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Wacky Reviews: Star Trek

Final Mission - Wesley's leaving! He's finally joining Starfleet Academy (really it's ridiculous that it hasn't happened yet), but some aliens with weird mouths are having trouble with a mysterious radioactive ship. Picard and Wesley are taken to a desert planet for another mission by the CAPTAIN of a mining shuttle. He seems sleazey. The shuttle instantly loses control, despite Geordi just doing a safety check. Maybe he sabotaged it to kill PIcard and Wesley. The shuttle crashes in the middle of the desert and there's good use of lens flare. They have no food or water because Captain Dirgo is an idiot. Meanwhile the Enterprise finds an ancient garbage scowl is responisble for the radiation on that planet. The Enterprise can't go back to help Picard and Wesley becase of the radioactive garbage. Dirgo continues to be an idiot by saying Picard is wrong for heading to the mountains. He's also secretly drinking alcohol. They find a cave with steps in it and debate if it was formed by water or lava. Umm, aren't the steps a clue that it's man made? The Enterprise tries to deal with the garbage scow, putting themselves at risk from the radiation. This would be a good time to seperate the saucer, really! Picard, Wesley and Dirgo find some water behind a forcefield (for some reason.) Dirgo shoots at it and some rocks fall on Picard.

Dirgo thinks Picard is done for an wants all his alcohol. Picard thinks he could be right and tells Wesley he'll have to stand up to Dirgo. Wesley tries to come up with a way to get to the water but Dirgo ruins it and gets killed. It's about fucking time. The Enterprise deals with the garbage scow. Well, that was forgettable. We finaly get to the whole point of this episode: Wesley looking after Picard. Wil Wheaton does some good acting telling Picard what he means to him. He says even if he dies at least he got to serve with Jean-Luc Picard. The Enterprise races to find them as Picard starts to get forgetful. Picard tells Wesley to seek Yoda when he goes to the Academy. Wait, no, it's Boothby the gardener he tells him to find. Wesley is working on some way to save them. Picard tells him he was always proud of him (because he's his secret father.) He gets to the water and Picard lives. The Enterprise arrives and Beverly hugs her son. Picard says Wesley will be missed.

So a lot of this episode is pretty annoying. The Dirgo character is just terrible, he's too stupid to have lived this long. We never find out why there's steps and water behind a forcefield in this cave (I mean we don't HAVE to find out but no one even talks about it.) The garbage scow plot is just an excuse to take the Enterprise away. But the episode does get good in about the last ten minutes when Wesley talks to PIcard about his feelings. It's the best acting Wheaton's done yet and Patrick Stewart is great as usual. It's just a shame the set up for this is quite weak.

SCORE: 7.5/10
 
The Loss - Troi is counselling a widow. She makes the widow cry, but in a healthy way! Something weird happens and it effects Deanna. Data has finally noticed that people are annoyed when he gives time to the second. The Enterprise's engines stop working while Deanna has headaches. Troi can sense nothing...and she means nothing! Her empathic powers are gone. But more imporantly, Data mentions the Breen for the first time. Troi tries to be upbeat but Crusher tells her it's the same as if someone with sight went blind. By the next scene Troi's yelling at Riker for treating her like a cripple. Troi counsels the widow again but gets things wrong (and the widow seems to delight in saying "you're absolutely wrong, Deanna!") Data and Geordi find out they're dealing with two dimensional aliens. Geordi says it's a shame we can't tell if they're sentient and Troi thinks he's throwing shade at her. She also gets angry with Crusher for not treating her quickly enough. She realises she was doing the same thing as the widow by denying the problem and tells Picard she's resigning. She tells Picard that the thing about blind people having super hearing is bullshit. Tell that to Daredevil!

She cries with Riker. Troi tells him he doesn't feel real since she can't feel his emotions. Riker says she's just angry she doesn't have an advantage over him now. Troi cries more. Things go badly when the Enterprise tries to escape from the creatures. Guinan talks to Troi, which means it's time for someone to get through to her. Guianan pretends she wants to be the ship's new counseller as a way to get Troi to use her intuition. Data detects a cosmic string, which the 2D aliens are caught in the gravity of. Or something, it's just more technobabble. They shoot the 2D aliens with torpedos. The widow comes back to see Troi and admits that Troi was actually right the last time. That widow! She changes her mind a lot! Picard tells Troi he wants her to help Data communicate with the aliens. Troi says they need to learn what drives the aliens. Troi figures out that the aliens are attracted to the cosmic string like moths to a flame. They decide to simulate a cosmic string (it's a thing they can do!) to attract the creatures away. It works and of course Deanna's powers come back. Everything worked out!

It's another attempt to do a Troi episode and sadly it isn't much better than the last one. Marina Sirtis gives a good performance but there's too many scenes of Troi crying and bitching at people. She doesn't really learn to live without her powers and doesn't really have to deal with it since they magically come back anyway. The 2D aliens story is a complete bore too. I mean it's a cool idea (which they stole from Flatland) but they never actually communicate with the aliens and it just ends up being a bunch of technobabble. So yeah this isn't great.

SCORE: 6.5/10
 
Data's Day - Data has the Bridge for the night shift. He is writing a record of his activities for Comander Maddox from 'The Measure Of A Man' so we get a Data voiceover for the whole episode. His friend Keiko(!) is getting married to Chief O'Brien (the lucky girl!) but she wants to call off the wedding. As this would make Keiko happy, Data thinks it's "good news" and tells O'Brien so. O'Brien isn't happy! A Vulcan ambassador comes onboard the ship but she's a bit cold. Data talks about Geordi (getting a haircut from a Bolian barber!) being his best friend in voiceover and calls him a "lunkhead" as he's experimenting with friendly jibes. He goes wedding gift shopping with Worf as they're both outsiders from human society. He goes to Crusher to learn how to dance, but she doesn't want to be known as the "dancing doctor." She agrees to help him anyway, as long as he keeps it secret. The ship heads to the Neutral Zone and Data is ordered to study Romulans tactics. Data goes back to his quarters AND FEEDS HIS CAT. O'Brien goes to him and asks him to talk to Keiko. Data points out to Keiko that she doesn't seem happy like she said she would. Keiko just wants him to leave her alone so he goes to talk to Troi. They talk about marriages and stuff. The Vulcan Ambassador asks him for technical details of the Enterprise. He tells her he must inform the Captain and she acts surprised and says she was just testing Data. I don't trust her! Anyway we then get the best scene of the episode as Crusher teaches him how to tap dance, with Gates McFadden's real life dancing ability helping a lot! Data perfectly imitates everything she does. But you don't tap dance at weddings so she has to teach him proper dancing.

Next Data talks about how Riker's sense of humour makes girls want to have sex with him. The episode gets away from Data a bit as they enter the Neutral Zone and talk to a Romulan Warbird. The Vulcan ambassador is going to beam over to the Warbird on her own. Something goes wrong with the transporting and she dies. O'Brien says it wasn't his fault, okay? The Romulan wants to know where she is and accuses Picard of faking it to avoid peace. Data goes into Sherlock holmes mode to find out what happened. Data works out that the Vulcan was secretly beamed to the Romulan ship and the Enterprise races after the Warbird. Another Warbird decloaks and this time there's no Klingons backing up the Enterprise. Turns out the Vulcan ambassador was a Romulan spy all along and the Enterprise has to leave! Picard loses! Data goes to Keiko one more time. The wedding's back on! Women change their minds a lot! Data gives away the bride and Picard conducts the ceremony. Data dances with Keiko. Picard and Data look at a baby who was born at the same time the Enterprise was facing off with the Romulans. Data takes over the Bridge for the night again.

It's a charming episode! Data is great so a whole episode from Data's idea is going to be great. There's lots of fun stuff in there with him interacting with every different main character (and O'Brien and Keiko!) We get to see stuff we wouldn't normally see like the barber and Data's cat (NOT YET NAMED.) It's all very good and lowkey, so it's a bit weird when the episode suddenly shifts to Romulan drama mode. I mean it's a pretty good Romulan story and I like that Picard loses, but it doesn't have much to do with Data. It could be in any episode. Still that's a minor complaint as this is really very good and likable.

SCORE: 8.5/10
 
I wonder what the shelf life is of a replicated version of something. Do the molecules eventually deteriorate/break down?

Does a replicated trombone (or other musical instrument) age as well as a real one? Is is impossible to "break it in"?
 
In the episode Timescape a bowl of fruit on a runabout went moldy. They didn’t show anyone replicating it afaik but presumably you would if you could. Not much point growing fruit on a starship if you can just press a button (unless your evolved sensibilities compell you to grow stuff for the feeling of self fulfilment or some such).
 
The Wounded - The Enterprise is in the CARDASSIAN SECTOR(!) who they recently signed a peace treaty with after a war. Picard finds them scary. Miles and Keiko O'Brien are eating breakfast together as they're getting scenes alone now like they're main characters. Keiko is disgusted at the idea of O'Brien's mum cooking with REAL MEAT so clearly she's a fan of the replicated kind. A Cardassian ship attacks but the Enterprise easily defeats them. Gul Macet (Marc Alaimo who of course will go on to play Gul Dukat) hails them and he's got some weird headgear on. He says a Starfleet ship attacks a Cardassian outpost unprovoked. Captain Maxwell has gone rogue and is killing Cardassians. Picard invites Macet and some of his people over to the Enterprise and finds out that O'Brien served under Maxwell. Troi senses bad feelings from O'Brien towards the Cardassians. Macet has facial hair! Maxwell's family were killed by Cardassians and Macet thinks he's out for revenge, but O'Brien defends his old Captain. A Cardassian tries to be friendly with O'Brien and invites him for a drink in Ten Forward but O'Brien tells him to fuck off. O'Brien sings an Irish rebel song to Keiko. He tries to convince Keiko that he's fine with Cardassians now that the war is over. The Phoenix (Maxwell's ship) is about to attack another Cardassian ship and Picard has to given its prefix codes (like in Wrath of Khan!) to the Cardassians to save them. The Phoenix sitll destroys the Cardassian warship and a supply ship, kill 650 people. O'Brien still insists that the Cardassians are up to something. Picard makes a good speech about hatred becoming comfortable.

O'Brien apologises to the Cardassian he was rude to earlier and they have a drink together. He talks about having to kill a Cardassian soldier after the ambush that killed Maxwell's family. He doesn't hate Cardassians, he hates that they made him a killer. One of Macet's other men is caught snooping around and Macet tells him off. Macet tells Picard he doesn't want war. The Enterprise reaches the Phoenix and Maxwell comes onboard. O'Brien was the best tactical officer he ever had! So why is he a transporter chief now? Maxwell says the Cardassians are arming again getting ready to attack the Federation and all the ships he destroyed were military targets. He couldn't tell Starfleet because they'd take too long to act. He accues Picard of being a bureaucrat. That's too far! Picard said he attacked the Cardassians to avenge his family. Picard lets Maxwell go back to his ship so he can surrender, which seems like kind of a dumb move by Picard. The guy's been running about killing Cardies! Maxwell runs off again and prepares to attack another Cardassian supply ship. He wants Picard to board it so he can confirm that Maxwell is telling the truth or he'll blow the ship up. O'Brien uses his impressive transporter knowledge to beam over to the Phoenix and try to talk sense into Maxwell. He tells Maxwell he's still fighting a war which is over. They sing the Irish song together and Maxwell finally gives up. Picard tells Macet that Maxwell was actually right, the Cardassian transport ship was carrying weapons. He wouldn't board it because he wants to protect the pace, but warns Macet that they'll be watching.

It's a strong episode! Colm Meaney gets his biggest part yet and does a great job. Marc Alaimo is a memorable guest star and you can see why he was brought back as Dukat. The guy playing Maxwell isn't quite as good but he's fine. It's interesting that he turns out to be right about the Cardassians though. Does that mean his racism was justified? Or he just a crazy racist who happened to be right this time? I don't know! It's still a very strong episode.

SCORE: 9/10
 
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Devil's Due - Data is being Scrooge on the Holodeck. Picard says his acting has improved. Data wants to be a method actor. There's a ditress call from a Federation science team on a planet where people are convinced the world is about to end. The natives believe they sold their souls to the devil a thousand years ago in exchange for peace but the devil is back for payment now. They've taken the Federation scientists hostage for fun. There's earthquakes on the planet which means Ardra the devil is coming back, and she's a hot woman. She flirts with Picard because he doesn't slump. She turns into the Klingon devil and claims to be the devil of every planet. Ardra orders that the hostages are released, but Picard won't let her take control of the planet. Riker asks if she's Q but Picard says she's probabl a conwoman. Worf is impressed by her "powers" but Picard points out that they're all possibly with their technology. You'd think Worf would know that. She shows up on Picard's chair and does Q-lite stuff while flirting with Picard (so exactly like Q then.) Ardra says she owns the Enterprise too because it was in orbit of her planet. Picard lamely ties it back to Scrooge by saying Ardra is using the fear the aliens have of the mythical Ardra to her advantage.

Ardra goes to visit Picard in his bed because they're going to keep going with this. She turns into Troi to try to seduce him. She beams him down to the planet in his bedclothes. More stuff happens, it's boring, finally it descends into a courtroom drama. If Ardra wins the case she wants Picard's body in return. AND DATA WILL BE THE JUDGE!!! There's boring court scenes of Picard trying to get the case thrown out and Data refusing. Ardra then questions Picard herself. She demonstrates her powers and Data gets to say "the advocate will refrain from making her opponent disappear" then turns into a really lame looking Satan. Geordi and the science team finally find Adra's ship. Picard gets the alien leader to reveal that they did al the things to improve their planet by themselves, without Ardra. But he still says Ardra is real because he's thick. Geordi finally tells Picard that Ardra has a cloaked ship and she used her cloak to make the Enterprise disappear, but he's back in contract with the Enterprise. Picard turns the talbes on Ardra and demonstrates that he can do everything she can, including turning into the Klingon devil. He reveals Adra has a crew and she deceives aliens with her technology. Ardra is arrested but still laughs evily at Picard because she's a cartoon character

This was originally a Star Trek Phase 2 script and it shows. If it had been an original series or animated series episode it would have been more entertaining in its campiness, but it really doesn't fit with the tone of TNG. If Ardra had been firting with Kirk he probably would have just slept with her, but Picard doesn't respond at all so the scenes are just silly. Ardra's ship is seemingly ridiculously overpower (she can transport through the Enterprise shields?) but she still gets caught because...she's an idiot? I mean why did she try to claim ownership of the Enterprise anyway? How did she expect to get away with it? There's a few funny moments and the ending is satisfying, but this is pretty bad on the whole.

SCORE: 4/10
 
Fek’lhr I think he was called and must’ve been mentioned again in the Voyager episode where B’lanna went to the afterlife.
 
Clues - Nothing interesting is going on so the crew have extra personal time. Picard and Guinan are playing Dixon Hill on the Holodeck. He's being held up by a gunman and Guinan isn't great at improvising. It's a pretty long bit but I guess when you dress Whoopi Goldberg up you get your money's worth. Data spots an M-Class planet and the Enterprise goes to investigate. The ship goes through a wormhole and everyone but Data is knocked out. Data reports that they were only out for thirty seconds and nothing interesting happened. Data says they shouldn't go back to the M-Class planet because the wormhole would make it too dangerous. We get to see Nurse Ogawa in the present day! One of Crusher's experiments has grown more than it should have in thirty seconds. Data reports that it isn't a Class-M planet at all and there's no reason to investigate, okay? Crusher tells PIcard about the suspcious growth. Data keeps coming up with wacky explanations for all this weirdness! Picard isn't buying his bullshit anymore and asks the rest of the crew what's up with Data. Crusher does medical stuff to prove that a whole day has definitely passed. Data lets Geordi look at his brain and Geordi finds there's nothing wrong with him.

Troi has a headache (again) and screams after looking in the mirror. It wasn't here looking back! Worf has a hurt wrist that he didn't report before because we need to introduce another mystery to keep the episode going. Picard and Geordi catch Data lying again. Data does the "needs of the many" thing about Troi's illness. Data says Picard should punish him for being a big dirty liar. The Enterprise's probe finds the original M-Class planet. The wormhole wasn't real! They return to the planet and find an energy shield around it. An alien possesses Troi and talks to Data. Data finally tells Picard that it was Picard who ordered him to lie. Alien Troi says the Enterprise invaded their system and it's unacceptable. They hate outsiders and the fake wormhole is supposed to keep out aliens. But things went wrong because Data wasn't knocked out like everyone else. We get a flashback showing that Data woke everyone up but the aliens were too powerful. They used Troi's body to communicate and it was her who broke Worf's wrist. Picard agreed to let everyone's memories be erased and for Data to lie. Picard says they just have to do it all again, but with the clues eliminated. And that's what they do. This time it works and only Data will ever know the truth.

This is an episode I rememer liking and, while it's not bad, I found it kind of disappointingly dull watching it this time. It's certainly true that it's an episode that's best the first time you watch it because you don't know what the solution to the mystery is. Watching it this time it felt a bit stretched out. Like we figure out pretty early on that a day has passed rather than thirty seconds, but then the episode keeps adding more mysteries (Troi has a headache! Worf's wrist is sore!) and it feels like padding. The solution to the mystery is good though and I like that only Data knows what really happened. I don't know, maybe I was just tired/bored tonight because I'm sure it's probably a good episode!

SCORE: 7.5/10
 
I agree - the first few times it was great to watch, but now BBC America seems to show it every other week during TNG marathons and it's not as wonderful the 57th time. (They also have an obsession with Geordi episodes for some reason, especially the one where he's stranded with the Romulan, and the one where he's looking for Mom).
 
First Contact - Alien doctors are surprised to find their patient has fingers and toes. Their patient happens to be Riker, disguised as an alien. Riker claims he has many birth defects but no one's buying it. The doctors think he might be an alien. An alien with glasses wants the warp program ended but the leader of the planet disagrees. Picard and Troi beam down and tell the minister of science about the Federation. They say Earth is "over two thousand light years from here" but going by Voyager that would mean it would have taken them over two years to get to this planet from Earth. Yet they were at Earth earlier this season! IMMERSION RUINED. Anyway they beam her up to the Enterprise and show her Ten Forward. PIcard explains that they monitor planets before making first contact, including sending undercover agents like Riker. She explains that some on her planet believe that they are the only life in the universe and won't be happy about aliens being real. Isn't this the kind of thing Starfleet should already know from all the monitoring they've been doing? She introduces Picard to the head of the world government (why do all planets have one united world government in Star Trek?) They take him to the Enterprise too and he looks at Data's robot body and stuff. He has a private meeting with Picard and is suspicous about him. Picard explains the Prime Directive to him. The Chancellor asks reasonable questions and seems to like Picard by the end.

Riker tries to escape and a nurse played by Lilith from Cheers shows up. She says she's always wanted to have sex with an alien and will help Riker escape if he bangs her. You can't blame her for trying! We assumed Riker goes through with it because in the next scene she helps him escape. Riker is caught anyway and beaten up. Glasses alien keeps telling the Chancellor that they shouldn't make continued contact with the aliens. The Chancellor didn't know about Riker being on the planet or the Federation spying on them for years. Again you'd think Picard would have told him that rather than trying to keep it a secret, considering he told the science minister. Glasses alien wants Riker revived even though it could kill him and the doctor refuses. Picard admits to the Chancellor that he lied to him. He mentions that "disastrous contact" with the Kliongons resulted in deceades of war, which isn't what happened in Enterprise and actually fits more with what happened in Discovery. Glasses alien wakes up Riker and questions him. He's going to kill himself with Riker's phaser to make sure there can be no peace with the Federation. Crusher saves Riker's life and the phaser glasses guy used was on stun. The Chancellor decides not to have further contact with the Federation because of glasses alien trying to kill himself. Picard says they'll come back when the aliens are ready. The science minister chooses to remain on the Enterprise.

There's a lot of great stuff about this episode. I really like how it's told from the point of view of the aliens. It explains the first contact procedure better than ever before. There's good, intelligent debates. The science minister is a likable character. Riker's in it. And yet FOR SOME REASON I don't think this is quite a great episode? It just all feels a bit stilted? Maybe it's because it had five different writers. The Riker sex scene is amusing but feels out of place in what is otherwise a pretty dry episode. It's very good anywy, just doesn't hit greatness for me.

SCORE: 8/10
 
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