Who gives a single actual fuck about literally anything?

[CaptainWacky]

#29.21 - Elon Musk is found dead, his arms and legs eaten by vultures and a hand-sized hole in his back. The police say the death is not suspicious at all and Newman is great. Newman appears on tv again and says he will carry on Elon's legacy by making Twitter shitter than ever and by going to the fuckng moon. NASA are interviewed on the tv and say the law says if they can build a rocket and get to the moon first then Newman won't be able to land there because of moon rules. But NASA have run out of money after wasting billions on a reality show as seen in the hit sitcom 'Cat Cleaners'. Jerry says if only there was some way to give NASA enough money to build a moon rocket they could stop Newman. Kramer says he and Jerry could use the Kramer Device to hack every lottery in the land and transfer the prize money to NASA. George asks if they can send some of the money to him and Elaine to hire a lawyer to get their kids back from Newman, but Kramer says they can't afford to waste any of it. Elaine says that's fine Newman can keept he brats. Jerry and Kramer touch the Kramer device together and this somehow makes loads of money appear in their joint bank account and they transfer it to NASA. Jerry says they have to go to Cape Canaveral in Florida to make sure the rocket NASA build has ANTI-NEWMAN defense systems built in. George and Elaine shrug and say they'll come too as the whole subplot with their kids isn't really going anywhere right now. At SpaceX, Newman takes over and his Elon's remains stuffed and set up in the lobby for all to see. He tells the engineers that the rocket only has to get to the moon and doesn't even need to be able to fly back, because he'll be able to power the return flight with the Golden Kramer Device. The head engineer asks him what the fuck is he talking about. Newman injects nano bots into his brain like a Borg using sickening Newman tendrils. The engineer says he understands now and will commit suicide after the rocket is built to protect Newman's secrets. Newman smiles. George and Elaines kids are playing with ray guns in the background. At NASA, the head of NASA puts Jerry in charge of the moon rocket project, saying that Jerry can motivate the engineers with laughter. Jerry admits that his stand-up has slid a little as he's been busy creatingthe universe and then escaping a dystopian future timeline, but he'll give it his best shot. Elaine says she has her own way of motivating them and sets up a big bed with a counter above that shows the number of the man or woman who will pleasure her next. A huge line forms of men and women excitedly looking down at their tickets. George hands out the tickets. He asks Elaine to please not kill any of them. Elaine says he better press the orgasm button every time they climax then to keep her happy. Kramer disappears into the basement of NASA. Weeks pass. At SpaceX, Newman is now riding a huge dragon-like creature he had made for him, holding a huge whip which he uses to whip the employees and make them work harder. At NASA, work is progressing wel. Jerry's stand-up routine is getting better. "What's THE DEAL with the moon anyway? What is it orbiting the Earth? Is it STALKING us? Why haven't we asked it what it's doing! I hate the moon!" Kramer still hasn't been seen and there is a mysterious power drain coming from the basement. SpaceX build a golden rocket for Newman, but NASA have their own rocket ready. Both are set to take off on the same day. Jerry proudly watches the laucn as Elaine smokes a big cigar in bed, having been pleasured by everyone person in the whole town. George asks if she is satisfied and she burns him with the cigar. The two rockets take off. Suddenly, the NASA rocket explodes. All 17 people on board as killed and two hundred more on the ground. Jerry just barely escapes with his life. He asks what the heck happened. The head of NASA says the power suddenly cut out and he'd traced the problem to the basement. Jerry goes downstairs and finds Kramer working on a huge computer. Kramer looks excited to see him. He says NASA have a hugely advanced A.I. system and they used to model rocket take-offs...and Kramer has been using it himself all this time. Jerry says Kramer just killed 217 people and let Newman win! Kramer says that doesn't matter right now...becuase his A.I. Spider-Man movie is finally ready. He can turn the entire world gay with it. Jerry walks out in disgust. Newman's rocket lands on the moon. He walks out of it and looks around, satisfied with what he sees. He punches his fist right through the surface of the moon and reaches inside. He pulls out the Golden Kramer Device, the primordial Kramer Device from which all others are derived. He smiles and laughs evily. "Has Kramer made the gay Spider-Man movie?" he asks into a headset. "Yes," replies the SpaceX head eingineer, who then blows his own brains out with a gun. "Everything is going according to plan!" says Newman.

 

[CaptainWacky]

#29.22 - Reports come in to NASA that everyone at SpaceX have killed themselves. Jerry looks at the moon through a huge telescope. He can see Newman's rocket take off and fly towards the Earth at an alarming speed. The rocket is glowing with golden energy now. The head of NASA hands Jerry a special phone. Jerry makes the call to President Obama. He tells him that Newman is fully powered up now and it is time for the "ultimate conclusion." Obama nods grimly and presses a button under his desk. Huge robots rise up out of the ocean and fly up into the sky. Jerry explians to the head of NASA that he used the power of the Kramer Device to implant the idea in Obama's head to construct giant robots, in case they were even needed to kill Newman. The head of NASA questions what his life even is now. Newman's rocket arrives back in Earth's atmosphere in 7 minutes. A golden beam fires from his ship, slicing several of the giant robots in half. The other robots start firing their own beams at the ship, but it is shielded. One of the robots pounds the ship with its giant robot fist and it breaks apart. Jerry cheers, but Newman is then seen flying through the air with the Golden Kramer Device, with George and Elaine's kids following in golden bubbles. George and Elaine are watching from a window, but walk away, completely numb. Newman gleefully slaughters robots after robot with the Kramer Device, slicing them up or just smashing the Device into their head. The kids emulated Newman, shooting death beams out of their hands while chanting "WE KILL FOR DADDY NEWMAN, WE KILL FOR DADDY NEWMAN." Jerry shakes in fear. Elaine lies down in bed. George says she needs to get up and help him talk the kids out of murdering people. Elaine says she's tired. She doesn't love the kids and can't even remember what love feels like. She's fucked a million men and a hundred thousand women and she can't even feel from that anymore. The orgasm button has numbed her to life. George says maybe he could fuck her and Elaine laughs manically. She asks if she and George ever loved each other. George flashes back to their first kiss, when Elaine was trying to make Puddy jealous and George got hard as fuck and started humping up against Elaine's leg. Elaine was disgusted at first but then turned on by the depravity. He remembers fond moments between the two of them when they nuzzled each other and shouted things at the tv as the same time. He remembers the kids being born and Elaine saying "they're not too bad!" George starts to cry and Elaine does too. She pulls out a knife. She says she stole it from one of the men she fucked and wants George to use it to end her. George nods grimly. He takes the knife and starts to move towards Elaine's neck. Jerry goes to the basment. Kramer says it's almost time to uploaded his Gay Spider-Man movie to every entertainment device on the planet using the power of the Kramer Device. He says mass gayness will follow. Jerry says that Newman is about to kill millions of people, possibly including Jerry himself. Kramer says Jerry will be fine, he always is. Jerry says he needs Kramer's help. Kramer says he's helping Jerry and the world by turning everyone gay. Jerry asks if Kramer even loves him. Kramer pauses for a moment and asks how Jerry could even ask that. Jerry says if Kramer loved him he'd help him stop Newman. Kramer says he has to make some edits to Spider-Man's cock. There is a huge explosion outside. Jerry takes the Kramer Device and walks out alone. The head of NASA is lying dead on the ground and many buildings have been blown up by Newman and the kids. Newman points the Golden Kramer Device at Jerry and says it's the end. Jerry shoots a beam from his Kramer Device but Newman easily overpowers him with his own. "KILL HIM, DADDY!" say the kids as Jerry lies on the ground, broken. Newman says Jerry doesn't matter at all. He says Kramer has just created the most complicated A.I. reality in the history of this timeline with the NASA computer. He says the Gay Spider-Man dimension simulates a billion humans and the entire universe. He says he will enter that reality using the Golden Kramer device and use it to begin his journey through the simulation layers, destrying them all as he goes and finally revealing the REAL reality. The kids asks if they will die and Nemwan laughs and says yes. Jerry tries to stand to keep fighting but doesn't have the strength to...until Kramer helps him up. Newman asks what Kramer is doing. He says it's time for him to premiere his movie worldwide. Kramer holds out a control device with two buttons on it. He says one button will uploaded his movie to the world and the other will erase it. Newman smiles and says he already knows which button Kramer will press, as he ran eighteen billion simulations. Kramer looks at Jerry...then hits the delete button. "NOOOOOOOOO!" cries Newman, falling to his knees. Jerry is shocked. Newman asks why. Kramer said his love for Jerry is greater than his desire to turn the entire world gay. Jerry and Kramer make out. Newman says he doesn't understand, how could all his calculations be wrong...unless this is the top reality. This is the only one that isn't a simulation. But how does that explain the Golden Kramer Device? Jerry says Newman has lost and should go back to being a postman. Newman says he hasn't lost...he has one last plan. He grasps his Golden Kramer Device and shoots a beam up into space. Jerry asks what he just did. Newman says he just sent a mesasge...to the Catdog Empire. They will be coming to Earth now. And they will destroy it.

TO BE CONTINUED...IN SEASON 30

 

[CaptainWacky]

#30.1 - The darkness of space. The stars themselves turn black as they are obscured by a massive aramada of spaceships. It is the the fleet of the Catdog Empire. We see the Catdog Emperor himself standing on the bridge of his command ship. On screen there is a message displayed on his viewscreen. It reads "I AM JERRY SEINFELD, THE RULER OF EARTH. I THINK THE CATDOG EMPIRE STINKS! WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE CATDOG EMPRE? THEY'RE NOT CATS! THEY'RE NOT DOG! THEY'RE BARELY AN EMPIRE! THEY SHOULD BE CALLED THE NOTCATSORDOGS STINKYPOOS! COME TO EARTH TO FIGHT ME!" The message is written in golden letters, indicating that it was actually sent by Newman using the Golden Kramer Device. The Catdogs actually do look like half cats/half dogs but human-sized and with seventeen dicks which run all the way up from their crotch to their neck in a line and are displayed at all times. The Catdog Emperor grunts and the entire fleet goes to warp, heading presumably for Earth. Back at what was once NASA headquarters, Newman laughs insanely. He says he put his final contingency into play. It can only end in one way: with the end of all life in the universe...whether this is the real universe or a simulation. Either way Newman will finally know the truth. Kramer says it doesn't matter because he and Jerry still have their love and holds Jerry's hand. An angry Newman blasts Jerry and Kramer into the ground with his Golden Kramer device. He heads inside the building. He sniffs the air and says "I can smell blood." He finds Goerge and Elaine's bedroom. Elaine is lying in the bed, barely breathing after being stabbed in the neck. George has stabbed himself in the neck too and is bleeding out. "George...likes...his...neck...bloody" he mumbles to himself. Newman steps over George with disdain and leans down over Elaine. "My lost lady love," says Newman, nostalgia in his eyes. "I should have stayed with you and not become the force which will destroy the universe. But my path is set now. I know you don't remember our many nights together, they never happened in your timeline and never will. But now you have a chance to be part of the end of everything. Suicide is beautiful, of course, but complete universal genocide? You will experience many orgasms along the way, greater than even the orgasm button could provide! Join me." Elaine appears to be deceased for a moment, but then life flashes back in her eyes. "Yes," she says. "Yesss..." Newman uses the Golden Kramer Device to heal Elaine of her wound and takes her by the hand. He opens up a portal using the GKD. George, still just about alive, tries to stand. "Heal...heal me too," he says. "I will serve you, Lord Newman!" "Who the fuck are you?" says Newman, leading Elaine through the portal. They disappear. Goerge slumps down, finally giving up. But Jerry and Kramer run into the room. They are both hurt but sustained by the Kramer Device they share. Jerry uses it to heal George. "Where's Newman?" he asks. "The bastard seduced Elaine with a shower of golden energy and took her from me!" says George. "I tried to stop him but he stabbed me in the neck! That's what happened, Jerry. I didn't stab myself!" "So Elaine is part of Nemwn's sick plan," says Jerry. "I have to call Obama." Obama is being sucked off by a white woman in the White House but still answers the phone. "Newman destroyed all the robots!" Obama tells Jerry, before Jerry can speak. "I'm having a white woman suck me off before I die. It's pretty good!" "Newman isn't going to destroy the world," says Jerry. "Then I had this white woman suck me off for nothing!" says Obama. "He's going to have the Catdog Empire do it instead!" says Jerry. "Do you have any weapons that can destroy an alien space fleet?" "I guess I could tell the other world leaders to all launch their nukes at the aliens at the same time," says Obama, moaning in pleasure. "I think they'r eall being sucked off by women of different ethnicities right now because they though the world was about to end, but nuking some alien scum will make them feel better!" Jerry nods happily. He and Kramer use the Krmaer Device to transport them and George back to Jerry's apartment. Kramer says they could get a quick love-making session in before the aliens arrive, but there is a breaking news update on the tv just as he says this. Jerry says the Catdogs must be able to travel at warp 9.9. The newsman says that alien ships have been spotted in Earth orbit and world leaders have decided to nuke them just in case they're evil. All the of the nukes in the world are launched up into space and hit the Catdogs. There is a massive explsion. People on Earth are shown cheering and shouting "DEATH TO ALIENS!" and "I HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT FROM ME SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW I FEEL ABOUT ALIENS!" The explosion clears...and the Catdogs are shown completely uneffected. Their fleet is intact. The Catdog Emperor sends a transmission down to Earth. It appears on every tv at once due to their advanced technology. "People of Earth," he says in perfect English. "I am the leader of all Catdogs. Your lives are now forfeit. Earth will be placed under our control. If you resist, I will kill a million humans every seven of your Earth minutes. You will service us in any way I see fit. And all of this...is because of Jerry Seinfeld. He sent the message to use which alerted us of your existence. It is his fault you will die. Catdog Emperor out!" Jerry looks around, nervously. "It was Newman," he says. "IT WAS NEWMAN!" People in the street below are already throwing rotten tomatoes up at Jerry's window. "That was fast!" says Kramer. Mickey the dwarft cuts through Jerry's door with a chainsaw and runs towards him yelling "JIHAD!" Kramer shoots him dead with the Kramer Device as Jerry watches, shocked. "I can revive him later! Kramer shrugs, as they look at the massive hole going all the way through Mickey's chest. In Elaine's apartment, Elaine lies on the couch while the kids play with dead rats. Newman smiles at his new family. "Now for the next stage!" he says. "I need to make a phone call..." In the White House, Obama is now being sucked off by a woman dressed as Princess Diana. His phone rings and he asnwers it. "Jerry, what the fuck, did you bring the Catdogs here!" he says. "This isn't Jerry, i'ts Newman," says Newman. "I am about to become your new best friend. I have a way to save the world from the catdogs. And all it will cost you...is Jerry Seinfeld's life."