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Wacky Reviews: Star Trek

The Most Toys - The Enterprise sees a shuttle with Data in it blow up, but really he's been abducted by a trader named Kivas Fajo. He collects rare items and has added Data to his collection. He even has an old baseball card smelling of bubblegum and an extinct alien pet that looks like something from Flight of the Navigator. Data attempts to escape but Fajo seems to have thought of everything and has a personal forcefield. Geordi and Wesley are really sad about Data being dead and go through his stuff (including the famous Tasha hologram.) But Geordi is still wondering how it could have possibly happened. Fajo's assistant Varria tries to get Data to cooperate. Data questions if she has morals. Geordi goes to Picard and Riker wanting to investigate further, as Data couldn't possibly have made a piloting error. Picard picks Worf to replace Data at Ops. Data tries non violent resistance with Fajo, who wants to know if he's ever killed anyone. Data says he hasn't but can if necessary. Fajo melts Data's uniform so that he has to put the clothes he picked for him on. Troi talks to Worf, who has been promoted after the death of a friend for the second time.

Geordi finds out that Data didn't follow protocol and that can't possibly be right. Fajo tries to show off Data to one of his slimey friends but Data resists this time by refusing to talk or move. It's pretty clever! Fajo isn't happy. Picard accidentally calls Worf "Data" in a good brutally sad moment. Data tries to copy the Mona Lisa's smile. Fajo wants Data to sit on his chair and shows him the rare and banned varon-t disruptor, which kills people in a horrible way. He threatens Varria with it to get Data to sit in the chair. Worf does some investigating as part of his new job and finds out that Fajo faked the crisis which he had to trade with the Enterprise to solve. They try to hunt down Fajo. Varria goes to Data wanting to escape (which makes sense given that Fajo just threatened to murder her) and they beat up some of Fajo's goons. Fajo shoots Varria with the disruptor and she dies in agony. Data gets the disruptor but Fajo isn't worried because he doesn't think Data would hurt him. Data says he can't allow Fajo to go on killing people and appears to be about to shoot him, when O'Brien beams him out. He deactivates the weapon. Riker tells Data it was in a state of discharge and Data says perhaps something happened during transport, neither confirming or denying that he fired the weapon. Data goes to see Fajo and tells him he's lost his collection now. Fajo says it must give him great pleasure but Data says he's only an android. OR IS HE?

This episode seems pretty straightforward: crazy collector guy adds Data to his collection. It's a pretty standard story but it's really well done. One of the main reasons it's so good is that Saul Rubinek gives an excellent guest performance as Fajo. He's one of the best one off villains to appear in Trek at this point (and still to this day, probably!) Brent Spiner is great as usual and they work perfectly together. We also get some very good stuff witht he Enterprise crew reactiong to Data's apparent death. The thing that's always stuck with me about the episode is the scene where Data apparently attempts to kill him. Did Data really pull the trigger or did "something occur during transport"? Did Data lie or was his wording ambiguous enough that it wasn't a lie? We don't really know! I think in context of the episode it has to be that Data fired the weapon. But if that's the case, surely the closing scene should have had Fajo question him about that? I don't, but it's still a great episode!

SCORE: 9/10
 
I always thought Data was going to kill him, but didn't want to admit it.

Saul was great in unforgiven, if you haven't seen that film, why the hell haven't you?
 
Sarek - It's the one with Sarek in it, surprisingly! He's got a new human wife and Picard mentions that he met Sarek before, at his son's wedding. Sybok's wedding!? Sarek's aides say he is to go straight to his quarters, but Sarek wants a look around. He acts a bit weird. Geordi and Wesley fight over who is worse with girls. It's pretty funny! Sarek attends a recital (Data's playing, and one really old male Lt., who I kind of love now?) and starts crying during it. Picard notices and Troi senses his emotions. Wesley goes and sees his mother and she slaps him for not attending the concert. Finally, some good parenting! Then O'Brien starts a drunken bar brawl, which is in character. Riker and Worf try to break it up and Riker gets punched! Crusher thinks Sarek has "Bendi Syndrome" which causes older Vulcans to lose emotional control and telepathically project their emotions on random people. Sarek's aides deny it at first, but Data appeals to the logic of his Vulcan aide, who has been using his own telepathic powers to cover up for Sarek up until now.

Picard and Data talk about the ravages of old age. Riker gets angry at everyone protecting Sarek and he and Picard shout at each other. Uh oh! Sarek's wife denies that he has the disease and Sarek walks in. Picard wants to dely the conference Sarek will be attending but Sarek says he's fine. Picard reveals to Sarek that his Vulcan aide has been covering for him, which Sarek didn't know. Picard tells him about the outbreaks of violence too. Sarek still doesn't want to accept that he has the disease and Mark Lenard does some strong acting as he starts breaking down. Sarek's wife wants Picard to let him keep his dignity by going through with the conference and ending his career with a win. If Sarek mind melds with Picard he can offload his emotions into him for a while. They mind meld under Crusher's supervision. Sarek starts calling Riker "number one" and goes through with the conference. Meanwhile Picard goes hyper emotional while Crusher helps him (couldn't she just sedate him? I guess it wouldn't work then?) He mentions Amanda and even Spock! But not Michael Burnham. Patrick Stewart goes big in this scene (because Sarek's emotions have been buried for so long) and even if you don't like it you've got to admit it's hard to take your eyes off it.

It's a strong episode hitting on themes of old age and senility. Mark Lenard is as great as ever and letting him and Patrick Stewart act off each other is a good idea! I also enjoy the parts with the crew getting angry and O'Brien starting a massive brawl. It's also a rare episode (at this point) that bridges the gap between TOS and TNG. Another win for season three!

SCORE: 9/10
 
Menage a Troi - And we go from that to...a comedy episode with Lwaxana and the Ferengi. They're at a trade conference on Betazoid (I think...I don't really care) and a Betazoid guy mentions that they can't read the Ferengi's minds. Even though we've seen Deanna doing so several times before. One of the Ferengi has the hots for Lwaxana and wants to use her powers (his friend is played by Ethan "Neelix" Phillips) but she rejects him. Lwaxana keeps making racist remarks about Ferengi. She does her usual boring thing of demanding that Deanna get married soon. Wesley is leaving the ship for Starfleet Academy after he completes the oral exam. Picard gives Riker and Deanna shore leave on Betazoid. They kiss each other, but Lwaxana and the Fireman show up. The Daimon beams down to hit on Lwaxana agan. This is really boring. Does she have to keep saying that fucking "daughter of the fifth house" thing again and again. He kidnaps her, and Riker and Deanna for some reason. They remove the Trois' clothes. The Daimon does give Lwaxana clothes but then a bed slides out. Wesley thinks about what it'll be like to leave the Enterprise. RIker beat a Ferengi at 3D chess earlier and tries to goad him into another game. Lwaxana and Daimon have boring conversations and Oomax is mentioned for the first time.

Riker breaks out. Lwxana keeps wanking the Daimon's ears and he nearly gives up his access code before Neelix stops him. He wants to mind probe her. The Enterprise finds out about the kidnapping. Riker sends a message to the Enterprise that sounds like the music they heard earlier. Lwaxana is tortured. Wesley has to leave, but figures out Riker's secret message and runs to the Bridge, missing out on his Starfleet exams. This is REALLY STUPID because he could have just hit his comm badge and told Data what it was in five seconds. Lwxana agrees to be the Ferengi's partner to save Riker and Deanna, but the Enterprise shows up. Lwaxana pretends that Picard is her boyfriend and he has to fight to get her back. Hey, it's the ony good scene in the episode! Nearly forty minutes in! Patrick Stewart does some hilariously (intentionally) bad acting reciting poetry. The Daimon is scared Picard will kill him and gives Lwaxana up. She comes onto Picard so he sets a course to Betazed at WARP NINE. Picard grants Wesley a field promotion to full Ensign He gets to wear a Starfleet uniform for the first time.

Okay, so Wesley getting to wear a uniform is actualy a nice moment. Riker sending the message makes Riker look smart. And the part with Picard reciting poetry is funny. But otherwise this is boring. It's a comedy episode that isn't actually funny. What's the point of it? Lwaxana is terrible and unlikable for the whole episode, Riker and Troi nearly get back together than it's never mentioned agian, the Ferengi are still idiots...it's really not needed!

SCORE: 3/10
 
Transfigurations - "It is the scent that first speaks of love" are Worf's words of advice to Geordi, who wants to talk to Christy, the girl he went on a disastrous Holodeck date with in 'Booby Trap'. It's brilliant. Then his neurons are connected (or someting) to an injued man by Crusher because he needed some neurons. The injured guy was found alone on a planet and nobody knows who he is, so they start calling him John Doe. He has mutating cells. Geordi sees Christy in Ten Forward again and this time he smoothly asks her out. Worf says "I have be tutoring him!" in another great line. Then we go back to Crusher and John talking, which isn't all that interesting (and we've skipped forward a month!) He still can't remember anything about his life. Geordi's been having lots of sex for the last month. O'Brien's hurt his shoulder kayaking in the Holodeck and John Doe heals him. Yep, he's Space Jesus. Geordi and Data finally figure out how to access John's storage capsule, after over a month. They find out where he came from. He doesn't want to go back to his people, but can't remember why. Sigh.

John has a boring talk with Crusher about his body evolving as part of a journey. John's chest starts glowing like E.T. when his people approach the Enterprise. He tries to steal a shuttle and accidentally kills Worf(!) with his glowing. But he resurrects Worf right away with more glowing. That glowing can do anything! Despite just murdering Worf, Geordi still thanks John for giving him a new confidence. An alien shows up who John recognises. He says John is an escaped prisoner and wants Picard to return him so he can kill him. John says he'll surrender if necessary, but he doesn't think he's an escaped prisoner. But he still can't remebmer what he is. John is quite frustrating. Crusher wants to protect him. The aliens manage to cut off all the oxygen in the Enterprise. John finally gets his memory back (randomly) and heals the whole ship. He finally explains to Picard and the evil guy that his species have started evolving into energy beings and he's the first of his species to do so. He turns into a being of light. He's going to spread the word to the rest of his species. He indicates that he's in love with Crusher even though they showed no sign of that during the whole episode. And then he fucks off.

Yeah, that is one of those forgettable episodes that no one remembers. Because of it being forgettable. It's not terrible, but it's dull. John Doe isn't very compelling, Crusher is the most boring main character so I don't care if she has the hots for him (and Gates McFadden fails to convey having the hots for him anyway) and he spends most of the episode saying "I don't remember!" There's some good Worf/Geordi stuff (that ends up going nowhere) and that's about it.

SCORE: 5.5/10
 
The Best of Both Worlds: Part 1 - The Enterprise responds to a distress call and finds nothing but a big crater in the ground. Commander Shelby, a Borg expert, comes onboard the Enterprise with plans for some kind of Borg weapon. Admiral Hanson (George Murdock, who played "God" in Star Trek V as a fun fact!) tells Picard that Shelby would make a Hell of a first officer, so Riker's been offered another command. Riker is perturbed when Shelby tells him she wants his job. She joins the poker game (Wesley's there too!) and calls Riker's bluff. Shelby also beams down to the crater planet early, pissing off Riker. Picard asks Riker what the Hell is he still doing on the Enterprise? He's ready for command! Riker asks Troi what happened to his ambition. He continues to clash with Shelby. Hanson reports a Borg attack so the Enterprise warps to the scene. The Enterprise reaches a Borg Cube, some great music plays and Picard utters his classic "we have engaged the Borg" line. This is good stuff! The Borg hail Picard by name and say they want him. The Borg quickly adapt to the Enterprise's modulating shields. The Enterprise can't damage the Cube and the Borg attack engineering. Geordi does his "roll under the door" move! 11 dead. Shelby buys them some time and they flee to a nebula (like in Wrath of Khan!) where the Borg can't find them for a while.

Shelby comes up with some tactics and continues clashing with Riker. Shelby goes over Riker's head by going directly to Picard. He tells her off and she bluntly tells him he's in her way and he's been playing it safe for too long. Picard goes to see Guinan and talks about the possibility of human civilisation being wiped out, another page in history turned. Guinan thinks if there's any humans left alive they will rise again. Also she knows Picard is going to be alive to time travel and meet her in the past later. The Borg find them in the nebula. They beam onto the Bridge and abduct Picard. The Borg are headed straight for Earth. The Borg say "we will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own" and talk about things being irrelevant. They want a human voice to speak for them and have chosen Picard (the best human.) Riker wants to lead the Away Team to the Cube but Troi tells him he's Captain for the moment and he reluctantly puts Shelby in command of the Away Team. Shelby, Worf, Data and Crusher beam over to the Cube. Admiral Hanson and the fleet prepare to intercept the Borg at Wolf-359. That sounds familiar. The Away Team start shooting power nodes and get chased by the Borg. Riker's prepares to use the Enterprise's new weapon. Picard has been turned into a Borg and the Away Team can't save him. The Cube is recovering and Riker doesn't have long to use the weapon. Picard appears on the viewscreen and says he is Locutus of Borg and resistence is futile. Riker orders Worf to fire. TO BE CONTINUED!?

If you don't know about this episode...that's pretty weird. Everyone knows about this episode! It's great and it still holds up 27 years later. It invented the summer cliffhanger (I think...don't look it up.) The music is super memorable. The Borg are still terrifying. The Riker/Shelby stuff is strong and the kind of thing we wouldn't have seen in TNG a season earlier. Michael Piller's contract was up so he wrote an ending that would be really hard to get out of and said "well, see ya!" But then he came back for season four and had to conclude it! Will it be as great? Let's find out!

SCORE: 10/10
 
The Best of Both Worlds: Part 2 - Worf fires the weapon but it doesn't damage the Borg. Picard knew about the weapon so the Borg knew too. Locutus even throws shade at Riker, calling him "Number One." The Enterprise is weakened from using its weapon and can't join the battle at Wolf-359, but Hanson reports they have lots of ships and the Klingons will be helping them out. Hanson says Picard is a casuality of war and promotes Riker to Captain. So Riker ends up as a Captain...but not in a way anyone would have predicted! We see Picard crying, trapped in his new Borg body. Riker tells Shelby he's impressed with her even though they've clashed and makes her his first officer. Hanson sends a message saying the fight isn't going well. Crusher and Data come up with a plan to use destructive nanites (Wesley's stupid thing) against the Borg. Hmm, I wonder if the Borg have any experience with nanites? Guinan goes to talk to Riker and sits in Picard's chair. She tells him he'll have to let go of Picard. Riker takes Picard's chair. They arrive at the Wolf System (sounds cool!) and find loads of wrecked ships (including the one Riker was going to be promoted to Captain of.) Riker takes command of the Battle Bridge(!) as they're finally seperating the saucer again! Riker talks to Locutus but he just wants to assimilate them. The saucer seperates. Picard knew about this plan but that was part of Riker's plan. The Borg ignore the saucer and Shelby fucks them up with anti-matter. Data and Worf sneak over to the Cube on a shuttle.

They manage to rescue Locutus and O'Brien (the real hero) beams them back before their shuttle is destroyed. Crusher revives Picard but he's still in Borg mode. He's go about telling everyone they'll be assimilated. He isn't impressed with Data! The Borg reach Earth's system. Data, Crusher and O'Brien do some technobabble to get through to the real Picard. Data enters the Borg neural net (or something) and learns how they're controlled. The real Picard wakes up. Crusher says the Borg's weakness is that they can't cut off someone who is part of their consciousness. The Borg attack and Data can't work out which command to implant in them until Picard says "sleep, Data." Riker's ready to ram the Borg ship but Data tells him to stop and puts the Borg to sleep (regeneration mode), which also somehow causes the Borg Cube to self destruct. A bit of a stretch but let's go with it. Picard is cut off from the Borg and is himself again, but he remembers everything. Shelby says Riker will have his choice of any ship once the fleet is back up and running in a year, but he says his career plans are his own business. Picard looks out his Ready Room window at Earth.

No, it's not quite as good as part 1, but it's not really a disppointment either. It's an exciting episode and the way the Borg are defeated makes a fair amount of Star Trek sense. Patrick Stewart is a lot of fun as Locutus and Riker in command is still good. The weak point is that the Riker/Shelby dramatic from the first episode is severely reduce (which does make sense since they're fighting the Borg together, but still) and the whole "will Riker take his own command!?" story is just wrapped up with Riker saying "none of your business!" Anyway, it's still a really good episode.

SCORE: 9/10
 
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