The Tisiphone Adventures: Fucking Zombies

[Dr Dave]

Episode 1: Fucking Kansas.

Eggs Mayo was walking about a neighbourhood in Wichita, Kansas. He was looking for his guy. Eggs Mayo was a black market power point presentation salesman.

Eggs knocked on the door to the house he was supposed to meet his guy at. Something was not right... what was that smell...

"That smells like burnt eggs mayo..." he said.

He tried the door knob. The door swung open.

"Harkley... you here BRO?" he said.

There was nothing but silence and the smell of burnt eggs mayo.

Eggs walked into the house.

"Brains..." came a voice from the closet.

"Hmm...did Harkley lock him self in the closet again..." thought Eggs

Eggs opened the door to the closet

"BRAINS!!!" Zombie Harkley lurched forward and took a big bite out of Egg's head.

"Brains..." Said Eggs.

Meanwhile elsewhere in TK's chat room on THE INTERNET

Cassie: So have we desided where were going to have the 1st annual MF BBQ and sex round up?

Tomtrek: Well the cheapest place we could book was a barn in Kansas.

Dr Dave: Shit, I fucking hate Kansas. Nothing but bibles and soybean farmers. I hate them MORE THEN 2 Nuns.

Tomtrek:We have no choice MAN! I'll inform the others.

CaptainWacky: AND MY AXE!

To be continued...

 

[Cassie]

AND WE'RE OFF ON ANOTHER EXCITING ADVENTURE!

 

[Dr Dave]

Episode 2: God this place is worse then 12 Nuns.

The MF peeps were at the airport, well more like a field in rural Kansas.

"You sure this is an airport MOFO!" Said Cassie.

Adjusting his Monocle Tomtrek said "That or our pilot was drunker then we thought and we are in some guy's dirt farm"

"God this place is worse then 12 Nuns." Said Doctor Dave

"Yeah Kansas really is a shit hole" said Jerk Poster 22.

"There better not be any chickens this time..." said Tisiphone

"Um.. Where's the bus that was supposed to meet us?" said MooGoo.

"I don't know but your whore Susie is wondering into that open pit" Said Tomtrek

"Ahhh!!!" Screamed Susie as she fell in.

People shrugged their shoulders

"That is no bus, but it is a pick up..."

"PIGS, I SEE PIGS!!!" Shouted CaptainWacky

The group got on the pick up truck and it dove off to THE BARN.

"This place smells like broken drams and jebus" Said Doctor Dave

"You sure do hate Kansas Doctor Dave" said Tomtrek

"Yeah... it's where The Chinaman is from" Replied Doctor Dave

To be continued...

 

[Tisiphone]

That fucking Chinaman!!!!

 

[Loktar]

Maybe Loktar will show up to take his revenge.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Jerk Poster 22 is up to something.

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

 

[Dr Dave]

Episode 3: Damn Chinaman!

The truck carrying the MF crew drove on in "wonderful" and "pleasant" Kansas. The driver Billy Bob Guntor Jones, a ignorant bible thumper drove fast.

Suddenly the tires blew out. Some of the MF crew fell out the back, two of them who were having sex on the roof of the tuck cab fell forward.

"Talk about rough sex!" said Love Child

"At least it was good" said Tisiphone

The MF gang gathered around while the driver inspected the breaks.

"Somebody dun blown em out with a bomb" said Billy Bob Guntor Jones

"Look there's a note" Said Tomtrek, while readjusting his monocle.

Doctor Dave picked it up and read it.

"It's the work of THE CHINAMAN!" said Doctor Dave

"That son of a bitch, if its the last thing I will do, I will kill him!" said Tisiphone

"Look it's the barn" said Gagh

"How convenient" said Tomtrek

"Too convenient" said CaptainWacky

"Lets get over there, SO I CAN MAKE BEEF!" said Cassie.

To be continued...

 

[CaptainWacky]

You have Cassie's speech pattern down!

 

[headvoid]

I hope the MF crew manage to construct an armoured amphibious anti chinaman vehicle just from BARRELS AND METAL TUBES AND STUFF LYING AROUND

 

[Dr Dave]

Episode 4: A cook out, Two and a Half Men, and Zombies in Kansas

The MF crew had reached the barn. They had set up shop. Cassie was starting the 54 grills and 22 crock pots for a good old fashion cook out.

Dr Dave was off setting up a still for some moonshine.

Tisiphone was setting up the tv so she could watch a SPORTS PROGRAM.

"What the hell!" said Tisiphone

"What's wrong?" Asked Tomtrek, adjusting his monocle.

"The only two programs I can get on this damned thing is Fox News and Two and a Half Men" Said Tisiphone is a very annoyed mannor.

"Kansas is hell..." said Tomtrek.

"FOODS DUN!" shouted Cassie.

The MF crew got their food and booz and gathered around the tv to watch FOX news and play the newest pop culture drinking game, the Fox News Drinking Game.

"Ok you know the rules, every time they make lie, just make shit up, or otherwise just spread propaganda for the RNC, take a shot." said Tisiphone.

"Were gunna be drunk in like 3 minutes" remarked Cassie.

"We sure are..." said Tisiphone

"Breaking news this hour. Zombies have taken over a small suburban section of Wichita, Kansas." said the FOX newscaster.

"OH MY GOD...!!!" said Tomtrek

"We now go live to fox news propaganda reporter Lisa Chan Moredongs" said the newscaster

"...Live here in Wichita, Kansas, zombies have indeed taken over this quiet god fearing neighbourhood. One of the zombies appears to be tossing plates of eggs mayonnaise at his victims before eating them." said the reporter.

"Thanks Lisa. We can report the national guard and the cast of CBS hit, Joan of Arcadia have been dispatched to the region to deal with the zombie threat. The zombies do appear to be heading in the direction of rural kansas. No barn is safe!" said the reporter.

"Look in the corner" Said Doctor Dave

"It's..." said Tomtrek

"That's right Tomtrek, it's The Chinaman" said CaptainWacky

"Lets finish our drinking and eating and find our guns and knives" said Tisiphone.

To be continued...

 

[CaptainWacky]

Joan of Arcadia will save us all!

 

[headvoid]

I'm glad we all have full stomachs before the slaughter, I can't bear fighting Zombies on an empty belly.

 

[Dr Dave]

Episode 5: Guns and Trachtenday, an American Tradition.

The MF crew was searching for guns. Guns for the coming horde.

"We need guns" said Tomtrek

"AND MY AXE" said CaptainWacky

"Stop!" said Doctor Dave

"What's wrong Doctor Dave?" asked Cassie

"It's a very special day for Tomtrek" said Doctor Dave

"I wasn't going to say anything... but its Trachtenday!" said Tomtrek

"Indeed it is Tomtrek, and in honour of this and the coming zombies we must gather all the guns in the GUN STORE to fight and kill zombies." said CaptainWacky

"Agreed" said Tomtrek

"TOP LEVEL" said Doctor Dave

"Tomtrek and Doctor Dave, you shall visit the GUN STORE, the rest of us shall make fortifcations" said Tisiphone

"AND FORNICATIONS" said Love Child

"Lets go get us some guns" said Doctor Dave

"I'm driving" said Cassie

"You just want to see the guns first" said Doctor Dave

"Damn rights!" said Cassie

"Lets roll" said Tomtrek

The three MFers headed towards SMALL KANSAS TOWN 22

Arriving there they found the GUN STORE. Inside was a vast supply of guns.

"We need guns" said Cassie

"How many guns and ammo you gunna need" said the gun store keeper

"As many as $10,000 will buy" said Cassie

"That's a lot of guns little lady" said the gun store keeper

"Yes it is, and call me that again and I'll cut off your dick" said Cassie

The store keeper gulped

"She means business!" said Doctor Dave

"We'll need a box" said Tomtrek

To be continued...

 

[CaptainWacky]

A fitting tribute.

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

I must be getting hungry by now!

 

[headvoid]

I suspect some MF'rs may have already turned into Zombies...

 

[Dr Dave]

Episode 6: The Chinaman and you, a win, loose relationship.

The Zombies continued their slow staggering march towards THE BARN. Eating brains and listing to U2 Music.

Eggs Zombie Mayo was at the lead, eating whatever heads he could find.

"Brainzzz" he said

If Eggs Mayo had the current capacity for high level brain functions he would have figured out why he was not as full, people in Kansas had small brains. So they marched onward.

Meanwhile in CHINA MAN HQ...

"WONG HO, COME" said THE CHINAMAN

Wong Ho, came in, bowed.

"What is the status of the ZOMBIE ATTACK!" asked The Chinaman

"Master, they march towards the barn" said Wong Ho, setting down a cup of dried frog tea.

"Good... and our spy?" said The Chinaman crypticly

"you mean curiousa2z, the Canadian?" asked Wong Ho

"Yes" said The Chinaman, adding "do we have any other spys, as he tossed a ninja star at Wong Ho's penis.

"AHH...No master, we have no others." said Wong Ho

"And her status" asked The Chinaman impatiently.

"Ready to be activated" replied Wong Ho, cupping his crotch in pain.

"Activate!" said The Chinaman

"Yes master" said Wong Ho

"You are DISMISSED" said The Chinaman

Wong Ho left, hopeing to find medical supplied and not just another bag of fortune cookies.

"They will not stop me this time... and they will pay the ultimate price..." said The Chinaman

To be continued...

 

[Tisiphone]

Wait, you mean we have to deal with zombies AND U2?

EVIL

 

[CaptainWacky]

Curiousa's curiousity took her to CHINA?!