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Wacky Reviews: Star Trek

First off, for the ITPM review: *standing ovation*

Second, His Way: I never wanted the Kira/Odo romance to happen, because I never bought it for minute. I get Odo having an unrequited crush on her, which is one thing that keeps him from saying 'screw this' and joining the link. But with the history these two characters share, they shouldn't be lovers as much as they should be something like war buddies.

The trap that the show fell into, the same trap that many long-lasting shows fall into, is the temptation to start pairing off all the characters in romances. I was fine with Worf/Jadzia because at least they had heat. And Sisko/Kasidy was good because in her, he met his match, and finally every Sisko story didn't have to be about him & Jake anymore. But Kira/Odo was never believable. Sure I could believe that she loved him, but they tried to make it sexual/romantic when it was really more of a platonic, beauty/beast dynamic. In the end, she gave him up in that sense, but while they were together they tried to make the ship too conventional. (Oh and Julian/Ezri was too easy, and just another way to create stakes/drama as they went to war.)

But overall I liked the addition of Vic -- his intro wasn't great but he ended up being the center of a couple of other really good eps to come.
 
From what I have read, the whole Odo Kira thing came from the looks he used to give her, it wasn't even scripted, don't know if it was a concoious thing from Rene, but someone decided the way he looked at her meant he loved her.
 
Sisko/Kasidy isn't really like I remembered it at all because she's actually hardly in the show. She's been in one episode so far this season and she spent most of it playing a different character.

I don't like them regularly hanging out at Vic's because it feels too much like Voyager having one lame Holodeck hangout location after another (remember the shitty Talaxian resort?)
 
Yup the Talaxian resort was generic and dull. The French place was okay but nothing special. Don't get me started on the Irish hellhole.

But CAPTAIN PROTON, c'mon, that was the tits!

And I can see the psychology behind it for both shows -- in VOY they were looking for substitutes to real shore leave, and generally finding ways to stay sane while cooped up in that can for "75 years". In Vic-era DS9, they were looking for ways to escape the drudgery of the war. A more passive place like VIc's would seem more desirable than one of Julian/Miles' spy or tribal adventures for war-weary officers.
 
The Reckoning - Kira and Odo smooch after everyone else leaves a meeting. Sisko, Kira and Jake visit Bajor as something has been found buried beneath the ancient city of B'Hala (Jake isn't very interested in all this Bajoran stuff.) It's a stone tablet over thirty thousand years old and it says "welcome Emissary" on it. Sisko has a vision of the Prophets telling him "the reckoning" is comng in their typical annoyingly vague way. Sisko takes the stone back to the station so Dax can translate the inscriptions. Kai Winn comes to the station, unhappy that Sisko removed the artifact without asking her (which is kind of fair.) Admiral Ross orders Sisko to return the tablet. Sisko believes the Prophets (Dax notes he doesn't call them "wormhole aliens" anymore) want him to have the tablet on the station. Dax translates the inscription and it seems to predict doom for DS9. Bashir doubts the prophecy is true but then the wormhole opens up and the station shakes. The instability in the wormhole causes natural disasters on Bajor and Winn believes the Prophets are angry at Sisko for removing the tablet. Sisko agrees to return it after Shakaar sends a formal request (Dax can still translate the inscriptions using the holo recordings she took, so I'm not sure why Sisko was so obsessed with keeping it anyway.) Kira talks about how Winn hates that she's finally space pope but has to share the power with Emissary Sisko.

Kira confronts Winn, accusing her of enjoying taking the table away from Sisko (this episode has been slow as fuck so far, I must note now.) Jake tells Sisko that all the Emissary stuff stares him as he's twice ended up in the Infirmary due to something Emissary related. Sisko's bored of nothing happening in the episode and...smashes up the tablet. Wow that was random. Two energy clouds, one a good blue and one an EVIL RED flly out of it. Sisko claims it was an uncontrollable urge. Winn accuses Sisko of smashing it out of pettiness but Sisko says he did what the Prophets wanted. The natural disasters are continuing on Bajor and Winn blames Sisko. Kira starts shooting lightning out of her hands and making bottles explode in Quark's. She's been possessed by a Prophet for The Reckoning. The "explains" that the Reckoning is the end...or the beginning. A Pahwraith will also take corporeal form and fight her. If the Prophet wins it'll bring about a new golden age for Bajor. ProphetKira just blanks Winn when she tries to talk to her, which is funny. Dax has a plan to flood the station with chroniton radiation and force the Prophet out of Kira's body. Sisko won't do so because the Prophets helped them in the war and he owes them, and Kira is a willing vessel for the Prophet and would want it this way. The station is evacuated of everyone but the main characters and a group of Bajorans Winn leads in prayer around ProphetKira. The Pathwraith chooses it's vessel...it's Jake. Does this mean Jake's evil and chose to allow the Pahwraith into him? The two "gods" have a super lame special effects fight. Sisko still won't trigger the chronitons as he believes the Prophets will protect Jake. ProphetKira seems to be winning the fight until Winn triggers the chronitons, freeing Kira and Jake. Jake tells Sisko that he did the right thing as the Pahwraith was pure evil and couldn't be allowed to win. Winn takes credit for ending the natural disasters on Bajor, but Kira accuses her of doing it because Sisko's faith was stronger than hers and she was jealous.

Why is this episode so bad? Why is it so lacking in energy and urgency, even while Bajor's supposedly being ravaged by natural disasters? I don't think it's because I'm biased against Bajoran religion episodes or anything. In fact I've enjoyed he last few Emissary centric episodes quite a lot. The religious stuff was used to tell a story about Sisko as a character: it was about how he reacted ta all he mumbo jumbo rather than the mumbo jumbo itself. This one though just feels like a bland retreated of stuff we've already seen. So much of it is spent recapping and reminding us about the Prophets and Winn and everything. Speaking of Winn i'm not sure why she's so suddenly so against Sisko again. In her least couple of appearances she's genuinely believed in Sisko as the Emissary and had faith in him making decisions that are best for Bajor. Here she's back to how she was in the first three seasons. It's like, with Dukat, the writers thought she was getting too complex and decided to just show that she's an out and out villain again. ANYWAY, one we get to the action it's terrible! The Prophet and Pahwraith look super lame. Winn just randomly decides that activating the chronitons will save the day, even though she has no way of knowing that would end the natural disasters. The only good part of the episode really is the Ben/Jake scene where Jake talks about the Emissary stuff scaring him.

SCORE: 4/10


Valiant - Quark is struggling to serve all his customers as his drink replicator is broken. Dax fixes it and Quark is annoyed because he thinks she's too good for fixing things (Odo notes Quark is in love with her.) Jake and Nog are heading to the Ferengi homeworld for a romantic vacation but the starbase they just left is attacked by the Jem'Hadar. They flee into Dominion space and are rescued from the Jem'Hadar by a Defiant-class starship named The Valiant. They're beamed onboard and find the Defiant is crewed entirely by cadets (the famous Red Squad Nog admires) who manage to destroy the Jem'Hadar. A cadet named Tim Watters is the acting Captain. Chief Collins and Watters explain to Jake and Nog that they were trapped behind enemy lines when the war began and all the regular officers who had been training them were killed (isn't that convenient!) They've spent eight months behind enemy lines. Watters enlists Nog and sets him the task of fixing the warp drive, which can't go about warp 3.2. Their mission is to find information about a new Dominion battleship. Watters confirms Starfleet doesn't know he's in command but he's going to carry out the mission anyway. Nog is fine with this, I guess? The cadets all look at Jake funny as he's Sisko's son. He bonds with Collins, who is from the moon (Jake's never been!) Nog fixes the warp core with his knowledge of the Defiant. Steely-ice bitch first officer Farris tells off Jake for making Collins cry and reminding her of the moon. Watters takes a softer approach, telling Jake the Valiant has a great purpose and Jake is hear to reporton it. Also Watters is addicted to pills.

Nog is happy to be in Red Squad now but Jake doesn't think it's so great. They catch up with the Dominion battleship and shadow it. They get the information they need, but Watters makes a speech to the crew (and Jake) about how the ship must be destroyed. Nog isn't convinced as it'll mean taking the Valiant very close to the Dominion ship, but Watters says they can do it because they're Red Squad. Jake points out that even even his father wouldn't do this because it's impossible but they all just start chanting "RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD" like annoying gits. Watters listens in on Jake and Nog arguing. Nog thinks Watters is right but Jake thinks Nog has been brainwashed by fanatics. Nog tells him he just doesn't get it because he's never been in Starfleet. Jake is locked up in the brig. Watters makes another inspiring speech as Jake shakes his head in disgust. The Valaint begins its attack on the massive battleship. but they get their asses kicked and their special torpedo fails to destroy it. Watters is killed when his chair explodes. Nog and Collins are the only two left arrive on the Bridge and Nog gives the command to abandon ship. They get Jake out too (literally everyone else was killed by exploding consoles) and mange to get away in an escape pod. They're picked up by the Defiant. Nog tells Jake to write a story saying it was a good ship with a good crew (eeeeeeeeh) and they made a mistake. Collins still believes Watters was a great man and it was them who failed him.

It's better than the last one but it's still not very good. You can see what they were going for here with the cadets being radicalised by being trapped behind the lines and believing their own Red Squad hype. And I do like that the Valiant fails spectacularly and Watters gets them all killed. The problem is the lack of depth and the nearly completely unlikable cadets. Collins is the best of them but Farris is commpletely horrible and Watters himself doesn't get enough character stuff (would have liked him to clash with Nog or something or had a more indepth clash with Jake.) Nog really should have instantly asked them why they hadn't gone back home as soon as their commanding officers died and pointed out that Watters deciding to destroy the Dominion ship was the wrong thing to do. I feel like Nog should be beyond the Nog of season four who idolised Red Squad. Anyway, it's okay.

SCORE: 6.5/10
 
I liked Ezri and Bashir, but it was pretty stupid that she “discovered” she was in love with him because of a dream.
 
I thought the valients destruction took away from the defiants, since we had never seen the ship destroyed before, and the effect was better.
 
Profit and Lace - Quark reverts to his season one character by trying to pressure a Dabo girl into sleeping with him or be fired (this is played for laughs.) Rom suspects the Dominion have invaded Ferenginar (in horribly annoying fashion) because they can't get contact with it. The Grand Nagus and Moogie show up on the station. Zek explains that he's made it legal for females to wear clothes and as a results he's been no longer Grand Nagus and Brunt has replaced him as acting Grand Nagus (he got his job back after the events of actual good episdoe 'The Magnificent Ferengi;.) They have three days before Brunt is permanent Grand Nagus and Zek's plan is to have the FCA commissioners come to the station and meet Ishka who will impress them so much that they'll be in favour of women having basic rights. Quark, Rom and Nog (who surely has more important Starfleet duties to attend to) call all the commissioners but only one agrees to come to the station. Brunt arrives on the station and everyone repeats the line "ACTING Grand Nagus!" as if it's funny (it's not.) Brunt explains that he's on the station just to gloat, even though he's supposed to be running a planet. Quark and Moogie have a fight and she has a heart attack. Brunt comes by to gloat and point out that Ishka was apparently the only businesswoman on Ferenginar (WHAT ABOUT PEL?)

So, invetibably, Quark has a sex change (yes really) and dresses up as a woman. He's more emotional now because he's a woman and we all know that women cry every five minutes. Rom teaches Quark how to walk like a woman. Zek fancies girl Quark. Chariman Milva of Sluggo Cola arrives and isn't funny either. Quark pretends to be a woman named Lumba and Milva wants to have dinner with her right away. Lumba impresses Milva by explaining that once women are wearning money they'll also be spending money and by coming up with a new female-friendly slogan for Sluggo Cola. Milva invites her back to his quarters because he's hot for her. He chases her around the room like Benny Hill. Milva tries to rape her and Quark fights him off with a chair. Why is this happening. Brunt comes in and reveals that Lumba is Quark. Lumba proves she's a woman by flashig Milva and Brunt. Brunt says it's not a woman and Milva has the Some Like It Hot "nobody's perfect" line by saying "close enough!" It's bad. Quark is changed back to a man but still has female hormones so cries and gets a hug from Odo. Ishka forgives Quark and hopes he's learned something from the whole thing. He apologises to the Dabo girl from the start and gives her a raise, but then realises she was going to sleep with him and runs after her.

How is it actually possible that this episode has the same writers as 'The Magnificent Ferengi'? How could they manage to write and actual funny Ferengi comedy, one that actually had some heart to it too, but also this, the least funny comedy episode in tv history? There's exactly one funny bit: when Rom says Ferenginar being conqueed by the Dominion would have terrible repercussions for the Alpha Quadrant and Worf says "I cannot think of any!" And that's right at the start! The first half is really bad, but it's one Quark has his sex change that it reaches never before seen levels of badness. The episode assumes that just having a man dressed as a woman is inherently funny: it's not. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sayinng it can never be funny (Monty Python springs to mind!) but just having Quark cry (because he's a woman!) isn't in any way amusing. It's pretty offensive really! Then Milva tires to force himself on Quark hahaha rape! Yeah, look, it's just bad. Even if you aren't offended or anything you can't actually find it funny. And what's amazing is that Armin Shimerman actually refused to read some of the worst lines and toned down his performance compared to what the script called for. So yeah, it could have been worse!

SCORE: 0.5/10


Time's Orphan - Keiko and Molly are back on the station. CHESTER THE CAT makes an appearance so this is already better than the last episode. The O'Briens go for a picnic on an alien planet and Molly falls into a weird swirly votex thing (how did nobody find it before? It was just sitting there in a cave.) Dax comes to help and explains that it was some kind of time portal that sent Molly three hundred years in the past. O'Brien says "bollocks!" and makes the baby cry. Kira and Odo look after the baby and Kira says she wants to have one of her own one day. Odo looks worried because he can't shapeshift sperm. O'Brien manages to get the portal working again and pulls Molly out, but she's now eighteen years old and a cavewoman. She's been alone on the planet for ten years and they can't try pulling out a younger Molly as it'll erase this Molly from existence (Odo would do it though!) Julian suggests Molly has blocked out the details of her early life. Worf and Dax watch the baby next (Dax says Alexander was "four years old" when he moved in with Worf even though it happened I think one season after Alexander was born?) Dax goes off to look at a comet leaving Worf alone with it. A cargo bay is converted into an environment for cavewoman Molly to live in. She's still scared of her parents but eats some melon. THey seem to make progress as Molly remembers a doll and throws a ball to them. Worf struggles to get the baby to sleep but doesn't want Dax's help.

Molly lets Keiko brush her hair. O'Brien thinks things are going well but Bashir warns him not to push things too far. They pick up the baby from Worf. Molly freaks out and says she wants to go home. They take her back to their quarters and she likes the "starry stars" but rips up her clothes and tells them that the "home" she wants to go to is the planet she spent the last ten years on. They take her their on the holosuite and she has fun climbing trees and stuff. But Quark tells them time is up and Molly goes nuts. She bites Quark's ear, beats up some customers and Odo has to stun her. One of them wants to press charges against Molly. The Federation want to take her to a "special care centre" and keep her there. Molly keeps running into the forcefield in her cell. Miles and Keiko are worried about what will happen to her in the care centre. The baby falls under Worf's care and Worf blames himself. He thinks he isn't fit to be a father and shouldn't have any with Jadzia. O'Brien comes up with a plan to take Molly back through the portal to the past where she'll be happy. O'Brien breaks Molly out but Odo catches him. Odo says he's disappointed...that Miles didn't do a better job escaping. He lets them go. This is a really good moment and shows Odo's growth. Miles and Keiko give Molly her doll and send her home through the portal. (Crazy idea, why didn't they take the baby and go with her and set up a house in the past and all live there for the rest of their lives?) But Miles accidentally sent her back to the time when eight year old Molly arrived. Big Molly sends little Molly through the portal and erases herself from existence. Wow, that was really lucky. Jadzia tells Worf that he did a good job looking after the baby and Worf is happy. Little Molly does a drawing like one big Molly did.

I don't think it's quite as bad an episode as it's made out to be. I mean the plot is pretty ridiculous and the ending is really convenient (and of coursse creates a huge paradox.) The teenage Molly having to act like a cavewoman most of the episode deifintely hurts it, but I think the (hot) actress does the best she can with it. You've also got to wonder if the O'Briens could have tried more with Molly before deciding to send her back in time. But Colm Meaney is great as always and convinces you that all this silly stuff is actually very serious. Rosalind Chao does fine too! The B-plot is gentle fun. Again this isn't actually good but it's not down there with the worst this season (maybe coming right after the worst episode ever helps it too.)

SCORE: 6/10
 
I liked Time’s Orphan. A few things about it don’t add up and being a 45 minute episode means what should be a long recovery process gets squeezed down so much that it feels like the O’briens give up too soon. “There are only 15 minutes left, Miles... let’s just send her back in time and wrap this thing up.” But it’s still a thought provoking concept and Colm Meany and Rosalind Chau make the upset and frustration and love as realistic as it can be.
 
The Sound of Her Voice - Odo's back to being a fascist and tells Quark to remove his new barstools because of health and safety issues. Quark realises that Kira distracts Odo from doing his job and plots. The Defiant's on a mission somewhere (not related to the war) and everyone's depressed and not talking. Kasidy's there too for some reason! They pick up a distress call from a Starfleet officer. It'll take six days to reach her. O'Brien works hard to established two-way communications with Lisa Cusak (that's her name.) Quark tells Odo that it's the one month anniversary of his first date with Kira and he should buy her a gift. Jake tells Quark he wants to watch his scheme unfold as he's trying to write a criminal character in his next (first?) novel. O'Brien gets through to Lisa while talking to Kasidy. Bashir explains to her that she will be running out of air by the time they got to her. Sisko orders that someone be talking to Lisa at all times. He goes first, catching her up on the war, but she doesn't want to be depressed and asks him about his personal life. Sisko admits he's having problems with Kasidy because she's a civilian and Cuask tells a story about dating an Andorian. Quark continues his scheme. Lisa notices that Bashir isn't actually listening to her and pretends a monster's attacking her to get his attention. Then speaks in a monster voice that fools Bashir for a moment somehow. Odo changes the day of his date with Kira, ruining Quark's plans.

O'Brien admits to Lisa that he's keeping his distance from his friends because he's worried they or him could be dead soon. They bond over not liking the idea of a ship's counselor (poor Troi.) Lisa tells Bashir that her health is getting worse and he tells Sisko they only have two days to save her. They're still three days away! O'Brien can't make the ship fly any faster as it would tear the ship apart, but using their phaser reserve would make it possible (somehow.) Worf objects in case they run into the Dominion but Sisko orders O'Brien to use the phaser reserve. Sisko and Kasidy still struggle to talk. Lisa tells Sisko he just has to keep his personal and professional lives seperate. She coughs a lot. Quark shows Jake the stolen goods he can't sell now and tells him Odo should let him get away with this one because he got Odo and Kira together in the first place (debatable!) Odo was watching in the shape of a barrel the whole time. Odo goes to Quark and tells him he wants to go on the date now, which will allow Quark to meet with his business partner and sell the dodgy wares. The Defiant arrives at the planet. Sisko, Bashir and O'Brien go to get Lisa in a shuttle, racing against time, but find that Lisa is already dead...and has been for three years. Turns out the weird energy barrier was improbably sending her messages back in time. They were talking to someone who was already dead. They take her body back to the station and have an "Irish wake" for her (Worf and Dax are there even though they never bothered to actually talk to Lisa on the Defiant.) Sisko tells Kasidy they need to start talking again. Bashir makes a speech about Lisa teaching him that he should tell his friends how he feels about them (did she?) O'Brien makes a better speech about how he wants his friends in his life because one day one of them might be gone (ominous cut to Dax.) It's another great Colm Meaney performance.

It's good to have an episode I can call "pretty good" again! I mean it's not great or anything. The time travel twist is almost entirely pointless, it would have made no difference to the story if they'd just arrived too late to save Lisa. I guess having her be dead all along makes it even more tragic and sad? Bashir's chat with Lisa are a bit weird as all we really get is her pretending to be eaten by a monster and him saying "she taught me how to be a better person!" or whatever at the end. The O'Brien stuff is the best part. Lisa, to be honest, feels a bit too perfect in how she helps everyone. I wouldn't have been surprised if the twist ending had been that she was actually an alien entity who wanted to make friends with humans or something. Anyway yeah it's pretty good!

SCORE: 7.5/10


Tears of the Prophets - Some Bajoran festival is going on. Kira is angry that Odo arrested a Vedek for breaking a minor law. Admiral Ross presents Sisko with the Christopher Pike(!) medal of honor for his service during the war. He then tells Sisko that Starfleet wants him to plan the invasion of Cardassia. Worf and Dax tell Quark and Bashir that they're planning on having a baby. Quark and Bashir are sad because they wanted the marriage to fall apart and Dax to shag them both (this whole story has always felt kind of off to me?) Damar tells Weyoun that the styem he apparently left vulernable to invasion is protected by unmanned weapons platforms. Dukat shows up and tells Damar he doesn't blame him for Ziyal's death: it was Sisko's fault somehow. He makes a mad speech about wanting to share his new philosophy with the universe and that he needs a Bajoran artifact that Cardassia stole durin the occupation. In return Domion forces will be able to travel through the wormhole again. Sisko, Martok and Ross have a meeting with the Romulans, trying to convince them to aid with the invasion. The Romulans think it's too early but Sisko argues the only way to win is to force the Dominion back before they can breed more Jem'Hadar. Vic Fontaine sings 'Here to the losers' to Quark and Julian. Sisko agrees to let Jake come along on the Defiant to cover the invasion as a journalist. Sisko has a Prophet vision where they seem to be telling him that invading Cardassia will harm Bajor in some way (they don't explain because they're annoying.) Ross, Matok and the Romulan senator agree to leave for Cardassia earlier, before Damar's weapons are activated. Sisko tells Ross about his vision but Ross thinks it's all too vague and tells Sisko to choose between being the Emissary or a Starfleet Captain. He chooses Starfleet. Dukat freaks Damar and Weyoung out by talking about the Prophets and stuff then releases a pahwraith from the artifact and lets it possess him.

Kira and Odo make up. Sisko leaves Jadzia in charge of the station while he's gone (I guess this could be because Worf's going on the mission and he and Jadzia are not allowed on missions together now? But why is Kira going on a Starfleet mission to invade Cardassia?) Garak is on the Defiant too, telling O'Brien it's not every day you liberate your homeworld. The battle begins with the Jem'Hadar commting suicide in throwing their ships at Martok's Klingon fleet. Damar's weapons platforms activate just in time. Weyoun doesn't believe all Dukat's talk of Gods. Damar points out Weyoun believes the Founders are Gods but Weyoun says that's different, they ARE Gods. Back on the station Bashir (also strangely not on the mission?) tells Dax that she should be able to have a half Klingon baby with his medical help. Dax decides to stop by the Bajoran shrine to thank the Prophets as Kira said a prayer for her. Dukat transports into the temple and shoots Dax with his force powers. His pahwraith flies into a Bajoran Orb and it goes black. The wormhole blows up and Sisko has an Obi-Wan moment, feeling the Prophets reaching out in pain or something. Kira, not Worf, takes over command. Dukat apologises to Dax for killing her. O'Brien and Garak come up with a way to get the weapon platforms to fire on their own power supply. The weapons platforms are destroyed and the alliance has taken two planets in Cardassian space. Dukat tells Weyoun and Damar that the wormhole is gone now but it's still a great victory as the Bajorans are cut off from their Gods. A terrible actress child asks Sisko to find the Prophets and bring them back. Bashir reports that he's saved the Dax symbiont but there's nothing he can do for Jadzia. Jadzia dies, telling Worf their baby would have been beautiful. Worf does the Klingon death cry. Sisko makes a speech to Jadzia's coffin about how Curzon was his mentor but she was his friend. He says he needs time away from the station to figure out how to make things right. He and Jake leave and Kira notes that Sisko took his baseball with him, meaning he doesn't know if he's coming back. Sisko scrubs potatoes outside his father's restaurant.

It's a good finale but some of it just feels off to me. I don't really like the new Dukat. He's a weirdo. The Prophet stuff is annoying because Sisko is right that they should just fucking tell him what to do instead of saying weird shit in a weird way. You can't really blame Sisko for leading the invasion (and how would he have been able to stop Dukat anyway?) Quark and Bashir still being hung up on Jadzia annoys me too. It was introduced a few episodes ago and I feel like they both (Bashir in particular) got past it years ago. Jadzia could have possibly been given more to do in her last episode (I know they were going for a random Tasha Yar death.) And if you're going to have Garak in an episode, give him more than four lines please! The battle scene is great though and Jadzia's death, as pointless and random as it is, is very sad.

SCORE: 8/10

I did it! Two episodes a day for thirteen days: the whole season in under two weeks. That must be the quickest I've done any season of Star Trek. I think it was partly because of the more serialised nature of the season, it made me want to keep watching (I wasn't planning to watch it this quickly.) The first two third of this season are the best the show's done and possibly the strongest of any seaosn of Trek. Sadly the season commpletely falls off a cliff in the last third with a number of mediocre, disappointing and outright bad episodes (and one that's possibly the worst in all of Star Trek.) It's like they achieved perfection with 'In The Pale Moonlight' then all went mad and forgot how to write. Still, a season with four 10/10 episodes is nothing to be sneezed at! SO DON'T SNEEZE.
 
I always wondered why Kira was on the Defiant when they went up against the Dominion. Surely that would be a massive breach of Bajor’s non aggression pact. But then I guess DS9 itself (when in Federation hands) is another. Realistically, all Federation and Klingon personnel should have been told to leave when the pact was signed.
 
Image in the Sand - Kira has been promoted to Colonel and has promoted her hair to a Colonel's haircut. Bajorans on the station are praying to the Pahwraiths, much to Kira's disgust. Sisko's been gone for three months. The Defiant returns to the station after convey duty and Worf's still sad about Dax and snapping at people. Sisko's playing piano in his father's restaurant. Jake thinks he needs pushed to do something, just as Sisko gets a Prophet vision of digging up a face in sand somewhere. Admiral Ross informs Kira that the Romulan Senator Creak will soon be coming to the station with a small Romulan military presence. And in our fourth(!) story thread, Weyoun's started to notice that Damar's drinking a lot. They both believe that Dukat releasing the pahwraith has somehow turned the war in their favour. Jake finds that Joseph has a photo with the woman in Sisko's vision. Joseph gets angry when asked and storms out. Worf goes to see Vic (yep he's going to be in it a lot now, taking up several minutes each week with singing) and demands he "sing the song" to him. Worf eventually smashes the place up. Cretak arrives on the station and tells Kira she wans to have a good working relationship. Bashir realises it was Jadzia's favourite song (yeah, a 300 year old alien just happened to have a 20th century Earth song as her favourite) and Quark is upset at the damage Worf did EVEN THOUGH IT'S A FUCKING HOLOSUITE. Ben shakes Joseph to get him to tell him who the woman is. Joseph reveals her name was Sarah...and they were married. Sarah was Ben's mum. Joseph reveals that Sarah disappeared two years into their marriage. He eventually found her living in Australia as a "holo photographer" but she's dead now.

Kira and Cretak seem to be getting on well. Cretak reveals the Romulans want to build a hospital on one of Bajor's moons. O'Brien goes to see Worf with a bottle of bloodwine. Worf eventually agreets to get drunk with him (Barclay and Geordi are mentioned by name here, making this the best scene of the episode.) O'Brien reports to Bashir and Qurk that Worf believes Jadzia didn't get into Stovokor (Klingon Heaven) because she didn't die in battle. She can only get in if Worf wins a glorious victory in her name and they decide to tell Martok. Joseph gives Ben a locket of Sarah's with ancient Bajoran writing on it. It mentions an "Orb of the Emissary." Sisko thinks he'll find answers on planet Tyree, which he saw in his vision. The hospital on the Bajoran moon is set up (pretty quickly!) and Cretak thanks Kira for putting in a good word. But Odo reports that "Romulan plasma torpedos" have been detected there. Martok and Worf do some bat'leth fighting and Martok tells him he has a dangerous mission for him that'll get Jadzia into Stovokor. Sisko STILL hasn't set out for Tyree because he's making whooping noises with Jake. A cloaked Pahwraith worshipper arrives and stabs him. Sisko is fine and still wants to go to Tyree anyway. Julian reveals that he's going on the suicide mission with Worf to help Jadzia get into Stovokor. O'Brien says he's going as well to look after Bashir (aww...but should a guy with two kids really be going on a suicide mission to look out for his friend?) Kira bursts in on Ross and Cretak to tell her the Bajorans want the Romulans off their moon as they've stuffed it full of torpedos. Weyoun and Damar are happy to hear of the Romulan treachery. Joseph and Jake insist on coming with Sisko (he's finally going!) A really pretty young Starfleet officer comes to the door and reveals she's here to see Sisko...she's Dax.

Four stories in one episode is a lot! It's like something out of Discovery. Granted the Weyoun/Damar stuff only takes up two scenes. But it means none of them really go as far as they could with fewer stories. I'll just say it right away, my biggest problem is with the Sisko story. He takes all episode to leave for Tyree (actually he still hadn't left at the end!) and it feels padd. Yeah he gets stabbed at one point but he's fine the next day. The stuff with Joseph revealing the truth about Sarah feels really soapy and I'm not a fan of the way the Prophet/Pahwraith story is going. What do Pahwraith cutlists actually believe in? At least with the Prophets they've left Orbs over the centuries. Have the Pathwraiths left EVIL ORBS too? Do the cultists just think it's cool that they possessed Keiko and Jake those times? Anyway, I found the Worf story the best as it had the strongest character stuff. The Kira/Romulan bit was fine but only got interesting right at the end. It's a decent season opener but not great

SCORE: 7/10


Shadows and Symbols - Ezri Dax (that's her name!) reveals that she got the Dax symbiont by accident: there was a shuttle crash (I'd never get in a shuttle if I lived in the Star Trek universe) and she was the only available Trill who could take on the symbiont. Ezri is struggling with feeling like a different person now and thinks Sisko is the only person who can help her through it. She decides to go to Tyree with them. Worf, O'Brien and Bashir report to Martok's Bird of Prey for the mission and are shocked that Quark shows up wanting to come to. They all have to cut themselves with knives because Klingons are weird. Ezri gets spacesick on their runabout. She tells Jake she's a ship's counselor. Ross tells Kira that the Federation won't force the Romulans to get off the Bajoran moon because of politics. Sisko hears sounds of a hospital in his head. They arrive on the planet and start looking for the Orb. Worf explains the plan is to blow up a star to blow up some Dominion shipyards or something. Quark isn't happy with how Worf treats him. Worf says that the three of them are there to convince themselves they are worthy of Jadzia but they never will be. That's pretty harsh, especially on O'Brien who didn't even fancy her. Drunk Damar invites a girl into the command centre (lol) and Weyoun kicks her out. Kira and Odo are snuggling at they talk about the blockade Kira is setting up to stop the Romulans delivering their weapons (or whatever.) Kira is planning to bluff her way to victory. Joseph starts to struggle with walking around in a desert. Ben hears hospital voices again and starts crazily digging.

Ross and Cretak warn Kira to stop her blockade. She won't. Cretak tells Ross she knows Kira is bluffing. Quark complains about too much gagh. Worf apologises for being rude (even reluctantly to Quark.) He wanted to get Jadzia into Stovokor without them, but realises they were all important to her. They arrive at the shipyard. Sisko goes madder as he digs up the Orb. He has a vision where he's locked up in a hospital, writing the story of the episode on the wal. His doctor is played by Casey "Damar" Biggs. Avery Brooks goes full Brooks again and somehow it's not as tolerable as in 'Far Beyond the Stars'? I think because he had a whole episode of build up there. The doctor tells him to stop writing on the walls as it's a bit crazy. Jake is blasted by the Orb. Cretak tries to make a deal with Kira but Kira won't back down and threatens to fire on the Romulan ships. Cretak promises not to back down. Brooks does some bad crazy laughing as Benny is ordered to paint over his story. In the real world Sisko starts burying the Orb. The Bird of Prey has to get closer to the sun and it's really hot. They fail in their first attempt to ignite the star and three Jem'Hadar ships arrive. Ezri pleads with Sisko to open the box. Benny punches the doctor and writes "Sisko opens the box" giving Sisko the strength to do so (I guess.) Something flies out of the Orb and opens the wormhole. The Pahwraith is kicked out and blows up. Kira sees this as a sign, I guess, and gives the order to fire on the Romulans, as Cretak says she's run out of time for the sixth time. The Bird of Prey finally ignites the star and blows up the shipyward, getting away at the last second. The Romulans finally back down and agree to remove the weapons after Ross tells Cretak he'll remove the weapons if she doesn't. Sisko sees his mother Sarah as a Prophet. She reveals that the Pahwraiths sent the false vision of the mental hospital (but I guess 'Far Beyond the Stars' was really the Prophets. Also, if the Pahwraiths can send visions at any time why don't they do it all the time to drive Sisko mad?) Sarah reveals a prophet possessed the real Sarah to make sure Sisko was born. Sisko finds this a bit weird but gets over it pretty quickly. She says the usual vague rubbish about his destiny. Sisko returns to the station, his faith in the Prophets apparently restored by learning that they raped his mother. Everyone is confused by Ezri.

It's a bit better than the first part but I still find the Sisko plot a bit boring. Lots of walking around in the desert, some terrible "mad" attacking from Brooks, then the usual Prophet vagueness where they use the Prophets being non-linear as an excuse for them not making sense. Why doesn't Sisko think it's a bigger deal that they possessed an innocent woman, force her to marry and have a child with a man she didn't know, then dropped her off in Australia to die? That's worse than anything we've seen the Pahwraiths do so far! He should have found out the truth about his mother earlier and spent the rest of the episode dealing with it. Ezri gets some funny lines. The Worf story is still good (apart from Quark being kind of over the top annoying on the Bird of the Prey, trying to bait Worf into a fight for some reason), the Kira story is fine but kind of pointless? It just seems to be there to give Kira something to do. I did quite like how Cretak wasn't just EVIL and respected Kira and Ross, and the actress did a pretty good job (she'll return later with a different actress for some reason!) Anyway yeah I'm ready for the season to start "properly" now.

SCORE: 7.5/10
 
I really liked the original Cretak actress. She’s quite believable and comes across as a reasonable person instead of scheming and cliched like some Romulans (while actually being very scheming!). The producers apparently didn’t like her performance, though, and replaced her with a fine but not very interesting actress.
 
Afterimage - Ezri struggles to adjust to life on the station, talking to a Morn who doesn't know who she is and visitng the Bajoran shrine where Jadzia was murdered. She tells Quark she's leaving for a starship to be a therapist there. Quark is nice to her but possibly just because he sees another chance to sleep with Dax? Worf won't speak to her. Sisko suggests it's because Wof is honouring Trill traditions but there's no Trill tradition against talking to someone. An on edge Garak is too busy with Starfleet Intelligence work to play Alamo with Bashir, O'Brien and Odo. His claustrophobia kicks in as he works to decode Cardassian messages and he's rushed to the Infirmary. He tells Sisko he won't be decoding any more messages for a while. Sisko wants Dax to talk to him. She's only an assistant counselor, and she's feeling compelled to stand on her head, but she eventually agrees. Quark makes his intentions towards Ezri clear to Bashir. Ezri goes to see Garak and tells him about her space sickness. He talks about how Tain would discipline him by locking him in a closet, which seems like a pretty obvious cause of claustrophobia. She thinks he gets claustrophobic for the same reason she gets space sick: misplaced guilt. She runs into Worf who makes it clear he doesn't want to know her. Sisko tells her that Garak's gone back to decoding. He tries to get her to stay by telling her the station needs a good counselor with all the war stress, and he's got her promoted to full counselor with the rank of Liutenant.

Ezri struggles to order food due to memories of what Dax's past hosts did and didn't like. Bashir tells her she has Jadzia's eyes and Ezri tells him not to flirt with her. She tells him if Worf hadn't come along Jadzia would have ended up with him. Don't know about that. Worf sees them together and is annoyed. Garak has a freak out and tries to open an airlock to escape the station. That's dangerous! Ezri and Garak have a session on the holosuite but it doesn't help him much. Bashir picks a sextoy out of Quark's ear (yes.) Worf pins Julian about against the wall warning him off Dax. Garak goes back to hemming pants. Ezri tries to counsel him again but he's in no mood for it and rips into her, teling her she's not up to the job, she's a confused child who isn't worthy of the name Dax and viewers will never accept her as a Jadzia replacement! She runs off to the Bajoran shrine to cry. Ezri tells Sisko she wants to quit Starfleet. Sisko uses tough love telling her maybe she should go and stir mud on the Trill homeworld and she doesn't deserve to be a Dax. O'Brien brings Worf a bottle of bloodwine from Bashir. Worf thinks treating Ezri like Jadzia dishonours Jadzia's memory, but O'Brien thinks treating her like a stranger is worse and asks Worf how Jadzia would want him to act. Ezri goes and tells Garak that the transmission he's decoded have given Starfleet an opening to attack a Cardassian sector. Garak has another attack, as this was all a clever ruse by Ezri! Garak feels bad because his code breaking is resulting in Cardassian deaths. Garak breaks down saying he's a traitor. Garak recovers in the infirmary. He admits he's beeen burying his guilt but will get back to work now as the Dominion must be stopped and thanks Ezri for her help. Ezri decides to stay in Starfleet (Sisko never submitted her resignation, obviously.) But she still wants to leave the station until Worf comes to see her. Worf tells her not to leave the station on his account, but he'll need some space for a while. There's a party and everyone's nice to Ezri. Jake thinks she's hot!

The problem with this episdoe is it goes out of its way to show how much Ezri's struggling. She gets space sick! She can't even decide what to eat! She struggles to help Garak! So when Garak (and to some extent Sisko ) rip into her some of the viewers are actually agreeing with what he says. That isn't the best way to introduce a new character! It doesn't help that Jadzia was very popular with viewers and a lot of them resented Ezri and didn't really want to watch an episode about her (even though de Boer is a better actress than Farrell, don't @ me.) And the actual reason behind Garak's attacks is really obvious, we see him having attacks while he's working on decoding the messages. It's pretty easy to figure out what's going on. Anyway, by the end they do a reasonable job turning it around and the scene with Worf is nice. But if you already dislike Ezri this episode won't change your mind. Fortunately I do like her.

SCORE: 7/10


Take me out to the Holo-suite - Asshole Vulcan Captain Solok comes to see Sisko. They don't get on. Solok's had two Christopher Pike medals and Sisko's only had one! His ship has to stay on at the staton for two weeks and he's got a special holosuite program. Sisko tells the senior staff that Solok's all Vulcan crew are all dicks and they've challenged Sisko's crew to a baseball game (Worf: "We will destroy them.") The crew struggle to understand the convoluted and boring rules of baseball. Rom and Leeta want to try out for the team since Nog's playing. They imporbably shame Quark into trying out too. Sisko talks in a weird southern voice when coaching (or is it just a generic baseball voice?) They all play catch and aren't very good. Sisko makes Odo the umpire. Quark ends up in the infirmary because Rom hit him with a bat. O'Brien injures his shoulder AGAIN and has to drop out of the game (Sisko is angry, but makes Miles a coach.) Kasidy just happens to be making a rare visit to the station so Sisko recruits her to the team. Rom is bad at basing the ball. Seriously why is Sisko talking in that voice? Solok smugly watches Rom be bad so Sisko kicks him off the team (being a dick about it.) Everyyone else tells Rom they'll quit because of the way Sisko treated him, but he tells them he wants them to play and win for him. O'Brien has scotch-flavoured gum and gives some to Bashir (this is a good part.)

Everyone practices (including Odo.) Sisko tells Kasidy how he's known Solok since the Academy. Solok has always said Vulcans are superior to humans and Sisko's always wanted to beat him but never has (Solok beat him at wrestling.) He's especially angry that Solok is using HIS GAME to prove Vulcan superiority again, but won't tell the crew this. Kasidy tells them despite promsing not to and they agree to win it for the Captain. Everyone stands for the Federation national anthem(?) on the holosuite before the game starts (how can they really fit a whole baseball field, with everyone standing so far apart, into Quark's tiny holosuite?) Worf says "death to the opposition." Sisko's team don't do well and the Vulcans keep "striking" them out. Worf is "struck out" and he and Sisko start yelling at Odo in an obnoxious way. Sisko touches Odo so Odo throws him out. O'Brien's in charge now. Leeta does an imporbably run-up-the-wall backflip in catching a ball. Worf says "find him and kill him!" when Nog has to "tag" a Vulcan for some reason in funny Worf line number three. Sisko loosens up and tells O'Brien to let Rom play. Rom does...something (the episode really don't explain baseball to non-fans) and the Niners score their first and only point. Everyone has a Rom party. Odo kicks Solok out for touching him. Sisko apologises to Rom. Sisko orders drinks to everyone and Solok is annoyed.

Okay, I don't like baseball. It's not a thing in this country and I don't like sports much in general anyway. That doesn't mean I'm biased against the episode, as I do think the Simpons softball episode is a classic. Knowing nothing about baseball doesn't hurt it at all becaue it's just so damn funny. And this episode just about gets by despite annoying me in places. Sisko is really obxnious in places with his asshole sports guy act and stupid voice. Yeah I know that's partly because of the Vulcan Captain riling him up (though I also feel the Vulcan is bit too much of a dick. Being a dick is an emotion!) but the weird voice and constant chewing is weird. Luckily there are some funny lines (mostly from Worf!) and the ending with Rom is pretty nice (and I usually hate Rom!) So it's fine but I'd like some heavier episodes soon please!

SCORE: 7/10
 
I don’t like baseball and I feel like this is another thing where the writers were fans so they found an excuse to turn a sci-fi show into something that suited their non-scifi tastes. Having said that, it is a good episode. It helps that everyone apart from Jake and Sisko are unfamiliar with the game so they don’t understand what’s going on much better than I do. And it’s nice to see all the main characters together for the best part of an episode. I can’t think of any other occasions this happens.
 
I do definitley get the feeling of the writers indulging themselves in the final season. This isn't even the last comedy holodeck episode!
 
Chrysalis - Bashir is lonely since all his friends (O'Brien and Odo basically) are coupled up. Nog tells him that "Admiral Patrick" wants to see him. It's Patrick from the Jack Pack in a Starfleet uniform and he's adorable. They've brought catatonic Sarina to the station so Bashir can fix her brain. After some expositionary dialogue (did you know Bashir was genetically engineered?) Sisko agrees to let Bashir go through with Sarina's treatment, despite Jack and the rest breaking the law again. Bashir explains what he's doing to Sarina to O'Brien as he needs the use of some technobabble machine and wants O'Brien to modify it. Colm Meaney gets to say "I can't break the lawas of physics!" But Jack and the others do it anyway. Bashir performs the procedure but five days later Sarina is still unresponsive. But then she starts walking around the Promenade looking at things and talking. Also it turns out she's hot. Sarina is able to talk to Jack, Patrick and the other one for the first time. She isn't great to speaking at first so Jack and the others teach her how with "do re mi." They can all sing because of genetic engineering I guess! They do a freestyle for a few minutes and Julian gets the hots for Sarina. This is the kind of scene that probably made me cringe when I was a teenager but it's kind of nice really. Goes on a bit long but not as long as Vic's songs. O'Brien misses his date with Bashir but Morn tells him about his seventeen brothers and sisters instead. Sarina goes to Bashir's quarters and tells him she doesn't want to sleep in case she wakes up catatonic again but he reassures her and she falls asleep on top of him.

Julian is further impressed by Sarina in the morning. Jack and Patrcik want to come up with a way to stop the universe expnading but Sarina tells them it can't be done. Sarina goes back to being quiet and tells Bashir it's how the others are used to her being. Bashir invites her out with his friends and she wears a dress. Sarina is conflicted between her new life and her loyalty to the Jack Pack. Bashir arranges for her to stay on the station while the others go back to the Institute. Jack isn't happy. Sarina keeps winning at Dabo by using her Rainman abilities. Sarina has a minor autism attack in the busy bar. Julian kisses her on the lips when saying goodnight to her minutes later. Umm, not the best idea. O'Brien warns Bashir that he's falling for her too fast and reminds him she's his patient. Bashir is just happy to have a girlfriend who is genetically engineered like him. Sarina slips back into her catatonic state when Bashir goes to visit her the next morning. This somehow makes her make-up disappear. Bashir gets Jack and the others to try to talk to her. They tell him that she can still talk but she's just afraid to. Bashir tells Sarina he loves her and asks if she feels the same way. She tells him she doesn't really understand what love is. She wishes she coud be the woman he wants her to be. Bashir gets her a job somewhere else and admits to O'Brien that he was an idiot to try to push a woman who'd just woken up from a lilfelong catatonic state into a relationship. O'Brien says Julian just didn't want to be lonely.

Oh dear. It starts off pretty good. Admiral Patrick is fun! Even the singing scene isn't really that bad. Sarina's actress is fairly good. It's interesting thinking about what it must be like for her. And even Bashir finding her attractive is believable at first. But actually pushing her into a relationship a few days after her brain's been repaired? While she's still having attacks at times? It's pretty silly! They try to explain it by having him tell O'Brien that genetically engineered people move faster, but that doesn't really work. The idea of Julian thinking he's found someone like him who he could possibly have a future with is fine, but it's way too rushed. And really the show hasn't established that Bashir is horribly lonely (outside of the teasers where two people he talks to are out on dates so can't hang out with him.) He dated fucking Leeta for months, surely he can tolerate some normal human as a partner? Anyway this isn't totally terrible but it's not good.

SCORE: 5.5/10


Treachery, Faith and The Great River - Odo massages Kira's naked back with his big changeling hands. O'Brien and Nog are busy fixing broken things in the station and Sisko wants O'Brien to fix the Defiant's gravity stabiliser in three days, even though the part he needs won't arrive for three weeks. Nog tells him he can get the part. Odo goes to meet with his old Cardassian contact in the cave (like in season 3!) but Weyoun is there instead. He is stunned when Weyoun tells him he's defecting from the Dominion. Weyoun tells him that everyone on Cardassia is trying to kill him as he's been made a scapegoat for the Dominion not winning the war yet. Rom uses his Ferengi skills to find someone who is willing to trade O'Brien for the part he needs. Odo's runabout is contacted by another Weyoun (and Damar.) He explains that Weyoun-5, the one we knew and loved, died in a mysterious transporter accident. The defector is Weyoun-6 and Weyoun-7 is still loyal to the Dominion. 7 wants 6 to activate his suicide device but he won't. 6 tells Odo that he's found the war to be wrong from the moment he was cloned, and wonders if he's really defective for doubting the Founders (his Gods.) 7 finds it suspicous that Damar was called away from the transporter pad just before 5 died. He doesn't want the Jem'Hadar ship chasing Odo to catch him as it could mean Odo's death. Damar argues it's necessary and convinces Weyonun-7 not to tell the Jem'Hadar that Odo is on the runabout. Kira tells O'Brien that Sisko's desk is missing. Nog tells him he loaned it to someone who like to take selfies sitting at famous Captains' tables (Picard is mentioned.) It's part of a complex series of trades to get the part O'Brien needs, all based on rumours Rom has heard. O'Brien doesn't think it'll work but Nog assures him that he must have faith in "the great material continuum." It's a great river of needs and wants they must navigate.

Weyoun-6 has a nightmare about betraying his people and wants Odo to conduct his debriefing. The Jem'Hadar attack them but Weyoun uses his knowledge of their ships to blow them up. Odo questions his belief in the Founders but 6 thinks real Gods program their subjects to believe in them. Nog steals some of Martok's bloodwine to trade. The Female Changeling shows up and 7 doesn't tell her that Odo's on the runabout. Damar notices her face is looking dry and cracked. Weyoun-6 tells Odo the story of how the Vorta were created to Odo. They used to be primatives who lived in trees and one day they saved a Founder who was being hunted by angry solids. The Founders promised to one day make the Vorta what they are now. He tells Odo that a sickness is spreading through the Great Link (the Female Changeling told him the rest of the Link have it. The show seems to have settled on FC being the only Founder in the AQ.) He wants Odo, who isn't sick, to be the new leader of the Dominion and rectify the mistakes they've made. More Jem'Hadar ships catch up with them and the runabout hides in some nearby comet fragments. O'Brien gets Sisko a new desk that looks nothing like the old one. Martok comes in demanding his bloodwine (Nog used his authorisation code.) It's cold inside the comet and the Jem'Hadar find the runabout. There' an exciting chase scene before 6 contacts Damar and 7. He activates his suicide device as he knows it's the only way to save Odo's life (and the Dominion itself, he believes.) 7 calls the attack off despite Damar's objections. 6 asks Odo to give him his blessing as he dies. Odo does so to make him feel better. Back on the station O'Brien finds Nog has returned with Sisko's desk and has the stabiliser they need. He also got Martok some even better bloodwine. Kira tells Odo that he was right to give Weyoun his blessing as Weyoun believed in him the same way she believes in the Prophets.

Deep Space Nine is back! This is the best episode since 'In The Pale Moonlight' and while they've not all been shit since then, it's nice to have an episode that reminds you why DS9 is a contender fo the best Trek series (I like TNG a lot too and am not willing to commit.) Weyoun is always a fascinating character and it's great to see a "nice" Weyoun. The B-plot is good fun though it's kind of a shame Jake wasn't involved since he used to have those kind of plots with Nog. One thing I'm not sure I buy is Weyoun-7 being fine with Odo dying and lying to the FC. I don't think Weyoun-5 would have done that since he genuinely seemed to worship Odo. Then again this is another new Weyoun and maybe he came out more "evil" while 6 came out more nice.

Score: 9/10
 
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