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Wacky Reviews: Star Trek

Almost plausible! Since Woody (the character) was an actor in community theater and even played Mark Twain -- IS HE IN TIME'S ARROW TOO??
 
Galaxy's Child - Geordi's former Holodeck crush Leah Brahms is coming on board the Enterprise. Guinan warns him not to expect the real Leah to fall for him, but Geordi says at least they'll be great friends. Right away Leah accuses him of fucking up her engine designs. Geordi tries to explain why he made all the changes after they argue a bit more. She starts to warm to him a bit, maybe. Meanwhile the Enterprise finds a spacewhale. Another one! Picard really likes it. The spacewhale tries to suck power from the Enterprise. Picard reluctantly has the Enterprise shoot the spacewhale with its phasers on minimum power and it dies. Picard is sad because he loves all living things. It's good Star Trekking. Geordi is having a meeting with Leah and stages it like a date. Even though he told Guinan he didn't expect Leah to want him romantically It all gets a bit creepy when Leah arrives and he starts talking about her hair being different from the holodeck version of her that he kissed. She realises that he has the hots for her and leaves. Data finds out that the spacewhale was pregnant and Picard wants to save the baby. Geordi shows Leah some modifications he made in his tubes and she's impressed. Geordi still doesn't tell her about the whole Holodeck thing and lies and says he's studied her work. Leah tells him that she's married and Geordi is shocked. How could he not know? Surely that would be on her Spacefacebook profile that he definitely would have looked up?

Crusher and the Enterprise help deliver the baby spacewhale. Geordi is sad with Guinan because he's a nice guy and Leah doesn't like him. Guinan says he must have been wearing his "old VISOR" when he was on the Holodeck, the one that lets him see exactly what he wants to see. OH SNAP. The baby spacewhale follows the ship because it thinks the Enterprise is its mother. It starts sucking power from the Enterprise like it's breast-feeding. Picard won't kill it like he did its mother. Geordi and Leah work together to solve the problem, but Leah looks into his engine modifications and finds out about the Holodeck version of herself. She says Geordi has violated her. Geordi flips out at her, which is a bit unreasonable of him. "Every time you touch my engines you're touchign me" is a pretty creepy line! Geordi tries to make her feel bad by saying he was just offering friendship. This scene really doesn't work at all and just makes Geordi look like a dick. The baby becomes a threat to the Enterprise. Leah suggests "souring the milk" and Geordi comes up with some technobabble way to do so. After some light flickering drama they get rid of the baby and Geordi and Leah are friends again. Geordi says he's glad he got to know the real Doctor Brahms. He husband calls and Geordi is alone again.

This episode is...okay. The spacewhale stuff is decenet. I like how sad PIcard is that he killed the motherwhale. The Geordi/Leah stuff is pretty iffy. I don't think Geordi did anything too wrong in the previous episode (as long as he didn't actually have sex with the Leah hologram) and they could have done a good story about people not living up to the version you have of them in your head from that. But instead it ends up with Geordi yelling at Leah for not being nice to him. It makes him look pathetic. Then they solve a problem together and that magically makes things okay again. That happens way too often in TNG! So yeah, this is perfectly watchable but it's hard to have sympathy with Geordi by the end.

SCORE: 7/10
 
Thank you for verbalizing everything that has made me wonder why I should feel weird about this episode. Geordi WAS written as a dick (not just in this episode but in several others), but I'm so in love with the premise that I overlooked how sloppily it was executed.

Oh and THIS...
CaptainWacky said:
Surely that would be on her Spacefacebook profile that he definitely would have looked up?
Click to expand...
...made it ART. :sarek:
 
Night Terrors - The Enterprise finds a missing starship with most of its crew dead in mysterious circumstances. That happens a lot. The only person left alive is a catatonic Betazoid. Crusher explains that the crew all killed each other and they watch a log of the Captain freaking out. This is all very familiar. Meanwhile Troi has a dream where her cleavage is flying in clouds and a voice is talking about one moon circling a planet or something. She keeps saying "where are you!" and it's pretty lame. Other crewmembers start seeing and hearing things. Miles snaps at Keiko. Their marriage has been troubled so far! The engines don't work because the ship is trapped in some weird anomaly. Everyone is tired and irritated and hearing horror movie noises. Picard freaks out in the turbolift. He tells Data he doesn't want to turn into a feeble old man and needs to rely on Data. There's a really creepy scene where Crusher's in the morgue and she sees all the dead bodies sitting up. It's genuinely one of the scariest things ever in Star Trek!

Crusher works out that the crew have stopped having dreams and that's why they're imagining things when they're awake. People are getting all paranoid in Ten Forward, thinking Picard is doing an experiment on everyone. Riker's hair is messy. Worf tries to kill himself because he hasn't done anyting for a while. Troi stops him. Data takes over command because the humans can't function. Troi's been trying to get answers out of the Betazoid but he just keeps going on about the one moon circling. They eventually work out that there's another ship they need to communicate with. Troi finally works out that the message from the aliens is refering to Hyrdogen. O'Brien gets into a fight in Ten Forward, like always. Guinan shoots a phaser rifle into the air to stop a riot, which is amusing. The Enterprise fires some Hyrdogen and Troi does her "where are you!" thing again. It's bad. The plan works and the Enterprise is freed. Now everyone can get a good night's sleep!!!!!!

This episode does have a good atmosphere. It's creepy, the closest thing yet Star Trek has done to a pure horror episode. But it also doesn't have much story! We've seen the crew freak out before and they don't do anything here that's much more interesting, apart from Crusher's morgue scene. The central mystery with the aliens asking for Hydrogen is pretty lame. Why didn't they just say "give us some Hydrogen!" to Troi? They can speak English in her dream! So yeah the creepiness saves the episode from being a complete waste of time but it's not great or anything.

SCORE: 7/10
 
Identity Crisis - Members of an away team Geordi was once on have started to disappear. Only Geordi and his friend Susanna are left. Fortunately Geordi doesn't go all creepy around this girl. They track another of the away team members to the planet they all visited years ago. They find the missing officer's clothes while Susanna starts acting weird. Geordi beams her to Sickbay. He tries to comfort her when she's worried she's going to run off like the others. Crusher talks to Data, who she thinks is worried about Geordi. Susanna's still going crazy wanting to return to the planet. She starts mutating. Crusher thinks the away team are being transformed into another species. And Geordi is sick too! He's jus the last one to turn because he's a main character. Geordi does his own investigation. Susanna completely turns into an alien.

Geordi creates a holodeck receation of the original away team mission (which just happened to have been recorded.) This is the best part of the episode as it's quite creepy and we get to watch people walking backwards and stuff. Geordi finds a shadow of a humanoid with no source. It's a thorough analysis by Geordi. He creates the shape that would likely cast the shadow and that makes him freak out and start to mutate. Geordi turns invisible(!) and knocks the transporter chief over (NOT O'Brien, who would have kicked Geordi's arse) and beams down to the planet. Crusher manages to save Susanna. She reveals that the aliens reproduce by turning other species into their own. She thinks she's the only one who can find Geordi. They find Geordi and the others all glowing. Geordi has eyes again! Susanna manages to talk him into coming back to the ship for treatment. They hug. It's interesting that the let the guest character have the big hero moment of the episode, I guess. The other officers are too far gone and can't be saved but Geordi turns back human (and needs his VISOR again.)

This episode was written by Brannon Braga, who will go on to write many episodes where aliens manipulate DNA in implausible ways. It's solid but unspectacular. Geordi is back to his old likable self at least, but the story is really straightforward. People start to change. Geordi changes. He's fixed. His friendship with Susanna is nice but there's no deep character work there. The Holodeck scene is good. But it's just another TNG episode really.

SCORE: 7.5/10
 
The Nth Degree - Barclay is doing some bad acting as Cyrano de Bergerac with Crusher. Barclay still isn't very confident, but Troi tries to reassure him like always. An alien probe shows up at the Argus Array (big space telescope) and Geordi and Barclay go to investigate it. Barclay is knocked out by the probe but he seems to be fine. He starts acting weird (in a different way from normal Barclay) and seems more intelligent. The probe approaches the Enterprise and can't be stopped. Barclay comes up with a way to increae the strength of the shields and the Enterprise destroys the probe. Barclay comes up with a super genius way to repair the Argus Array. He acts with Crusher again and is much better now. Troi tells him he's changed. He starts hitting on her. Barclay hangs out with Einstein in the Holodeck and teaches him some things.

Crusher finally does some tests on his brain and finds his intelligence has been greatly increased. The two hemispheres of his brain are acting as one! The Argus Array starts to fail and Barclay creates a new way to interface with the computer on the Holodeck to stop it. Barclay takes over control of the ship's computer. He's stuck in there. Picard wants Data and Geordi to come up with a way to get control of the ship back. Barclay asks Geordi if people are scared of him now then tells him he can make the Enterprise move faster than warp and explore strange new worlds never dreamed of before. Troi tries to talk Barclay down but he tells her to trust him. Barclay makes a crazy space gateway open. Worf tries to shoot him but it doesn't work and Barclay takes them through the gateway while time moves more slowly. The Enterprise is taken to an area of space they've never been to before and a big floaty head appears on the Bridge. Barclay is back to normal now and explains that the aliens explore the galaxy by bringing others too them with their probes. Troi goes on her date with Barclay and he shows his skill in 3D chess, which he's never played before, SO MAYBE HE'S STILL A GENIUS.

It's another strong performance from Dwight Schultz! The plot is ripped off from the novel 'Contact' a bit, but it's still pretty good. Barclay interfaced with the computer is quite creepy looking and it's fun watching him be super smart. So yeah, it's a solid episode.

SCORE: 8/10
 
And Barclay and Troi’s relationship continued in secret until Voyager returned home and Troi gave birth to a nervous 1/4 Betazoid baby that’s even more vague than her.
 
Qpid - Picard is preparing to make a boring speech to archaeologists. Vash shows up in his quarters and they kiss. Picard acts awkward in the morning when Crusher comes by. Vash is hurt that Jean Luc didn't tell his friends about her. Riker hits on Vash, of course. Picard continues to be embarrassed, Vash continues to say "he never told you about me!?" to everyone. It's all a bit boring? Q shows up, at least. Q wants to give Picard a gift for helping him the last time. Picard finds out Vash is going to visit some forbidden ruins, they have a fight, blah blah blah it's boring. Q makes fun of him and says Vash is Picard's weakness. Picard starts his speech but everyone starts turning into Robin Hood characters. Picard and the other main characters are transported to Sherwood Forest in full costumes. Data is bald! Worf instantly says "I AM NOT A MERRY MAN" which...I mean, it's funny, I guess, but would Worf really say that? It's a bit silly. They're attacked by stock Robin Hood villains.

Q shows up at the Sheriff of Nottingham and says Maid Marion (Vash) will be executed tomorrow unless Picard saves her. Guy of Gisborne asks Vash to marry him and she slaps him. Geordi's playing his lute and Worf walks over and smashes it against a tree and says "sorry." This is funnier than the "merry man" line because it feels more natural! Picard says he's going to rescue Vash by himself to not endanger the crew and orders Riker to stay behind. I WONDER HOW THAT WILL END. Vash shocks Q by agreeing to marry Guy. Picard shows up to rescue Vash. She doesn't like how he takes command so she hands him over to Guy. Q goes to Vash and tells her he finds her interesting, but also finds a letter she was sending to Riker to rescue Picard. Vash and Picard are both to be executed but Riker and friends show up to rescue them anyway. Q eats grapes during the fight scene. The men fight with swords but Troi and Crusher just hit people with jugs. Picard kills Guy. If this was a Rick and Morty episode, Q would have revealed that Guy and all his men were all real people who the Enterprise crew just murdered. Everyone is sent back to the Enterprise except Vash. She shows up in his Ready Room and reveals she's going to travel with Q now. Why would Q be interested in travelling with a human? It's not really clear, but I guess they thought it was a good way to get rid of Vash.

Fuck me that was shit. It's a comedy episode that isn't funny (aside from a couple of Worf moments.) It's the laziest, most pointless use of Q yet. It might as well have been a Holodeck malfunction episode. Vash is still pretty good and still has some chemistry with Picard, but all they do is have a lame argument about him not telling his friends about her, then she goes off with Q for some reason. Ira Steven Beher will write some great episode of DS9, but he'll also write many more terrible comedy episodes and this is just the first of them. Somebody should have stopped him.

SCORE: 3.5/10
 
The Drumhead - A Klingon exchange officer is suspected of trying to sabotage the warp core and working with the Romulans. He tells Worf he has "powerful friends" who could help restore his name, but Worf smacks him about a bit. Retired Admiral Norah Satie (KISS frontman Gene Simmons) comes onboard to investigate. She's given credit for exposing the conspiracy against Starfleet command three years ago, when really Picard and Riker exposed it by blowing up that guy's head. Worf has found out how the Klingon was transporting information off the ship and Satie is impressed by him. Worf questions the Klingon and he admits to working with the Romulans, but claims he didn't sabotage the warp core. Satie thinks there's a bigger problem on the ship than just this one Klingon. She talks to Picard about her father, who used to make her and her brothers debate at the dinner table every night. Sounds horrible. Satie and her aides interrogate more people. They question a crewman who is part Vulcan. Her Betazoid aide says he's lying about something and he thinks he's the traitor. Picard starts to get hesitant now. Geordi and Data investigate the explosion that damaged the warp core and find that it was natural and not the result of sabotage. Satie and her Betazoid still think there's a conspiracy and Worf wans to continue investigating the part Vulcan lad.

Satie opens her hearing to spectators, because spies don't like many eyes on them. Picard doesn't like this! Luckily the crewman now has Riker as his counsel. The Betazoid reveals that the crewman's grandfather was actually a Romulan, not a Vulcan. Satie is all turned on by this. Picard goes to Worf and tells him about drumhead trials. Worf wants to seek out all enemies and destroy them. Picard talks to the crewman (I keep calling him that because I can't be bothered looking up how to spell his name) and believes him when he says he isn't a spy. He tells Satie it's time to end the investigation but she doesn't agree. She talks about how she has no life but she has a purpose: to protect the Federation. She's going to expand the hearings and investigate everyone on the ship. Another Admiral comes onboard to witness the hearings. Picard is questioned next and makes a statement first, asking Satie to end this. She tells him he's violated the Prime Directive nine times since taking command. The Betazoid brings up stuff from previous episodes, such as the Romulan spy from 'Data's Day'. Worf tries to defend Picard but his father being a Romulan ally is brought up. Satie brings up the Borg next. Picard repeats words her father once spoke about freedom being trodden on. Satie goes nuts. The other Admiral walks out. She's gone too far! Worf goes to Picard because he feels bad.

It's a strong episode for sure. Jean Simmons is a good guest star, Patrick Stewart is great as always. It has a good message. There's good use of continuity. It's maybe slightly hurt by the part where Satine goes mad in Picard's hearing though? It makes her seem evil, rather than being a good woman who's been working to uncover conspiracies for so long that it's gotten to her. But yeah it's still a great episode.

SCORE: 9/10
 
Half A Life - We start with the dreaded words "my mother is onboard" and Picard trying to get away from Lwaxana. A scientist (why do they have to make alien names so silly so that I have to look up how to spell them? His name is Timicin) from a relusive race comes on the Enterprise and Lwaxana decides to hassle him instead of Picard for a change. He's trying to save his planet's sun before he dies. Lwaxana's being annoying as fuck on the Bridge. Timicin likes her for some reason. She shows up in Engineering being annoying while Timicin, Geordi and Data are trying to save his dying son. Seriously somebody stop her. Their romance continues. He does a test run to try to save a sun but the sun blows up. So that's a failed test. He tells Lwaxana that he wishes they had met years ago, as he's going home to die. His people kill themselves when they reach age sixty. She wants Picard to stop it. Isn't she an ambassador? Shouldn't she understand the Prime Directive? She throws a tantrum because O'Brien won't beam her down. Majel Barrett does some AWFUL acting crying about him having to die. Seriously, I'm actually trying to be kind here but she's really bad. It's supposed to be a scene where we her own feelings of growing old are coming to the surface. The intent is good. It's just not well acted! Sorry!

Timicin explains that his planet used to let people get old and ill and have to go into homes. They kill people at sixty out of kindness. She says it's stupid (which it is, really.) She says it would be better for his grandson to be able to get to know him. They keep arguing. It's a better scene than the previous one, and while Barrett's acting still isn't great it's at least slightly better! Timicin sees a way that he could save the sun, but it's going to take time. He asks Picard for asylum so he doesn't have to kill himself yet. His people send warships after the Enterprise to get him to come back and kill himself. Timicin 's daughter (future Lost star Michelle Forbes) comes on the Enterprise to talk her father into killing himself. Michelle Forbes acts the Hell out of the scene, saying she loves him but she's ashamed. Lwaxana feels bad and worries that she was wrong to talk Timicin into not killing himself and that she did it for herself. Timicin decides to go home and die and not be selfish. Lwxana decides to join him at his ceremony, as is custom.

The episode isn't too bad, really. Look, I don't like Lwxana Troi. She's really annoying at the start of the episode. This is the first attempt to give her a more serious storyline, but her terrible acting in the transporter room scene nearly ruins that. Thankfully David Ogden Stiers does a great job playing Timicin, and Majel Barrett is better in other scenes. It's a classic Star Trek story about a a strange alien ritual that we don't understand but can't interfere with. I like that he goes to die in the end (and I guess their sun blows up anyway and they all die?) It's just hard to get through some of it because Lwxana's so grating.

SCORE: 7/10
 
The Host - Crusher is having a romance with the Trill ambassador Odan. He's some forehead alien with something mysterious in his stomach! There's important peace talks about two warring moons going on with some woman in a hat. Odan doesn't like using the transporter. Crusher and Troi go for beauty treatments and talk about boys. She thinks she's in love. We get quite a few scenes showing how happy they are. The shuttle Riker and Odan are on is attacked by one of the moons and Odan is injured. Crusher sees the mysterious stomach now and Odan reveals that his the parasite and his body is just a host. He needs a new host body from the Trill homeworld. Transporters damage Trill symbionts. Let's remember all this Trill stuff when DS9 starts! Riker volunteers to carry the Odan parasite until a new host arrives. He wakes up and calls Crusher "Doctor Beverly" like Odan always did.

Crusher is (quite understandably, really) weirded out by Odan suddenly being in Riker's body and the fact that he never told her of the nature of his existence. He acts like it never occured to him to tell her, but why did he keep it a secret then? Why not say "I can't use the transporter because I'm actually a slug"? Crusher talks about her feelings to Troi. How can you love Odan when he's in the body of her friend Riker? Troi tells her to go for it. The emissaries from the two moons (who also wear hats) come on the Enterprise. Odan talks about how he brought peace between their moons many years ago in a different body and convinces them he's for real. Crusher rejects Odan's touch. But she comes to his quarters later and obviously wants to sex him (he's in Riker's body, who can blame her.) They kiss and presumably have the sex. Riker's body is dying and Odan insisted on being removed after the peace talks, but the new Trill host is delayed. The peace talks are successful and Crusher has to remove Odan. The new host arrives in time...and it's a woman! Crusher tells girl Odan that she can't keep up with all these changes and can't live with this uncertainty. We get Trek's first gay kiss! And it's on the hand.

So yeah let's just ignore the Trill inconsistencies and judge this episode on its own merits. It's mostly pretty good. Crusher and the first Odan actor have good chemistry and you can feel her conflict and pain when he's in Riker's body. The end is the controversial part as some have said it's homophobic of Crusher to reject girl Odan when she was fine sleeping with him in Riker's body. The thing is the gender of his new host never comes up. Crusher's surprised when it's a girl, but after that she just talks about not being able to handle all the changes. It's a bit of a cop-out. If she had said she can't accepted Odan in a woman's body...that would actually have been fine? She's not attracted to women, so it would actually be reasonable of her not to want to have a romance with one. But the episode dodges around that and the final scene is a bit flat. The whole nature of the Trill is kind of problematic too. What happens to the hosts when they take on a symbiont? This episode makes it look like they're personalities completely disappear and they're nothing but zombie bodies for the slugs to live in. That's a bit disturbing! But nobody brings it up at all. So yeah this is a promising episode hurt by some of the writing choices.

SCORE: 7.5/10
 
It’s a bit like in Stargate Universe when everyone kept using the communication stones to creepily shag people back on earth using someone else’s body. But I guess Riker wouldn’t have minded.
 
Also, this is one of those episodes where the main plot hole is that, for all of Starfleet's ability to investigate and learn about new species, the whole conflict revolves around the ONE thing they conveniently didn't know about a species before meeting with them (which in this case is a crock, of course they would have learned about Trill hosts early on, it's a core component of their society).

"They're a very private world" = "The writers couldn't plug enough of the plot holes but we're filming it anyway because OOO HIGH CONCEPT"
 
I'm pretty sure the Trills are Federation members in DS9 (and there's at least one Trill in Starfleet at this point, so surely Jadzia had to explain the whole "Dax" thing when she joined.)
 
Yeah I mean Starfleet’s based off of the military so presumably you have a medical exam before being accepted, where a thing like a giant hole in your stomach containing a parasite might be a point of discussion.
 
The Mind's Eye - Geordi is on his way to Risa in a shuttle playing a quiz game with the computer (seems like fun!) when a Romulan Warbird decloaks and beams him away. It's a good opening scene. Meanwhile there's a Klingon ambassador (Kell) is on the Enterprise being taken to a Klingon colony to stop a rebellion. The Romulans have a fake Geordi who they're sending to Risa in his place, which is great. They beam images directly into Geordi's visual cortex using his VISOR input and it's pretty disturbing for Star Trek! There's a Romulan woman standing in the shadows watching the torture and we don't see her face but I'm pretty sure that's Denise Crosby's voice! I wonder if I'm only noticing that because I know what the season ending cliffhanger will be. Kell praises Worf for killing Duras. The brainwashed Geordi is put in a Romulan holodeck version of Ten Forward where he's told to kill O'Brien and is just like "sure!" He hesitates before the killing but does it anyway then has a drink after. Again this is pretty dark stuff and it's good. Geordi is sent back to the Enterprise with false memories of Risa implanted. Even Troi can't tell anything's up with Geordi and thinks he got lucky on Risa. Kelly meet with the governor of the colony, who claims the Federation has been arming the rebels. Picard swears at the governor in Klingonese which impresses him (and me!) Geordi goes for a drink in Ten Forward where O'Brien happens to be. He looks at O'Brien through his VISOR like the Terminator looking for Sarah Connor, walks over...and spills his drink on him. It's another great creepy moment! Geordi and Data conclude that the Romulans faked the Federation weapons which were given to the rebels. Geordi looks at Kell through his VISOR, could he be Geordi's target?

Geordi secretly tries to beam weapons to the surface and the governor notices. Klingon ships decloak ready to fight. The Klingons are mad at the Enterprise now, just like the Romulans would want! Geordi investigates who could have possibly beamed the weapons down, unaware that he did it himself. Kell eats loads of Klingon food (seriously he's having a feast) in his quarters and Geordi comes to see him. Kell tells Geordi he's in danger of being exposed. Yep, Kell is Geordi's handler! He orders Geordi to kill the governor and say he did it on behalf of Starfleet. Geordi has a nightmare and calls O'Brien in the middle of the night. I love that O'Brien is probably wondering why Geordi is being so weird about him now. He goes to Crusher for a check-up but she doesn't find anything. Data keeps investigating the strange "e band" emissions he's detecting. He finds out it matches a human brainwave and starts to suspect something's been done to Geordi's shuttle. Kell and the governor are in the cargobay (and O'Brien!) and Geordi arrives to do some killing. Data warns Worf to take Geordi into custody. The stupid Klingons hold Worf back because he has no honour, but Picard stops Geordi from killing the governor. Data arrives in time to explain everything and exposes Kell as the traitor (well, Kell refuses to be searched on the Enterprise but the other Klingons say they'll search him instead.) Kell requests asylum but Picard says he can only have it after he's cleared of the crime. Geordi has a session with Troi where he's trying to remember what really happened. He's gong to need a lot of therapy to get over this...but we're out of time!

This is the third Geordi centric episode this season and it's by far the best. I feel like in a lot of way this episode is a forgotten classic. I can understand why as it's not an episode with a message or a larger meaning or anything. There isn't really much character stuff for Geordi as he spends most of it brainwashed. But it's a really well done sci-fi thriller! The idea of brainwashing Geordi using his VISOR interface is very clever and all the stuff with him killing O'Brien/spilling a drink on O'Brien is very creepy. It also furthers the Klingon/Romulan story that's been going on for the last two seasons and has the first appearance of Sela (and really I'm wondering if anyone noticed that was Crosby's voice back in 1991 because it seemed really obvious looking back.) It's very strong stuff!

SCORE: 9/10
 
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