The APPRENTICE starts on Wednesday

[CaptainWacky]

Here's the candidates.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00pj01n/candidates

Not a looker among them.

Can't be bothered watching the videos so I'll just point out that one of them is named "Ricky Martin" and looks like he could be a twat. Actually, most of them do.

I'm picking Bilyana Apostolova to win as she has the best name and Nick Holzherr to be punched in the face by Nick at some point.

 

[headvoid]

I can't be bothered to look at them either, so here are my snap judgements.

Adam Corbally
Been to Sandhurst where everyone called him RoarBallsy. he dislikes the name yet keeps on telling it. A complete rugger bugger who thinks everyone else is a wimp. Breaks down in tears in episode 4

Azhar Siddique
Lawyers son who maintains he is from a working class background. Can't do anything without looking at his ipad. Caught wanking by Jane Mcevoy in Episode 3 but he leaves due to "stress"

Bilyana Apostolova
Claims to have the biggest sales figures in the country and want everyone to check those figures and the assets she has amassed. Famously says "I can swallow that" in episode 6 that becomes an internet meme

Duane Bryan
Thick

Gabrielle Omar
Tries to use catchphrase all the time and constantly fails.

Jade Nash
Gargles with Tiger urine and likes screaming a lot. Breaks down in episode 7 because "Daddy always expects so much and I let him down"

Jane MceVoy
Shagger, complete and utter Shagger

Jenna Whittingham
Constantly vies with Katie Wright for meanest, bitchiest contestant. At one point suggests that Tom Gearing should have been aborted as he looks like the product of rape. The producers step in and suggest this might be a bit much and say she should just call him a ginger twat. She does it, not realising she is a redhead as well.

Katie Wright
Bitch who thinks she is clever, but actually believes a Thesaurus is a recent addition to Bristol Zoo.

Laura Hogg
Never speaks, discovered as a cyborg in Episode 5

Maria O'Connor
Admits she is actually Mutja from the Sugababes. No-one minds.

Michael Copp
Irish Criminal who is only on the show as it allowed him to apply for early release.

Nick Holzherr
Spent many years on the South Coast being a highly successful Landscape Gymnast. Struggles many times to explain what this is exactly, or why he was successful. Admits in episode 4 that he lived in a hole in his parents garden.

Ricky Martin
Many contestants point out that his haircut looks like a Vagina, which he laughs off. Unfortunately he doesn't laugh when "cheeky chappie" Stephen Brady cracks a joke about him coming out as gay and is stabbed to death in episode 1. Ricky is kept in as the police investigate as he "probably deserved it the twat"

Stephen Brady
Dead in episode 1, bit of a twat

Tom Gearing
Aggressively bisexual ginger twat. Makes knob jokes about almost anything.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Based on that, Michael Copp to win.

Which one screams "YOU'RE NOT AS GOOD AS MARGARET!" at Karren Brady in episode 5?

 

[The Tomtrek]

Who let Nick Holzherr out of Junior Apprentice?

 

[Gagh]

Ricky Martin
Many contestants point out that his haircut looks like a Vagina, which he laughs off. Unfortunately he doesn't laugh when "cheeky chappie" Stephen Brady cracks a joke about him coming out as gay and is stabbed to death in episode 1. Ricky is kept in as the police investigate as he "probably deserved it the twat"

This tit lives not far from me, and I know people who know him. He works as a recruitment consultant. This is the wanker who says "I'm a shark, I'm right at the top of the foodchain".

To show how serious he is taking this, a couple of years back he was on an episode of Total Wipeout. Not so much as interested in business, as interested in being a vein prick who loves seeing himself on TV.


Here you go

http://www.portsmouth.co.uk/news/stubbington-man-to-appear-in-the-apprentice-1-3618779

 

[Fuddlemiff]

He looks like he'll get fired and then go into a roid rage and have to be held down by his fellow contestants as Lord Alan shouts at Francis to call the "fackin fuzz for fuck's sake!!"

 

[CaptainWacky]

I was just watching this BECAUSE TOMTREK REMINDED ME and I pissed myself laughing okay, you can ignore it and get back on topic if you want!

[YOUTUBE]4LonSdeXR0s[/YOUTUBE]

 

[Fuddlemiff]

I can see you're gaining senses of humour already!

 

[CaptainWacky]

SO DID ANY OF YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING WATCH IT?

Yeah, so, it was an enterntaining episode. He was obviously going to fire Thingy (the blond one) given the "you can't hide" statment than STUPID Bilyana starts flapping her gums and talks herself into being fired. So yeah, she deserved it.

NO EARLY FAVOURITES YET. Not enough Ricky Martin this week.

 

[The Tomtrek]

It's the old old story of "Boys make shit product, girls make alright product, boys win because people are stupid, boy think they won because they were smart."

 

[headvoid]

I watched a bit of it, but I the editing was a bit obvious that Bilyana was for the chop.

I struggle to watch it if I am honest, as I meet people like them far too regularly.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Bilyana's best moment was describing how to draw a penguin.

 

[The Tomtrek]

Oh Lord Sugar you do play with my emotions so.

Annoying that the boys won again, espeically since they did it by being a terrible team again. They must be insufferable to live with now.

But thank God Lord Sugar kicked Maria out. She was so LOUD. And terrible make-up. And, y'know, did bad in the task too.

Normally by now I'd pick the member of the girl's team who I back totally every week (like Helen. Remember Helen? I loved Helen). But they're all so.... eggghhhhh... I mean the closest is Jane but she's still pretty annoying sometimes!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Women really are no good at business! This proves it!

Maria was hopeless and sometimes they're more likable on You're Fired but she wasn't, so it's good she went.

The Scottish one is alright, maybe? She din't push her bad idea after the market research said it wouldn't work, so it's not her fault they lost. And she lives a few miles away for me.

The compositor thing was crap too, really.

More RICKY MARTIN soon I hope!

 

[Fuddlemiff]

They seem an especially sorry bunch this year. I mean, I find the cringeworthy bits as amusing as anyone, but it'd be nice to have one or two credible candidates to root for. Where's the Badger? The Grimey? Even a Tre to serve as an anti-hero!

 

[CaptainWacky]

While there's no Tre as such, I still have high hopes for RICKY MARTIN.

(Not really, I just wanted to say "as such.")

 

[headvoid]

RICKY MARTIN even signs his name in capitals.

 

[CaptainWacky]

He has a monogram on his dressing gown reading "R I C K Y M A R T I N". RICKY MARTIN doesn't abbreviate!

 

[The Tomtrek]

Hey the good team won! That's always nice.

Yeah so dispite some early hiccups Sterling was obviously better, and I think a large part of that was Jane (I'm going to be very pro-Jane now sorry). I think it was a bit unfair that Duane said Jane was "holding them back" when it was obvious that it was her managment of the manufacturing that got them the large amount of stock which got them more money. What happened on the other team just shows how important it was!


Kind of wish it was Ricky that went. He's a knob. Or Stephen. He's also a knob.

 

[CaptainWacky]

THE RETURN OF WACKY'S APPRENTICE REPORT CARD

Adam: Complete and utter sexist, patronising knobspanner.

Azhar: They might as well have a cardboard cut-out of Hulk Hogan on the team for all the use he is.

Duane: One of the more impressive so far. Which isn't saying much. But will make it until near the end.

Gabrielle: I think she's seems really nice but hasn't actually done much, has she? Was just kind of there on her sub-team.

Jade: Is actually a perfectly worthy contributor. BUT THAT VOICE.

Jane: Is fairly intelligent but doesn't seem to work well with others. Bit of a bitch, really? Or maybe they're being unfair? But she didn't have to pull a face when Lord Sugar asked about Duane.

Jenna: Annoying.

Katie: She's alright. Wasn't the worst on her team, but obviously won't win either.

Laura: Still hasn't done anything wrong AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED. Probably too quiet to win.

Michael: Was pretty obviously going to get fired. Pointless.

Nick: He's not a twat at least?

Ricky: Like Stuart Baggs without the charm. Should literally die.

Stephen: Always looks on edge. Will punch Ricky in the dick soon then run away into the woods.

Tom: Not sure if he actually exists.