they want. I've got my finger in every pie. AND IT'S A BIG PIE MADE OUT OF MONEY."

"What happened to you"? He turned round at last. He looked crazed. Bloated. Not the Dr Dave who defeated the Chinaman's army of zombie nuns to save the city, not the Dr Dave who saved Tisiphone from the Princess Diana Zombie and restored the spirit of Christmas. Not that Dr Dave at all.

"Power corrupts, Wacky," he laughed. "AND ABSOLUTE POWERS CORRUPTS ABSOLUTELY. YOU CUNT."

"Dr Dave!" I said, shocked by his bile.

"Oh lighten up, girl scout, you've murdered 18 people."

"You've killed more," I said. "Even if they were just nuns." A dark look came over Dr Dave's face.

"People talk of my bravery, Wacky, of my heroics. How I slayed the Chinaman's army. They thinks it's great! They don't think about what it was like for me. Having to kill and kill and kill...yes they were evil twisted nun zombies. But they were human once! They could have been cured! The cure for zombism was discovered the day after I killed my five thousandth nun zombie! Do you have any idea how it feels to take a life? Even the Chinaman himself...when I ran him through with my sword and kicked him into the very fires of Mount Goose...I was still killing another human being."

"Maybe that's the difference between you and me. I enjoy killing. It hasn't made me weak and twist, like it has you. IT HAS MADE ME STRONGER!" I roared, dramatically. Dr Dave looked unimpressed.

"I died the day I was made mayor of this city. The day I took the first whore to bed. The day I snorted my first line of SUPER COCAINE from between a golden goose's wings."

"That was a year ago!"

"Well, yes. I've been fucking and snorting ever since, desperate to feel something again. And all Iv'e felt has been mind-numbing pleasure. It's torture!"

"You're a sick man, Dr Dave. YOU NEED PUT DOWN." I ignited my lightsabre and flew through the air over his desk, spinning for some reason. But when I went for the killing blow, Dr Dave's sword was there. Even after a year of excess he was still quicker than me.

"Maybe ending you will make me the old Dr Dave again," he said.

I knew I couldn't beat him in a sword fight. Instead I pushed him. With the Force. He flew backwards, crashing out his office window. I was so surprised that I'd done it that I didn't even look to see him hit the ground. Finally, mastery of the Force was mine.

I was truly unstoppable.

 

[Dr Dave]

You Dacer...

 

[Consumer]

Things had gotten out of hand. I could see it now, the pattern...

I called this young lady because of her competence, beauty, and mostly that empty hole in her heart. Surgery would not repair it. She was perfect for the job.

"It's simple my dear, get into the cheerleader outfit, find the tank, knock, and then trigger the explosive. His death will end the madness...and only a few days before Christmas!"

I could see her consider it, and then nod. "As long as it will save Love Child, I'll do it".

"Good Girl" I said, and handed her the bomb.

I watched through the window as she went out into the night, to kill, but not to murder. She would have to find the tank with Dual-stains on the tracks. But then again, how many tanks were on the road this time of year anyway?

As I poured myself another Chi-tea, my hands trembled. At least I was going on the offense, if only by proxy, not cowering in my home. And if the girl did not succeed, there was always that number next to the phone, written in Mandarin. I'd have to call Him if Wacky got too close...

 

[Cassie]

I knew I'd get Wacky's dong someday. (written on my tombstone)

 

[CaptainWacky]

To kill Tomtrek in the obvious way by deleting all his Michelle Trachtenberg media and driving him to suicide? I didn't think I could do it. After my spectacular murder of Dr Dave it just felt too mundane. But Tomtrek wasn't a fighter like Dave, I'd slaughter him with my lightsabre. What fun way was there to actually kill him? I decided to ask on MSN.

Wacky: Hey how can I kill you?
Tomtrek: USE A PIZZA.

I nodded and ordered a pizza to be sent to Tomtrek's house. My MSN window flashed again.

Tomtrek: Hey did you order this bomb disguised a pizza for me?
Wacky: Yes! Good way to die?
Tomtrek: NO! I wanted an actual pizza to eat!
Wacky: Well, send that bomb back to the shop and I'll order you one...
Tomtrek: TOO LATE! *explodes*

I have to do better tomorrow.

 

[Consumer]

I heard the explosion echoing over the city. I smiled and picked up the phone. The young woman's number was on speed-dial.

"Natalie," I asked, "did you finish the job?"
"No, it wasn't me" she replied. "I haven't found him yet...".

I put the phone down, I was most perplexed.

 

[CaptainWacky]

I arrived at Whisky's house in my tank and wasn't surprised to see the A-Team van in his driveway. I jumped out of the tank (I was only using it to get about in, I'd never kill in such a lazy way) and readied my lightsaber. Whisky appeared at his front door.

"So Hambil warned you," I said.

"I thought it was all a joke, to be honest," said Whisky.

"Oh, drop the act! You feared for your life, so you hired the A-Team to protect you!"

"Nah, this is just their van. Bought it at a convention. Going to put it on eBay and make a slight profit."

"But there's someone inside," I said. I could hear movement. The door opened. Three men were there. "Mister T! Mister Dirk Fucking Benedict! And...Jason Donvan?"

"I'm Dwight Schultz!" he said.

"Oh, right," I said. "So what are they doing here then!"?

"That's just the actors who played the A-Team, not the actual A-Team," explained Whisky. "I think they live in the van now."

"What, are George Peppard's bones in there too?" I sneered.

"Hey, George is a great man!" said Dirk.

"What do you mean, is?" I asked.

"He's that tree!" said Dwight. I span round. The tree next to me was George Peppard crudely dressed as a tree, smoking a cigar.

"You just hired the A-Team!" he grinned.

"No, Peppard, I hired you," said Whisky. "Kill Wacky!"

"WAIT," I said. "He's dead! Why is he alive and acting like he's really Hannibal?"

"The crazy damn fool faked his death because he thought commies were after him," said Mister T. "Also a side effect of lung cancer is believing you're actually Hannibal from the A-Team."

"That's kind of dark," I said, thinking of how best to kill them all. Mister T shrugged.

"Wait, we actually have to kill this guy?" asked Dirk. "We're just actors, we've never killed anyone!"

"Hey Dwight," I said, stalling for time. "You played Reg Barclay in Star Trek. Do you think he had Asperger's?"

"Nah, Asperger's isn't real," said Dwight. "All part of the LEFT WING CONSPIRACY to keep decent folk like me down!"

I instantly chopped his head off. Everyone stared in disbelief. Then it hit me. I'd just broken my rule. He wasn't a member of the Mine Field. And I never killed more than one person a day anyway. What was I going to do now?

I shrugged and threw my lightsaber through Whisky's neck. He disolved into a pile of LEGO.

"Try putting that back together," I quiped.

"Are you still going to sell the van?" asked Mister T.

"No," I said.

"Good, I can stay in there. Didn't want to go home anyway. I ain't gettin' on no damn plane, fool!"

Everyone laughed except Dirk.

"Err, two people just died and one turned to LEGO on death..." he trailed off.

"Call it a...cast change," I said. This time everyone laughed!

"Kid, you're alright by me!" said Peppard, winking into the camera, even though there wasn't one. I smiled and walked off into the night.

I didn't notice the mysterious figure wearing a cloak watching me from behind some bushes...

 

[CaptainWacky]

I arrived at Fuddlemiff's house in Norway. I knocked the door. He looked through the peephole. He had been warned, of course. But It was ready. I heard several locks unlocking, then it opened. He looked at me.

"Oh, it's you, I was scared it was Wacky!" he said.

"Who's Wacky?" I asked. Hambil's appearance changer had worked. It had generatd a hologram around me which made me look exactly like Zeke from Neighbours. Why hadn't I thought to use it before.

"Some aspfuck from a message board I used to post on," said Fuddlemiff, gesturing me into his house. "He went crazy and started murdering everyone who posted there. Some good people have died: Gagh, Eggs, Jethro. Some good people. And Tomtrek."

"Wow," I said, smirking with Zeke's face. "Why do you think he did it?"

"Search me," said Fuddlemiff.

"I'd like to!" I said, raising my eyebrow.

"Oh you!" said Fuddlemiff. "No, I don't know. I always got on with Wacky, everyone did. He just snapped. He said we knew what we'd done. I had no idea, I was hardly posting by that point..."

"Yes, and that was the problem," I said. "YOU WERE THE ONE PERSON I COULD TALK TO AND YOU ABANDONED ME."

"Huh?" asked Fuddlemiff.

"...is what Wacky would have said. I imagine!"

"Err...sure," said Fuddlemiff. He was getting suspicious. I needed a distraction. Or I could just kill him. But for some reason I wanted this to last longer.

"Anyway, let's have gay sex," I said.

"That's quite forward of you," said Fuddlemiff.

"Come on, that's why I'm here...babe," I said. Why was I doing this? Could I bet that I wanted it.

"Babe?" said Fuddlemiff. He froze. "You're not Zeke. He'd never say something so uncool! He hosted a show on Piratenet for God's sake!"

"I'm sorry this had to end so quickly," I said. "But I'm not sorry for doing this." I chopped his head off with my lightsaber.

I felt sad. I thought I understood why. Being disguised as Zeke allowed me to be another person. To be somoene other than CaptainWacky. It was what I'd always wanted. But on the inside...I was still Wacky. And that would always shine through. I turned off the appearance altering device and walked off into the night, as myself.

I didn't notice the mysterious cloaked figure hiding behind some barrels.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"I'm going to make him into sausages," I said, proud of myself, as I waited for SAUSAGEMAN to arrive at the Gossip Girl convention. The fake Gossip Girl convention I'd advertised as happening in an abandoned factory a few miles from his home.

"I said, I'm going to make him into sausages!" I repeated. Head Hambil hadn't talked to me in days. Where was he? Why wasn't he trying to stop me anymore? I'd killed almost the entire Mine Field now. After this there was just...him to go. My greatest enemy. The man most repsonsible for making me what I am today. But that was tomorrow. Today, SAUSAGEMAN had just arrived. I jumped out.

"Ha!" I said.

"Oh no, what an obvious set-up, I can't believe I fell for it," he said, sarcastically. REALLY sarcastically.

"Wait, are you being so sarcastic that what you're saying is literally true?" I asked. "Did you genuinely fall for this and you can't believe it?"

"Oh boy, Wacky can't detect the level of sarcasm I'm operating on, what an feeble-minded spergmind he is," he said, with absolutely no irony in his voice.

"Right, you meant that," I said. "But did you know I'd be here or not? And if you did know...why did you come?"

"Maybe I knew about the mysterious cloaked figure hiding up that tree?" he said. I span round. But there was no one there. A distraction! SAUSAGEMAN was running now. I didn't understand. There was no way he could get away. I threw my saber into him. He was dead.

But why was I so confused? No, it didn't matter. I had fooled him, genuinely. He'd literally believed there was a Gossip Girl convention in this old factory. He'd just been sarcastic to mess with me...

And there was no mysterious cloaked figure, I thought to myself, even as he watch my every move...

To Greece I go.

 

[Tisiphone]

How the fuck did I miss this thread?? Thanks for the awesome reads at work.

 

[CaptainWacky]

In all the years I'd know him, I'd never imagined I'd one day stand in Menty's bedroom. Yet here I was. And before me was the TK server. Few new Menty actually kept it here. He'd confessed all to me one drunken night on MSN, back when he still talked to me. A long time ago now.

There was a monitor showing the Mine Field. There had been no new threads for weeks, the last time I'd checked. But now there was one. The topic read "Wacky". I hovered Menty's mouse over it. The text read as follows.

"You're breaking my heart."

I felt guilty for a moment. Then I felt the rage build up inside me. I started to squeeze the server with the Force. It felt good. I could destroy the Mine Field once and for all. Crush it with my power. I squeezed tighter...

"Let her go, Wackykin," came a voice. And there he was, standing in the doorway. Mentalist. I squeezed tighter. The monitor began to blink in and out.

"LET. HER. GO." I let go. The server crashed onto bedroom floor. I didn't know if I'd destroyed it or not.

"YOU TURNED HER AGAINST ME," I shouted.

"You have done that yourself!" said Menty.

"You will not take her from me!"

"Your greed and lust for power have already done that." He was coming closer now. My hand was on my lightsaber hilt. But Menty had a lightsaber of his own, of course. He'd taught me how to fight, after all.

"The circle is now complete. When last we met, I was the student. Now I am the master," I said, proudly.

"Only a master of evil, Captain," said Menty.

"Don't make me kill you," I said.

"Err, didn't you come here to kill me?" asked Menty.

"Oh, right," I said. "All the Star Wars quoting is confusing me. I just switching from the prequels to the original for a bit there."

"Yeah, I noticed," said Menty. "Let's skip to me saying I'll stop you."

"You will try," I said, igniting my lightsaber. I charged at him, swining it round and round as I ran. He was surprised by the ferocity of my attack, but managed to deflect my blows. But I kept coming. We fought out of his bedroom and down the stairs. We fought outside into his garden. I kept coming. But Menty always blocked my attacks. I wasn't even sure if I could kill him.

"Wacky, killing all the Mine Fielders, trying to destroy the server, what you're doing is evil, you must see that!" said Menty, as the battle waged on.

"From my point of view, the Mine Field IS evil," I said. "Look what it made me!"

"Isn't it true that you were always like this"? asked Menty. Had I been?

"No, I could have been normal once...but you all kept telling me 'keep on writing the Wacky Hot One Hundred, it's not creepy at all!' Then what happened? Natalie Portman saw it! She looked kind of weirded out! The humiliation was too much. Then you all left me for your real lives!"

"I have failed you, Wacky," he said. "I have failed you."

"YOU ADMIT IT!" I said.

"Yes," he said, sadly. We were fighting on a boat now. I hadn't even noticed. We were close to the shore. "I should have encouraged you to get the help you needed years ago. But that's all. I did nothing wrong by living my life."

"RRRRAARGH!" I lunged for him. But his knowledge of the terrain saved him. He backflipped from the boat, landing high on a cliff above. He pointed his lightsaber down at me.

"It's over, Wackykin," he said. "I have the high ground!"

"Or I could just sail away," I said.

"Well, yes," he admitted.

"You underestimate me!"

"Don't try it!"

Then I jumped. I jumped higher than ever before.

But he still managed to slice my feet off. The clanged to the ground. Menty looked down at them, noticing they were metal. He turn round to finish me off...and found me standing. I stabbed him in his chest. He fell back into the ocean.

"How?" he asked, struggling to keep his head above water.

"Self-replicating metal feet," I said. "The ONE THING you'd never expect! A new pair grew instantly when I LET YOU cut my old ones off. HAHAHAHA! PWNED! And don't think I'm just going to walk off and assume you died. I'm actually going to finish you!"

I picked up his lightsaber first. If he had children, I'd show it to them some day. When I told them I'd killed his father.

"YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!" I shouted, since I hadn't yet. "You were supposed to bring balance to the Mine Field, not leave it for Facebook and football and girls! But now I put an end to all that!"

I swung my lightsaber downin a killing blow...

...and it was stopped by a sword. A sword held by a mysterious hooded figure. I was knocked back by this person.

"WHO!" I said. He dropped his cloak.

It was Doctor Dave.

"It's me, Dr Dave," he said.

"But you're dead!" I said

"No," he said. "You didn't even watch to see me hit the ground. I just happened to land on Tisiphone who was outside."

"Then I killed her?" I asked, depserately. At least I would have kept to my one a day rule then.

"No," he said. "She's standing over there." He pointed to Tisi, who waved.

"Hi!" said Tisi.

"This can't be!" I said. Menty was already crawling out of the ocean. He was wounded, but not dead.

"You've killed enough, Wacky," said Dr Dave. "I've been following you for days, waiting for the right moment. Granted, I let Whisky, Fuddlemiff and SAUSAGEMAN die in that time, just becuase I thought it would be more dramatic to reveal myself when you were about to kill Menty. But it was worth it!"

"NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I said. And suddenly lightning shot out of my fingers. It hit Dr Dave. It hit Menty. As shocked by its sudden appearance as I was, I managed to direct it at Tisiphone as well. I laughed crazily. Force lightning! Of course I could do that! I just hadn't tried before. I was going to win, despite everything. All three were about to die.

Then something hit me on the back of my head and the world went dark.

 

[Dr Dave]

Who could it be... DR DACE?

 

[Tisiphone]

He survived because he bounced off my boobs. BOOBIES SAVE LIVES

 

[Dr Dave]

Thank you Tisiphones boobies.