EPISODE 9: ALL WILL BE REVEEEEEEEEALED (JUST KIDDING NOTHING WAS REVEALED!) KASHMIR, GUYS, THE NAME OF THE EPISODE IS KASHMIR, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T GET THAT FROM THE LED ZEPPELIN SONG PLAYED IN THE COMMERCIALS ALL WEEK. ISN'T THAT MOTHERFUCKING EDGY?!!!!!
Okay, first off, I was wrong about this being the mid season finale, next Monday is the mid season finale. I don't know why I thought that, but maybe because they hyped this Led Zeppelin tie in episode so much I just assumed it had to be the finale TO KEEP US ON THE EDGE OF OUR SEATS, or something? I DON'T KNOW. Anyway, BUY LED ZEPPELIN'S NEW ALBUM, OKAY? I wonder how much it cost Led Zeppelin to sell out on a crappy show? They probably sold out a long time ago, anyway.
IT WAS HILARIOUSLY AND GLORIOUSLY TERRIBLE! I hope every episode can be this bad. If the show starts making some kind of sense, I will be OUT.
So, last week the show ended with our gang jumping into the uncrossable raging river in order to escape the psychopath with scary knives and his murderous psychopathic militiamen. If only they knew that they could get across the river this way from the start! Revolution likes to skip over details, so we have no idea how hard it was to swim this river and when we rejoin the gang they are in the custody of some rebels... wait, wait, wait MAYBE they didn't make it across the river and they washed up on the same side of the river, because HANG ON A MINUTE...
Cut to uncle Miles, THE NINJA, tied to a chair being punched in the face by a rebel. Nora is in the other room trying to explain to another rebel that Miles isn't EVIL anymore. She convinces him that they have a plan to, well not really a plan-plan, just a desire really, to get to Monroe and steal back twinkniss, because he's Miles' nephew. This convinces the rebel to stop the beating long enough to convince the punchy rebel that MAYBE WE SHOULD JOIN THESE STRANGERS AND THE FORMER GENERAL OF THE SUPER EVIL MILITIA. Easy as pie, these hardened rebels join the gang! Uncle Miles has a plan to get them all into Monroe's lair and it involves using a mass transit tunnel (this is why I think they didn't make it across the river, they have to go UNDER the river). The now slightly bigger gang heads to the entrance of the tunnel, uncle Miles facial wounds have magically healed, punchy rebel must have been pulling his punches!
Alright, so they light their torches and head off into the darkness of the massive tunnel, even though if I had a lair and there was a big tunnel leading into it, I'd have some guards stationed in this easily defensible tunnel, but this is Revolution and the plot demands these people be inside a tunnel so some silly stuff can happen.
Uncle Miles knows this tunnel well from his militia days, and knows there are some traps and land mines. He remembers where all the mines are, so DON'T WORRY GUYS I'M SURE NOTHING HAS CHANGED IN THE YEARS SINCE I RAN AWAY... He's so confident that he allows Charlie and Nora to take the lead, and of course they're just walking along chatting about uncle Miles (so Nora can fill us in on some of uncle Miles' backstory - he and Monroe were besties since they were little kids, which is why uncle Miles couldn't kill him when he had the chance) WHEN, OH NOES... Charlie steps on a landmine! EVERYONE FREEZE, says Nora the demolitions expert. Nora has everyone leave the immediate area so she can work on the landmine. Uncle Miles and Google guy refuse, of course, but the rebels all move on ahead a ways. Nora tells Katniss not to move a muscle, Google guy has a worried face, uncle Miles looks exasperated. Nora starts digging around the landmine and then opens it up a little, she inserts a knife into it, and then tells everyone to RUN. The knife gives them enough time to barely escape the huge explosion, which causes the tunnel to collapse behind them - OF COURSE.
THIS IS WHERE THE HILARITY BEGINS.
So they're all traipsing along when Miles spots a militiaman going into a room.. he yanks the door open and no one is there. HOW COULD HE VANISH INTO THIN AIR? Uncle Miles has a confused look on his face, someone asks him if he's okay and OF COURSE HE IS, HE'S A NINJA! So they move on... They come to a water filled room they have to cross, it's about waist deep on the men and boobs deep on the womens. They're all moving along holding their weapons over their heads, Nora is bringing up the rear when.... SOMETHING LIKE A GIANT ALLIGATOR GRABS NORA AND YANKS HER UNDER! Uncle Miles runs back to save her, and everything changes, the blood is gone from the water, the gator is gone WHAT'S HAPPENING? Google guy sloshes over, he's figured it all out! IT ALL MAKES SENSE, HE SAYS (srsly, he said "now it all makes sense"). Uncle Miles looks at him crazily, what makes sense, fatso? Google guy says look at the torches, we're running out of oxygen, we're hallucinating! I ACTUALLY LOL'D. They've been inside a massive tunnel, for I don't know how long, but come on, even if they were trapped in there for days they wouldn't be running out of oxygen yet! So what do they do? Do they put out all the torches but one to save their dwindling oxygen supply? HELL NO, MOFOS, THEY DO NOT! They soldier on towards the exit, now and then they remember that they're supposed to be low on oxygen and show the torches burning low, but most of the time the torches are burning brightly otherwise we couldn't see Katniss' perfect hair! OH and their clothes are all magic too, because NOT DIRTY OR WET.
Uncle Ninja and the gang arrive at the exit, BUT THOSE DIRTY MILITIA BASTARDS HAVE BRICKED IT OVER! Everyone feels defeated, uncle Ninja begins to lose hope, Katniss gives him a pep talk.. oh wait the pep talk comes after Miles has a super lucid hallucination of himself walking into a brightly lit, very nice room, I think there's a computer on a desk, Led Zeppelin's Kashmir is playing... Monroe walks in, and they hug! Long time no see, Miles, how're you doing? So at some point Miles knows he's hallucinating, and IT'S REVEEEEEEALED that Miles misses the militia a little bit, if Monroe would take him back, why Miles just might GO BACK. This is how we're told that Miles is a deep and conflicted character. Alright, Led Zeppelin tie in moment is over, and Miles returns for his pep talk.
The gang moves on, there has to be another way out of here, said the joker to the thief... (they didn't play that song, but wouldn't it have been so COOL?)
They're walking along and we're treated to Google guy's walking hallucination, which consists of his wife following him and nagging him about abandoning her because he was a giant pussy. You're strong for Katniss, why weren't you strong for me? YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME, DID YOU? Google guy looks annoyed... keeps walking.
SUDDENLY THEIR TORCHES START BURNING WITH A SHINY FLAME!!!! They've reached a door that is riddled with holes, they all breath a big sigh of relief! I'm glad someone punched holes in the door, wouldn't want anyone to suffocate! They force the door open when PSYCH! the rebel who talked the other rebels into joining the gang turns on everyone and starts shooting! All the rebels but one die, of course... Katniss, Nora, Google guy somehow all manage to not get shot. SURPRISE! This rebel is really in the militia! He decided blowing his cover would be worth it, to bring THE Miles Matheson in, he's sure Monroe would reward him for his service. SO... Katniss and the gang are hiding, doublecrossingmilitia dude leads Miles through the door, and bars it from the other side. They're climbing up some type of service shaft or something... everyone on the other side takes a turn flinging themselves against the door... Google guy says GET OUTTA THE WAY, and puts his weight into it... BAM the door opens. Katniss and rebel Katniss go into the shafty thing... rebel Katniss with her bow, regular Katniss with her crossbow, evil dude shoots rebel Katniss, and kills her. Regular Katniss takes aim and kills militia dude BUT WAIT as he is falling down he raises his gun and shoots our Katniss! OMG OMG OMG IS SHE DEAD? PLS PLS PLS!!!!!!!!!!11111
No SILLIES, she's not dead! It's her turn to have a hallucination! I guess they thought giving her a hallucination during the lack of oxygen phase of the quest would be just too damn silly!
Katniss awakens on a couch, her dad is cooking din dins, he tells her to go fetch Danny and Maggie. Katniss says wait wait wait.. what's going on here? Has this all been a dream? Is this the real life? Daddy says lie back down sweetie, everything will be okay. Katniss hears uncle Miles calling for her to OPEN YOUR EYES, DAMMIT JUST OPEN YOUR EYES. Katniss realizes she is dreaming, gives her daddy a big hug, and goes back to the real world. Hey guys, it's just a scratch, I'm sure the blood on my temple will vanish by the time the next episode begins! Our gang heads towards the exit, it's probably an ambush, we'll find out next week!
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE LAIR...
Rachel (that's Juliet) is building a magic amulet amplifier! She's hanging out in the lab twisting some wires, the magic amulet is lying on a boom box, music fills the air... Major Evil, and captain nobody walk in. Major Evil demands Rachel explain the device to captain Nobody, even though she's super busy guys! Rachel explains that once the device is complete Major Evil will be able to use all the weapons of mass destruction he can find, you'll be able to kill THOUSANDS at a time. Major Evil looks pained... BUT WAIT, that wasn't a pained looked, that was a KNOWING LOOK. Major Evil and captain nobody exit, Monroe and some evil goons walk in.
What's up Rach? Oh nuthin, just building your super evil device! Sup with you? You know, Rachel, I value Major Evil's opinion above all other opinions, and he thinks you are UP TO SOMETHING! So I've brought this other scientist here to have a look at your shit! OH NOES!!!!!! Other scientist walks around the device for a couple minutes and says OMG GUYS IT'S A BOMB! Monroe is SUPER PISSED and tells Rachel that now he has other scientist she's no longer important so he will kill her conniving ass! TAKE HER AWAY EVIL GOONS! Rachel says NO WAY JOSE, and stabs other scientist in the gut with a screwdriver! YOU NEED ME NOW, DON'T YOU? HA HA HA!!!!! Monroe looks CONCERNED, or possibly he has gas, it's hard to tell!
THE END!!!
sorry
